Bonnie Plunkett quotes from Mom

Christy

Dammit, I forgot I have to take Violet to her doctor's appointment!

Bonnie

I know, I had Luke take her in early. She's gained 3 pounds, the baby's the size of an heirloom tomato.

But the real magic happens when we start to combine flavors. For example, take a simple cherry tomato, squirt a little aged balsamic vinegar into its fleshy center...

Bonnie

Cherry. Squirt. Fleshy. You can't help yourself, can you?

It's very hard.

Christy

Rudy said he doesn't want to see you anymore.

Bonnie

What? Wait, why are you telling me this and not him?

Christy

Because he has an emotionally crippling mother.

So why don't you drink?

Bonnie

I'm allergic to alcohol, any time I drink it I break out in handcuffs.

What a shame, I happen to have a large collection of both wine and handcuffs.

Christy

[Christy and Bonnie are confessing long-held secret to each other] Okay, I got one. Remember that kilo of hash that was stolen from your car?

Bonnie

Yeah?

Christy

Best. Junior Prom. Ever.

Bonnie

Are you crazy? I was almost KILLED for that.

Christy

Oh, I'm sorry.

Bonnie

I had a GUN to my head in the desert, they made me dig my own grave!

Christy

That's too bad. I was voted queen of the prom!

Christy

I can't believe they found you guilty.

Regina

I can. I stole three million dollars.

Christy

Maybe they'll send you to one of those swanky country club jails.

Regina

Get real. I'm a black woman who embezzled money from white people. I'm going to jail jail. Someone's gonna buy my ass for a KitKat bar.

Bonnie

Well, it's only fair. KitKat bars helped build that thing.

Regina

Where do you think Christy is?

Bonnie

I think she's unrolling a fire hose.

Regina

What?

Bonnie

She's dating a fireman.

Violet

Dumbass crackers!

Christy

What's the matter?

Violet

Luke's parents. First they say they don't want a thing to do with this baby, and now they're freaking out because I'm giving up their "beloved grandkid".

Bonnie

What about Luke?

Violet

He was useless. Oh, and get this. [snarkily] Now his parents are insisting that they're going to adopt the baby!

Christy

What'd you tell them?

Violet

I told them that I don't want my kid being raised by religious fanatics. I want it raised by homosexuals! [leaves]

Regina

Do you know what the worst part of being in prison will be?

Bonnie

Being in prison?

Regina

No, that I won't get to see my son grow up.

Bonnie

Oh... I'm gonna stop talking now.

Marjorie

Don't say it if you don't mean it.

Christy

When did you last see your son?

Regina

Before my trial.

Marjorie

But that was months ago!

Regina

My ex-husband won't let me see him, not that I blame him. He just turned 10. He's going to be a teenager by the time I get out.

Christy

Where's your ex live?

Regina

In Stockton, about a hundred miles back.

Christy

[pause] Hell with it. [turns the car around] We're going to Stockton!

Regina

But I'll be late to turn myself in.

Christy

What the hell are they gonna do, Regina? Throw you in jail?

Bonnie

This has been quite a day. I think I've had every feeling a person can have. Some of them great, some of them just awful. And never once thought about drinking or using. But that's not the miracle. The miracle is I never thought about myself. I was thinking about the people I love and how I can help them. And also some fish, which is ironic, 'cause I had sushi for lunch. I didn't care. It was... When I walked in that door eight years ago, I was so filled with fear and self-loathing, shame. But now, I kind of like me. I kind of love me. [Tears up] I love my husband, I love my daughter, my friends, my grandkids. I even love those two crazy bitches in the back row.

I think that's us.

It is.

Bonnie

I've always heard people in meetings say how they're grateful alcoholics, and I never understood it. It actually kind of pissed me off. But now I get it. My name is Bonnie and I'm a grateful alcoholic. And if that pisses you off, just keep coming back. Thank you. [The groups applauds and Bonnie walks to the back] Would you guys join us for coffee?

Just say yes.

Yes.

Who else would like to share?