Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?
Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?
We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.
Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.
That's part of the surprise.
Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.
Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!
Big fat tires and everything!
But I already got, like, a million limos.
Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]
It's all souped up... and desecrated.
Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.
And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!
And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.
You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]
Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.
Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!
Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.
[Charles Ofdensen, the band's manager, hands the band their new Dethphones.]
[picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.
Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.
All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.
Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.
So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.
Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing. We're not professional apologizers. We're... musicians. So, we wrote a song for you, a new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish folklore book of necronomic spells.
[The crowd moans collectively in horror.]
You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years. "Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the Lake Troll" .
Gentlemen, it's clear that we're in a universally precarious situation. Dethklok has summoned a troll.
That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.
Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?
Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.
Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!
Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!
So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!
Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.
D Dethfone
You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...
Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.
[Outside a bar.]
Looks likes that troll killed that power everywhere.
Well, there's only two things to do in a blackout: get drunk... one thing to do.
Oh, I hate Finland. I need a hundred beers.
[Cut to inside the bar]
I need a hundred beers. Exactly... exactly one hundred. Thank you.
What are those wooden things? Chairs?
B Barkeep
They are acoustic instruments.
What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?
A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.
B Barkeep
It's your only choice, I'm afraid.
Whoa, this is a tough one guys.
Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.
Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?
I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.
Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!
No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.
Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?
Honestly, I was just hitting any note.
Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.
THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!
[referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!
Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!
[They swing the Dethphones by their chains and throw them. The Dethphones land 3 feet in front of the band.]
[into handheld voice recorder] Idea for our last song, ever: "Killed by a Troll."
L Lawyer
The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.
Why don't you... go breathe underwater?
L Lawyer
I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!
Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!
L Lawyer
This band is a danger to the human race!
You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.
L Lawyer
Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.
Hey, how 'bout we compromise...
We'll give you half... of NOTHING!
The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.
JA Judge Alfanso
Not guilty!
You preferred that we'd lose?
Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.
Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves?
Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.
Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.
Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!
JA Judge Alfanso
Oh, thank you William .
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
