Please pull forward now.
No, I-I lets that guy go first.
But now it's your turn.
After this guys.
You have right of way!
After that guy. You-you gos head!
Let'sa go, douchebag!
Leaves hims alone!
[weeps] I can'ts do it!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You bothes failds your driving tests-o.
Buts dats uns-possible!
No it isn't! You didn't drive anywhere!
It's scary!
I know! You told me!
Where'ds dids I fail?
You wouldn'ts even sit in the front-o seat-o!
IT'S TOO SCARY UPS THERE!
How do you expect to drive back-seat-o?!
RACIST!
Yeah, racist!
Yeah, well fuck you two, I'm leaving!
OOffdensen
Alright, so you all know we are in the middle of building a hospital for the victims of this, uh, public relations disaster.
Oh god, that's pandering!
Pandering!
OOffdensen
Well I don't see it as pandering, it's a hospital for horribly injured victims of, uh, these explosions.
Hey! Thats not ours faults, we didn'ts do that!
OOffdensen
Well, they are your fans, and they, uh, have been badly injured, some killed, uh, trying to buy your, uh, collectible coffee cups. Maybe you could show a little compassion.
Compassion?!?
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I got no sympathy for anyone! I got one of these darn summer colds. I mean, where is my benefit concert? I mean is there anything worse?
See that's something you have compassion for, summer cold. You can relate, you can relate to, see you can't relate to your arms being blown off! You can't!
OOffdensen
Well, uh, maybe being blown to bits is worse then a summer cold?
Oh come on...
Mr. Robotos whens dids yous comes so carings about stuffs? Ares yous drunks or somethings?
OOffdensen
No i'm not drunk, I'm just, uh, trying to, you know, repair your image.
Repair our image with health care!?
(mumble)
Why's we's gots to spends our hard earnds money on medical stuff for peoples we don't even know.
Oh god this mother fucking eye gouging cock sucking mother fucking summer cold. Its driving me crazy over here!
Hey...our show's gonna be bad..because I have a cold...so does Skwisgaar, Murderface, Pickles and....[spotlight shines on Toki] uhhh......ummmmm.....we'll just play one song.
[while in a sauna] Hey maybe we oughtta, up the anty as they say in the medical business? [reading his Medieval Medical Arts book] Blood letting is the ancient inuate art of draining all the bad blood out, and letting your body generate the new blood, hey yoU! Go get some buckets and some blood-letting knives!
EEdgar
These are the moments that define us... [to Assassin] You seem preoccupied. What bothers you?
[looks at a picture of Offdensen] This man. He must be killed and made an example of in front of the world. I will crucify him!
EEdgar
Be patient. We must strike at the right time or we could risk losing everything. [to the teenager] Excuse me, I need to get by you. Do you want a burrito also? No? Two burritos for me.
If we kill him, they will have no one to hide behind.
EEdgar
And when Dethklok plays at the hospital, we will be there, and we will take them down!
DDoctor
You're not dying, it's just a cold.
I think we are dying. I really don't feel great.
DDoctor
Did you ever have colds before?
No.
Can'ts you gives us injections?
Yeah, use your fancy degrees, asshole!
DDoctor
Take it easy, all right? No drinking, no partying...[grabs a cigar from Pickles] Gimme that cigar!
That's my cigar...
DDoctor
Just take it easy. Go the sauna, sweat it out, and relax, okay? Take it easy. Idiots.
[Dethklok is attempting to use leeches to cure their summer colds]
Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?
[using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!
[using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...
[laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!
Check it out. [laughs]
[using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!
[using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!
You're Leech Hitler!
Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.
OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!
Now, that guy was an entertainer.
Oh, you got that right!
Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!
Hey guys. You know I'm gonna start dating again, and I just thought...welll I'd like you to try your best not to fuck that up for me. There. I feel better having said that. [leaves]
OOffdensen
Hey uh...Nathan. I uh...understand you're experiencing a little bit of uh...girl trouble. [Nathan gives no response] Just wanted to lend you a shoulder to uh...you know to uh...you...you seem like you're okay. For the record I tried. [leaves]
Slut! She sluts! Look at her!
Take it easy, man. You don't call women bad names, man, that's women. You gotta respect them.
What are you talkin' about?
What?
Nothin', I just always pinned you as a classic woman-hater.
That's disappointing, Pickles, that you would just blindly label a person like that. That's just pretty disappointing.
Well, you ams the ones who walks around saying they're, I don't know, poisonous serpents with tits.
Yeah, so?
What do you mean, yeah so? You said that about women and now you're defending them a lot!
Okay, fine. Look, you guys. I may have said some kooky things about the ladies, but that was before. You've gotta defend their honor. Like a hero.
And?
And what?
Ya, you defends their honors in the eyes of the womens, and then what happens?
Well...then they sleep with you.
Ah yeah, I knew it!
That's his angles! Rights theres!
Ooh, busteds!
Oh, come on.
Another cheap ploy to trick the girls into sleeping with you by pretending to be valiant!
So?
Classics Murderface!
Go Skwisgaar it's your turn. Go, go go go go go!
I ams going, holds on. I ams thinkings. Uhh, okay, is this a words? Q-U-H-Zs-K?
Quhzks! That's whats the duck says!
Alright whatever, quhzks. That's 1-2-3-[muttering]... Fifty-two points, [impressed] fifty-two points, that's good.
WWoman
[to Murderface] Why don't you make like a bass guitar and be inaudible?
Wow...I never actually knew that a cock-block could save your life...thank you Murderface.
That's okay man, I'm a hero. I'M A REAL HERO!
Sorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...
Hey. Hey.
You know, potential-
Hey!
Yes?
Gimme fifty thousand dollars.
Well uh, what do you need it for?
For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!
Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-
So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!
All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-
So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?
Yes.
[long pause]
We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!
Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?
[annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!
Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!
Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!
How do you know that?
How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!
How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?
He's keepings it!
Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.
Yeah, it's very suspicious.
No, I'm telling you about it right now, that's what I'm doing, I'm telling you about these things.
Yeah, but how long have you known about the stuff that we don't know about that you're starting to tell us about?
[suspiciously] Yeah.
Look I've tried to keep you guys in the loop of the business, I have many times, but-
BUT WHAT?!
...But you guys have a very short attention span.
[offended] NO WE'RE NOT!
No you're not what- Wh-What does that mean- That's not even a response to what I was saying!
Quit confusing things!
No we're not!
No we's not at all!
You're not what?!
He's gots to admits it! He's on the ropes!
Yeah!
We're arguing two different things here!
Well we're not!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.