Metalocalypse quotes

Being governor has its advantages. You could be quite powerful.

Nathan

Oh really?! And I could just put all my friends in charge of everything, and I could just rape and pillage the economy, and line my pockets with money, and I could go mad with power?

You actually could do that, you know... it's technically-

Murderface

I WANNA BE IN CHARGE OF THE NATIONAL GUARD!

Nathan

Alright you got it!

Toki

I WANTS TO HELPS PEOPLE!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Murderface

I NEED A SECRETARY!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Pickles

I WANNA BE THE AMBASSADOR OF CHINA!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Skwisgaar

I wants no parts of dis, dis ams craps! Governments!

Pickles

Dude, Skwisgaar, you know that Florida has the highest population of old ladies in old lady homes?

Murderface

You could be in charge of old... you know what!

Skwisgaar

Then, I WILLS BE IN CHARGE OF DATS! DEMS OLD LADIES!

Nathan

YOUUU GOT IT!

Nathan

Get me the weather burrow...uh, bureau.

But that's where we are, sir.

Nathan

Excellent, outstanding, good. I command you to destroy the hurricane.

Toki

Yeah, use your weather controlling machines!

People can't destroy hurricanes, sir.

Nathan

Alright, uh... Knock it off course. Do that.

I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.

Nathan

Dammit! We've tried everything.

Murderface

Not EVERYTHING... (everyone stares at Murderface)

Murderface

Well, not EVERYthing. I mean, not LITERALLY "everything"...

Nathan

Well, I didn't mean literally everything.

Murderface

You SAID literally everything!

Have you activated the emergency alert system?

Toki

Oh I hate that, that "beeeeeeeeeeep!"

Nathan

Oh yeah, that "beeeeeeeeeep!"

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"

Nathan

Nope, no way.

All alert systems have been looted and robbed.

Nathan

They stole the "beep?!"

Toki

Why woulds they steals the "beeps?"

Murderface

People are so low.

Pickles

I'd steal that.

Nathan

What the fuck do you guys even do here?

We name the hurricanes, sir.

Pickles

You name the hurricane, that's your job?

What should we name this hurricane, sir?

Nathan

Name the hurricane. Huh. Uhhhhhhhhh....hmmmmm. How about....uh...Scrambles? Scrambles the...uhh...the Death Dealer.

[staring at Nathan Explosion's statue] Best fucking governor Florida ever had! [gets shot]

Nathan

[holding a press conference] What am I supposed to be saying? What am I supposed to be saying? Hey, what am I supposed to be...oh right right right. That governor guy, he said I shouldn't have a holiday or something? Fuck him, right? Fuck that guy.

Nathan

I swear to govern the fuck out of this piece of shit state! Now lemme hear your guns!

Toki

Jumps out the window! Finds me a paper clip! You dos what I say or I haves you all killed! Now shits your pants!

Nathan

Toki, your boner is showing.

Nathan

This race is a total catastrophy. [referring to Murderface; who is still feeling the effects from his pill and playing bass with his penis] Let's get him to shit his pants!

Pickles

SHIT YOUR PANTS!

Murderface

[mumbling incoherently, eyes rolling, and drooling] I SHIT MY PANTS!

Gentlemen, the ego of the bass player is fragile. His emotional insecurity is triggered by the perception that he is unloved, inadequate, and worthless. Just look at William Murderface. Frightened, scared, hate-filled—the perfect specimen of devolution—cro-magnon brow, distended jaw, clammy hands, buckled stomach, back pimplage, hitchhiker thumbs, hammer-assed, fallen arches, chicken-plucked legs, sandpapery, eczema-styled skin, dry, unkempt triangle hair. This creature...devolved...whirling in that mess of self-hatred bubbling inside. This pathetic insecurity will cause him to want to be in control, of course this will be overridden by his dominant laziness, lack of concentration, and possible bipolar disorder, which should make for a most disastrous NASCAR-type theatrical hybrid event.

Murderface

Oh, it's like a NASCAR...type...theatrical...hybrid event! With cars!

So it's a car race?

Murderface

Yeah!

I'm confused, you want to do a car race?

Murderface

Yeah....well- but no! Not just a car race, a car event! It's like Medieval times...

Okay, so there's like knights, and horses, and jousting-

Murderface

No! Well, maybe, maybe! But-...guys help me out here...

Pickles

[reading a newspaper] I'll help you out...Murderface is trying to tell you...his idea....about....you know...whatever...

Murderface

Thank you Pickles.

What does this have to do with Dethklok?

Pickles

We are Dethklok!

Murderface

I'm in Dethklok!

Pickles

I'm Pickles the drummer

Nathan

I'm Nathan Explosion, from Dethklok

Pickles

I'm Pickles the drummer from Dethklok it's me telling it to you.

I know! But what does this have to do with the music?

Murderface

Who cares about the music?!

Well your audience cares-

Murderface

Well, fuck the audience, FUCK THEM!

Are you guys truly on board with this idea?

Nathan

[short pause] Yeah, I could take it or leave it.

Pickles

Me too.

Good day then. [leaves]

Murderface

Fine. Motherfucking fine! It's my time to shine and you're jealous! Nothing can stop me from producing the world's greatest...NASCAR-type theatrical hybrid event the world's ever seen! [Nathan and Pickles give Murderface no attention whatsoever] Oh, fuck.

Nathan

Okay give me a call when you need me to come pick you up, do you guys have your phones?

Skwisgaar

Yeah.

Toki

Yes.

Nathan

Okay, eat all your lunch and don't talk to anybody. There's weirdos out there.

Skwisgaar

Yeah.

Toki

Yes.

Nathan

Okay, goodbye, study hard! [drives off]

Skwisgaar

Hey Toki. I bets yous a millions billions dollars thats I will be a better driver than yous.

Toki

OH! I bets yous a krillions billions thats I will bes the best, ands the fastest!

Skwisgaar

No way! Yous are on!

Toki

Let's go! [runs out in the street as cars whiz by him; the camera cuts to Skwisgaar as you hear a bunch of crashes occur]

Skwisgaar

Whoa! Look out! Ha ha! Oh... that's funny...

Murderface!

Murderface

Oh hi!

What are you doing in here?

Murderface

Just getting my work done.

Getting your work done- well what work are you doing right now?

Murderface

Uhhhh, you know, for the show. Everything.

Alright, well the impression I'm getting from you is that you don't know what you're doing.

Murderface

[muttering] No I don't. Yeah, that's true.

You're very late approving all the production design. Do you know that?

Murderface

Yeah.

Okay, you have to do that.

Murderface

Yeah.

And you- you've looked at the schedule?

Murderface

Yeah!

Okay, and what do you th-

Murderface

[uninterested] Fine.

Y-you approve the schedule-?

Murderface

It's approved!

You have a press conference... in five minutes. Okay, this is the associated press, alright? You know who that is?

Murderface

Yeah.

It's a lot of people, alright?

Murderface

Associated press...

They're confused by your idea.

Murderface

Confused...

So you have to set them straight. Okay?

Murderface

Yeah.

And you'll remember to do the insurance?

Murderface

Yeah, I got it.

You should do that now.

Murderface

Yeah, I'll do it now.

Okay? We'll do it right after the press conference, okay?

Murderface

Right after the press conference.

Okay.

Murderface

Okay!

I did my job.

Murderface

Okay!

Driving a car can be fun, but sometimes it's dangerous. Drinking and driving seems like a fun way to pass the time, maybe it isn't such a good idea. If the good Lord wanted us to drink and drive, we would've been born with smashed faces. Private Joe's going to have to spread your guts to the side of the road. That's okay, blood makes the grass grow. Say, you wouldn't happen to have an extra-big spatula, would you? Billy's got some eggs. Eggs that are his intestines. Where's Glenda? Late again? She'd better drive extra fast. Oh no, her tits are on Oakdale Street and her brains are on Willow Drive. That's two block away. Long way for tits to be away from brains. He's still clutching the steering wheel...with his face! Eyeballs, anyone? Wonder what he was thinking? Well, look at his brains, maybe that'll tell you.

Alright! Let's drive and have some fun!

Wait, I don't understand, this is supposed to be, what, a NASCAR-type Theatrical Hybrid Event?