I want to tell you something, too.
Yeah?
You know I'm married?
To your wife, right?
To my wife. Does it make a difference?
Sure, it makes a difference. But like they say, nobody's perfect.
[Tom and Mae break into laughter and exit the bar]
All S1
S1 E10Episode 10
S1 E11Episode 11
Let me tell you about guilt. It's like crime, it doesn't pay.
BFBlanche Fedders
I am talking about an atmosphere. A permissive atmosphere, with TV showing all those filthy programs! And I know Heather watches television; all the kids do it!
But what station shows pornographic movies?
BFBlanche Fedders
All of them.
The Waltons isn't dirty.
BFBlanche Fedders
What about Cher?
She looks clean to me.
BFBlanche Fedders
That navel? That naked navel? Can you imagine the ideas that puts into people's heads? We ought to protest the television stations!
Why, television is getting cleaner every year now with this "family hour" business and all.
BFBlanche Fedders
Television isn't getting cleaner. It's getting filthier. Nothing's sacred anymore. Nothing.
Blanche, now what are you talking about?
BFBlanche Fedders
Mary Tyler Moore isn't a virgin.
S1 E12Episode 12
[pulling a bra from the laundry basket] Mary, is this yours?
No, it's Heather's training bra.
Well, I didn't know she had this much to train.
Well, she doesn't, not yet, but I brought it to her to show that I have faith in her.
[bursting into Mary's kitchen] I am at the end of my rope, at the end of my rope! And it's a good thing. If I had more rope I'd hang myself!
You want some rope?
Your father complaining about grocery bills, Grandpa Larkin acting like the playboy of the year, and your sister Cathy talkin' about marrying a deaf and dumb man. And it's all your fault!
S1 E13Episode 13
[Martha has fainted]
Sit up, sit up!
Heather in the hands of a maniac! Say it's not true!
It's not true. She's home. She's not in the hands of a maniac.
Not until 6:30. Then I gotta go back.
JDetective Johnson
[calming an apoplectic George] It's always a good idea to take it easy when your daughter is in the clutches of a mad killer, sir.
S1 E14Episode 14
AAnnouncer
Don't let this scene confuse you! You saw it yesterday, you're seeing it again today. Sometimes we repeat a scene for the people who missed something yesterday.
[Davey has a pistol pressed against Mary's head] Is that a real gun, Davey? It's not real, is it? What is that, a little toy, little water cap pistol?
DDavey
No, it's real.
Oh, it is real. Oh. See, I saw this skit on the Howard Cosell show once. It was a hilarious skit. Tina Louise had a gun, and she took out her gun, and she pulled the trigger, and a sign came out that said "Bang!" Isn't that hilarious, Davey? Does yours have a sign, Davey? It does, doesn't it?
[Davey points pistol at ceiling and fires, plaster rains down on Mary's head]
It's real.
S1 E15Episode 15
JJJesus Jarrera
Hi, everybody! This is your action reporter Jesus Jarrera on target outside the Chinese laundry where terrified housewife Mary Hartman has just emerged with what looks like a list of the mass murderer's mass demands!
CMClete Meizenheimer
Hi! I'm Clete Mizenheimer doing an on-the-spot report with some of the people actually, physically, personally involved in this ongoing tragedy of terror. Now, uh, ah! [looking around, spies Loretta scribbling in a notepad] Here's a young lady right here! Hello, your name is?
I'm Loretta Haggers, friend and neighbor of the hostage.
CMClete Meizenheimer
Oh, a friend and neighbor of the hostage, I see. Well, how do you feel about your friend in there being trapped?
Oh, well, personally, I feel very terrible about it. See, and as a result I have begun to write this tune about the horrendous hours that we've all experienced here of the unknowing, the waiting, the uncertainty, and the sweat and tension that is climaxing in each of us.
CMClete Meizenheimer
Yeah, I feel it, too.
S1 E27Episode 27
I've filled out entry blanks for every single drawing in the supermarket for the last 12 years, and the only thing I ever won was a coupon for a small, little jar of tomato paste; but they were out of tomato paste, and by the time they got more in, my coupon had expired. And now I have venereal disease.
S1 E33Episode 33
You know I can't stand the taste of that mouthwash. I hate it until I've had a cigarette and a cup of coffee.
To my wife: my best friend, my companion, the woman I love.
Oh, Tom, that's so beautiful. It's just like a Geritol commercial.
S1 E37Episode 37
I'm probably one of the few grown men in this whole town who's never so much as had a puff on one of these things. Can you imagine that? And here I am, a grown man.
You mean you wanna try it?
No, no, no. What I was thinkin' is this: Now marijuana is a problem that every parent in America has to deal with, right?
Right.
OK. But how can we deal with it if we don't know what the hell it is?
It's a joint.
I know it's a joint, but I don't know what it does. I've never had any experience with it.
You mean you wanna try it for scientific purposes?
Well, for parental purposes, so when we discuss this thing with Heather, we know what we're talkin' about.
I don't know, Tom. I don't know if it's a good idea for us to smoke this thing at all—I mean, even for parental purposes. I don't think we should smoke it, I really don't.
Have you got a match?
Yeah, here.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.