A character in Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
Played by Louise Lasser
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman · 40 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman: in 20 of its 40 quotes
Most scenes with: Martha Shumway (4), Tom Hartman (4), Loretta Haggers (2)
MaryI've filled out entry blanks for every single drawing in the supermarket for the last 12 years, and the only thing I ever won was a coupon for a small, little jar of tomato paste; but they were out of tomato paste, and by the time they got more in, my coupon had expired. And now I have venereal disease.
[about the Lombardi family] Someone just shot 'em.
Mary HartmanOh my God. The whole family?
All five of them, plus two goats and eight chickens.
Mary HartmanI can't believe that. What kind of a madman would shoot two goats and eight chickens? [after a pause] And the people... the people, of course.
Mary Hartman[On the phone] Grandpa Larkin's at the police station?
Yes he is.
Mary HartmanIs he alright?
Well, not exactly.
Mary HartmanIs he hurt? I mean, what did he have, an accident?
No, he's not hurt. And I'm afraid what happened to him was not an accident.
Mary HartmanI don't know what you mean.
I'm afraid he did it deliberately. That's why he was arrested.
Mary HartmanWhat was he arrested for?
Indecent exposure.
Mary Hartman[Puzzled] Indecent exposure?
That's right. I'm afraid Miss Hartman that your grandfather is the Fernwood flasher.
Mary Hartman[stunned] Listen. Uh, um... I can't talk now. I'm on the phone.
Mary HartmanIt was a wonderful book. It was guaranteed to improve my emotional health.
Did it improve your emotional health?
Mary HartmanI think so, I definitely think so. You see, it was while I was reading that book that I realized that I needed glasses, and that made me feel much better.
Mary HartmanHeather's one of the real achievers in her class. We think that she's sure to win the Rotary Club award when she graduates... that's for good citizenship and posture.
Ah, my, my. How nice.
Mary HartmanYeah. Oh, we're sure of it, we're sure of it.
[Raising her voice to Heather, who's slouched in a kitchen chair]
Mary HartmanMr. Clemens is writing an article about the Lombardi murders Heather. Heather? Isn't that interesting, dear?
[Only her eyes are visible above the table] I don't know.
Mary Hartman[Quietly] Can you sit up a bit straighter when you "don't know," dear?
Now, let's see, what exactly are these charges? They said it might be better to keep all this behind closed doors.
Mary Hartman[whispering to Tom] Isn't that one of Loretta's tunes?
Did you think I was sexy then?
Mary HartmanYeah, you were. You were just like Johnny Carson. You were just all boyish and proud of yourself.
He's a comedian. I'm a Robert Redford, huh?
Mary Hartman[thinks a moment] Johnny Carson.
Mary HartmanWhere's Grandpa?
Watching "Years of Our Days to Live." It's his favorite.
Mary HartmanOh, I don't like that one.
No?
Mary HartmanNo, all the girls look alike, and they're all divorced, and all the husbands fool around with someone at work. I like a more realistic program where everybody's happy.
[pulling a bra from the laundry basket] Mary, is this yours?
Mary HartmanNo, it's Heather's training bra.
Well, I didn't know she had this much to train.
Mary HartmanWell, she doesn't, not yet, but I brought it to her to show that I have faith in her.
[bursting into Mary's kitchen] I am at the end of my rope, at the end of my rope! And it's a good thing. If I had more rope I'd hang myself!
Mary HartmanYou want some rope?
Your father complaining about grocery bills, Grandpa Larkin acting like the playboy of the year, and your sister Cathy talkin' about marrying a deaf and dumb man. And it's all your fault!
[Martha has fainted]
Mary HartmanSit up, sit up!
Heather in the hands of a maniac! Say it's not true!
Mary HartmanIt's not true. She's home. She's not in the hands of a maniac.
Not until 6:30. Then I gotta go back.
Mary Hartman[Davey has a pistol pressed against Mary's head] Is that a real gun, Davey? It's not real, is it? What is that, a little toy, little water cap pistol?
No, it's real.
Mary HartmanOh, it is real. Oh. See, I saw this skit on the Howard Cosell show once. It was a hilarious skit. Tina Louise had a gun, and she took out her gun, and she pulled the trigger, and a sign came out that said "Bang!" Isn't that hilarious, Davey? Does yours have a sign, Davey? It does, doesn't it?
[Davey points pistol at ceiling and fires, plaster rains down on Mary's head]
Mary HartmanIt's real.
To my wife: my best friend, my companion, the woman I love.
MaryOh, Tom, that's so beautiful. It's just like a Geritol commercial.
I'm probably one of the few grown men in this whole town who's never so much as had a puff on one of these things. Can you imagine that? And here I am, a grown man.
MaryYou mean you wanna try it?
No, no, no. What I was thinkin' is this: Now marijuana is a problem that every parent in America has to deal with, right?
MaryRight.
OK. But how can we deal with it if we don't know what the hell it is?
MaryIt's a joint.
I know it's a joint, but I don't know what it does. I've never had any experience with it.
MaryYou mean you wanna try it for scientific purposes?
Well, for parental purposes, so when we discuss this thing with Heather, we know what we're talkin' about.
MaryI don't know, Tom. I don't know if it's a good idea for us to smoke this thing at all—I mean, even for parental purposes. I don't think we should smoke it, I really don't.
Have you got a match?
MaryYeah, here.
MaryYou're angry, aren't you?
Who the hell said I was angry? Who?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
