Loretta Haggers quotes from Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Loretta Haggers

Thank you, I love you all, I really do! And right now I'd like to end this last show, which marks the end of my appearances here at the Capri Lounge at the lovely Rosemont Bowling Lanes, with an original composition that I wrote myself. It's a song that was inspired by the terrible tragedy that befell Mr. Buck Lombardi and his family and animals. It's called "Ridin' the Train to Heaven," and I sure hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed singing and writing it for you.

Loretta Haggers

[about the Lombardi family] Someone just shot 'em.

Mary Hartman

Oh my God. The whole family?

Loretta Haggers

All five of them, plus two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman

I can't believe that. What kind of a madman would shoot two goats and eight chickens? [after a pause] And the people... the people, of course.

Charlie Haggers

[at the doctor's office] How come you gotta send the thing off to the lab?

Now there's the proof right there, y'see? The patient tries to play doctor and have all the answers and just winds up frightening himself.

Loretta Haggers

Herself. I'm a her.

Of course you are, and a very attractive her if I may say so.

Loretta Haggers

Thank you. I'm in show business.

But a her who should be home and taking it easy.

Charlie Haggers

Well, why should she be taking it easy if there's nothing to worry about?

[puffs a cigarette and coughs] "Cause doctor says.

Loretta Haggers

[pulling a bra from the laundry basket] Mary, is this yours?

Mary Hartman

No, it's Heather's training bra.

Loretta Haggers

Well, I didn't know she had this much to train.

Mary Hartman

Well, she doesn't, not yet, but I brought it to her to show that I have faith in her.

Hi! I'm Clete Mizenheimer doing an on-the-spot report with some of the people actually, physically, personally involved in this ongoing tragedy of terror. Now, uh, ah! [looking around, spies Loretta scribbling in a notepad] Here's a young lady right here! Hello, your name is?

Loretta Haggers

I'm Loretta Haggers, friend and neighbor of the hostage.

Oh, a friend and neighbor of the hostage, I see. Well, how do you feel about your friend in there being trapped?

Loretta Haggers

Oh, well, personally, I feel very terrible about it. See, and as a result I have begun to write this tune about the horrendous hours that we've all experienced here of the unknowing, the waiting, the uncertainty, and the sweat and tension that is climaxing in each of us.

Yeah, I feel it, too.

Do you have faith?

Loretta

Oh yes, Ma'am, I do.

Do you truly believe?

Loretta

Oh, I truly believe, I do. I believe like I know my name's Loretta Haggers and I'm gonna be the biggest country/western star in the whole world!

And you truly have faith?

Loretta

Oh yes, Ma'am, it's just … runnin' through me like a turned-on garden hose.

Well, a body can't be married to a man like Charlie for five months without wondering how the rest of his life turned out.

Loretta

Oh! Well, I can answer that for you real quick: It turned out great. See, Charlie is happier than a hungry hog with a bowl o' slops. … I mean, we have what a lot of people call "the ideal marriage". We're just so plum in love that it's kinda sickening to some folks.

Though he had to leave earlier in the show, I want to thank the wonderful Joe Namath for taking time out from his many knee injuries to model pantyhose for us today. Thank you so much, Joe! [Dinah kisses the air.] You are a dear. Now, where were we?

Loretta

Well, Dinah, we was just mashin' the heck out of these sweet potatoes.