Tom Hartman quotes from Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Tom Hartman

Did you think I was sexy then?

Mary Hartman

Yeah, you were. You were just like Johnny Carson. You were just all boyish and proud of yourself.

Tom Hartman

He's a comedian. I'm a Robert Redford, huh?

Mary Hartman

[thinks a moment] Johnny Carson.

Charlie Haggers

You know that demo we made last night is pure gold. Do you have any idea how much you can make from just one hit record?

George Shumway

No, I don't.

Charlie Haggers

Well, neither do I, but it's a lot. The hits are what count.

Tom Hartman

[half-asleep, mumbles] Hits, hits, the dodger hit fifty-six in a row then he married Marilyn Monroe, and that's the way they go.

George Shumway

Meet my son-in-law, Mr. Non-Poetry in Motion.

Tom Hartman

I want to tell you something, too.

Mae Olinski

Yeah?

Tom Hartman

You know I'm married?

Mae Olinski

To your wife, right?

Tom Hartman

To my wife. Does it make a difference?

Mae Olinski

Sure, it makes a difference. But like they say, nobody's perfect.

Tom

To my wife: my best friend, my companion, the woman I love.

Mary

Oh, Tom, that's so beautiful. It's just like a Geritol commercial.

Tom

I'm probably one of the few grown men in this whole town who's never so much as had a puff on one of these things. Can you imagine that? And here I am, a grown man.

Mary

You mean you wanna try it?

Tom

No, no, no. What I was thinkin' is this: Now marijuana is a problem that every parent in America has to deal with, right?

Mary

Right.

Tom

OK. But how can we deal with it if we don't know what the hell it is?

Mary

It's a joint.

Tom

I know it's a joint, but I don't know what it does. I've never had any experience with it.

Mary

You mean you wanna try it for scientific purposes?

Tom

Well, for parental purposes, so when we discuss this thing with Heather, we know what we're talkin' about.

Mary

I don't know, Tom. I don't know if it's a good idea for us to smoke this thing at all—I mean, even for parental purposes. I don't think we should smoke it, I really don't.

Tom

Have you got a match?

Mary

Yeah, here.

Mary

You're angry, aren't you?

Tom

Who the hell said I was angry? Who?