Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman · Season 1
[about the Lombardi family] Someone just shot 'em.
Oh my God. The whole family?
All five of them, plus two goats and eight chickens.
I can't believe that. What kind of a madman would shoot two goats and eight chickens? [after a pause] And the people... the people, of course.
[On the phone] Grandpa Larkin's at the police station?
Yes he is.
Is he alright?
Well, not exactly.
Is he hurt? I mean, what did he have, an accident?
No, he's not hurt. And I'm afraid what happened to him was not an accident.
I don't know what you mean.
I'm afraid he did it deliberately. That's why he was arrested.
What was he arrested for?
Indecent exposure.
[Puzzled] Indecent exposure?
That's right. I'm afraid Miss Hartman that your grandfather is the Fernwood flasher.
[stunned] Listen. Uh, um... I can't talk now. I'm on the phone.
It was a wonderful book. It was guaranteed to improve my emotional health.
Did it improve your emotional health?
I think so, I definitely think so. You see, it was while I was reading that book that I realized that I needed glasses, and that made me feel much better.
Heather's one of the real achievers in her class. We think that she's sure to win the Rotary Club award when she graduates... that's for good citizenship and posture.
Ah, my, my. How nice.
Yeah. Oh, we're sure of it, we're sure of it.
[Raising her voice to Heather, who's slouched in a kitchen chair]
Mr. Clemens is writing an article about the Lombardi murders Heather. Heather? Isn't that interesting, dear?
[Only her eyes are visible above the table] I don't know.
[Quietly] Can you sit up a bit straighter when you "don't know," dear?
Now, let's see, what exactly are these charges? They said it might be better to keep all this behind closed doors.
[whispering to Tom] Isn't that one of Loretta's tunes?
Did you think I was sexy then?
Yeah, you were. You were just like Johnny Carson. You were just all boyish and proud of yourself.
He's a comedian. I'm a Robert Redford, huh?
[thinks a moment] Johnny Carson.
Thank you, I love you all, I really do! And right now I'd like to end this last show, which marks the end of my appearances here at the Capri Lounge at the lovely Rosemont Bowling Lanes, with an original composition that I wrote myself. It's a song that was inspired by the terrible tragedy that befell Mr. Buck Lombardi and his family and animals. It's called "Ridin' the Train to Heaven," and I sure hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed singing and writing it for you.
The only mishap I have is living past any reasonable man's threescore and ten. [looks heavenward] You want me, Grace?
Long life is a blessing, you know that, Pa.
For who? For hearing aid companies and denture manufacturers, that's for who. Another man who wouldn't take any guff was Harold Ickes.
[visiting the psychiatric social worker] Where's your couch?
Well, you see, I work for the county and they won't buy me one. But you won't believe what can be accomplished in chairs!
Charlie, you can stop by the payroll office. I put your check through for your overtime.
[yelps in delight and hugs Mae] Oh, that does it! That puts me over the top, and on chunky tuna day, too! There are some days where everything goes right. It's like my daddy said, it's better to be born lucky than good lookin'.
And you were born both.
Where's Grandpa?
Watching "Years of Our Days to Live." It's his favorite.
Oh, I don't like that one.
No?
No, all the girls look alike, and they're all divorced, and all the husbands fool around with someone at work. I like a more realistic program where everybody's happy.
[dials the phone] Hello, Trudy? This is Heather. Yeah, I can talk now. No, no, I'm not wiped out. What? What? [slams down phone, turns to Detective Johnson] If that's true I'll kill myself!
[slurps coffee] I mean, I went along with this psychologist social worker bit 'cause I don't know what to do with Grandpa. Martha wouldn't let me send him away. Mary thinks he's harmless. Cathy thinks he's cool. And then they send this dame Walkie-Talkie-Shacky, whatever her name is, and she falls in love with him. I tell you, this woman is getting crazy.
You know that demo we made last night is pure gold. Do you have any idea how much you can make from just one hit record?
No, I don't.
Well, neither do I, but it's a lot. The hits are what count.
[half-asleep, mumbles] Hits, hits, the dodger hit fifty-six in a row then he married Marilyn Monroe, and that's the way they go.
Meet my son-in-law, Mr. Non-Poetry in Motion.
[at the doctor's office] How come you gotta send the thing off to the lab?
Now there's the proof right there, y'see? The patient tries to play doctor and have all the answers and just winds up frightening himself.
Herself. I'm a her.
Of course you are, and a very attractive her if I may say so.
Thank you. I'm in show business.
But a her who should be home and taking it easy.
Well, why should she be taking it easy if there's nothing to worry about?
[puffs a cigarette and coughs] "Cause doctor says.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
