Martha Shumway quotes from Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

The only mishap I have is living past any reasonable man's threescore and ten. [looks heavenward] You want me, Grace?

Martha Shumway

Long life is a blessing, you know that, Pa.

For who? For hearing aid companies and denture manufacturers, that's for who. Another man who wouldn't take any guff was Harold Ickes.

Martha Shumway

[visiting the psychiatric social worker] Where's your couch?

Well, you see, I work for the county and they won't buy me one. But you won't believe what can be accomplished in chairs!

Mary Hartman

Where's Grandpa?

Martha Shumway

Watching "Years of Our Days to Live." It's his favorite.

Mary Hartman

Oh, I don't like that one.

Martha Shumway

No?

Mary Hartman

No, all the girls look alike, and they're all divorced, and all the husbands fool around with someone at work. I like a more realistic program where everybody's happy.

I am talking about an atmosphere. A permissive atmosphere, with TV showing all those filthy programs! And I know Heather watches television; all the kids do it!

Martha Shumway

But what station shows pornographic movies?

All of them.

Martha Shumway

The Waltons isn't dirty.

What about Cher?

Martha Shumway

She looks clean to me.

That navel? That naked navel? Can you imagine the ideas that puts into people's heads? We ought to protest the television stations!

Martha Shumway

Why, television is getting cleaner every year now with this "family hour" business and all.

Television isn't getting cleaner. It's getting filthier. Nothing's sacred anymore. Nothing.

Martha Shumway

Blanche, now what are you talking about?

Mary Tyler Moore isn't a virgin.

Martha Shumway

[bursting into Mary's kitchen] I am at the end of my rope, at the end of my rope! And it's a good thing. If I had more rope I'd hang myself!

Mary Hartman

You want some rope?

Martha Shumway

Your father complaining about grocery bills, Grandpa Larkin acting like the playboy of the year, and your sister Cathy talkin' about marrying a deaf and dumb man. And it's all your fault!

Mary Hartman

Sit up, sit up!

Martha Shumway

Heather in the hands of a maniac! Say it's not true!

Mary Hartman

It's not true. She's home. She's not in the hands of a maniac.

Heather Hartman

Not until 6:30. Then I gotta go back.

Mary

I'm, fine, Ma, I'm just fine. Tom went to work at the plant, I am here in the kitchen, and we said goodbye at the door.

Martha

But he was so upset, and you were so upset.

Mary

Ma, it is probably just the mineral wastes. You know? There is a lot of mineral waste in the water. You have to remember: these are the 1970s; we have to be thankful that we're just functioning.

Martha

I suppose.

Mary

You know what else I did? I did the dishes, I made my shopping list, I made my grocery list, I have Hamburger Helper, I have Tuna Helper, I have Helper Helper ….

Martha

But, Mary, do you really think they help? Because just look at you.

Mary

I'm not depressed, Ma. I managed to get out of bed, and I remembered that Loretta is about to be on TV. I mean, that, to me, is such a lift! I mean, that a neighbor of mine, a friend, has actually broken out of this rut!