Married... with Children · Season 2
Mr. Pittman (after Al agrees to have Buck neutered): Keep your dog away from mine. And while we're on the subject: keep your daughter away from my son.
She was probably just lending him a dress.
(Peg covers her mouth to keep from cracking up as Mr. Pittman leaves)
Al has invited Steve to watch an attractive repair girl fix his refrigerator
Steve {stern voice}: Let me get this straight, you dragged me all the way over here for this?!
Yeah.
Steve {pleasant voice}: Thanks, Al!
Steve opens can of beer with Al
[staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.
I think it looks more like an apple, Al.
So Al, you were staring at that girl too?
Yeah...
I bet she had great legs.
Yeah...
And good breasts.
Yeah...
Do you wanna come upstairs?
Yeah... Wait a minute--with you?
Oh, yeah!
...Okay.
I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.
Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?
Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?
Oh yeah, yeah, ah...it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.
WHAT?!
A stripper who called himself "Zorro" came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.
I cannot believe this.
Do not get upset at all this. Look at it as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
What do you mean?
Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her women's meetings and you could come in and say something like "12 women in the house and the dishes are dirty?" Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket, and make the sign of the Z.
So no one made the call to Vancouver?
Alright then, it's a mistake. I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since the day I got married.
I'll bet this whole thing comes to [looks at bill] 253!!! Family meeting!
The whole family!
I'm on the phone.
[picks up phone] I said family meeting.
[examining the bill] Let’s see what else we have here. Sports hotline, sports hotline, sports hotline, those are ok. Wait a second, wait. Vancouver $80. Kelly?
Oh, sure, all eyes turn to me. Well, let me ask you this. If I did know somebody in Vancouver, don’t you think I’d be living with them and not here?
True enough. Bud?
America First, Dad.
[starts to get up] How 'bout it, Peg? Your mother gotten so fat she's spread across the border?
Al, I did not call Vancouver. And Mom is down to nearly 200.
Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Well, I warned you, Al.
[chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.
Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.
Hey, Al. Why aren't you at the race track?
The same reason I'm not out dating sleazy blondes. I'm married with children.
Okay, Kel, here's another one. You're walking down the street, and an old man with a dollar pulls up beside you. You a) Ignore him and keep walking, b) Call the police, or (suggestively): c) Do what you usually do?
What is the big rush about getting a license? I mean, do you think that driving a car is glamorous?
Well, it's not as glamorous as hitching with pervos, but I still want to drive.
Well, what about the bus?
Kelly (sarcastically): Yeah, that's great, Dad. Crammed together with a bunch of sweaty strangers who don't speak any English, except for, "Hey, blondie! Look at this!"
Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.
Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.
I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for 5 days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for 5 days?
Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother, and travel.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
