This isn't fair. Mom should have never taken us to a store that sells candy. She set us up!
S2 E3"Lois' Birthday"
Boy [to Lois]: Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?
(inside a batting cage) I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.
I'm lost. (Francis punches Reese) OW!
That's how Mom feels... on the inside.
(After Francis keeps talking to another girl)
AAmaani
You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
Oh.
AAmaani
Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.
I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, and make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amanni.
S2 E4"Dinner Out"
Hey I promised you girls! Not quality girls.
Sorry we're late, some jackass parked in the handicapped spot.
Hal (nervous and embarrassed): Uhh... excuse me, I think I left something in the car.
It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.
Good for you.
I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner
I think I see a couple of hungry seals!
(The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths)
(knocking on Spangler's door) Sir?
Go away! I told you I did not want to be disturbed. My aunt and I are... catching up.
I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.
(Long pause)
Go away!
Hal [to Lois]: Okay, here's the plan if we want to ditch out of this thing. At the beginning, I'll say that I think I might be coming down with something...
Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this. I'm looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.
So, you're saying I'm on my own here?
Lois [to the boys]: Now, remember, no throwing ice, no flicking butter at the ceiling, no sticking gum under the table, and no eating gum already stuck under the table!
Spangler (referring to the damage the local girls wrought): I'd say we got off lucky. This happened once before in '72; we had to bulldoze the Ampitheater.
[Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)
You go, Abe!
Local girls?! There are local girls inside the perimeter?! Have they killed anyone?[...] Do you have any idea what you've done?! Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and co-operation of the local community! The Police Chief and the Mayor both sit on our Board of Governers, the Fire Chief is a regent...and right now, their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts...!
What are we gonna do, sir?
We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.
JJoe
But they're destroying the school.
Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.
Stevie [to Reese]: Crying on command got me a cable modem!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.