Roger Sterling quotes from Mad Men

Don

Mohawk is going to insist on a regular copywriter.

Roger

Someone with a penis.

Peggy

I'll work on that.

Roger

[to Peggy] You know I could fire you?

Peggy

Great. There's some portfolios in Jones's office. Maybe you could find somebody tonight.

Roger

Why are you doing this to me?

Peggy

Because you're being very demanding for someone who has no other choice. Dazzle me.

Roger

Fine. How much you want?

Peggy

How much you got?

Roger

$400.

Peggy

Give me all of it.

Roger

Jesus! This better be good.

Peggy

Do you want me to take your watch?

Lane

England won the World Cup.

Roger

Cup of what?

Roger

So what was wrong again?

You don't like me.

Roger

I did. I really did.

We're at 50% market share in almost everything we make.

Don

Because you have a big line of diverse and charismatic products. And you keep making more. Zip-tape. Styrofoam. Rovana. And why do you do that? Because even though success is a reality, its effects are temporary. You get hungry even though you've just eaten. At the old firm, we had London Fog raincoats. We had a year where we sold 81% of the raincoats in the United States.

Roger

Name another raincoat.

Don

But we didn't stop working for them because 81% isn't enough.

Tell me about napalm.

Roger

You mean that thing those kids outside your building are screaming at you about?

Don

Napalm was invented in 1942. The government put it in flamethrowers against the Nazis, impact bombs against the Japanese. It was all over Korea, I was there. And now it's in Vietnam. But the important thing is when our boys are fighting and they need it, when America needs it, Dow makes it and it works.

But it doesn't change the fact that we're happy with our agency.

Don

Are you? You're happy with 50%? You're on top and you don't have enough. You're happy because you're successful. For now. But what is happiness? It's a moment before you need more happiness. I won't settle for 50% of anything. I want 100%. You're happy with your agency? You're not happy with anything. You don't want most of it, you want all of it. And I won't stop until you get all of it.

Don

Why do we do this?

Roger

For the sex, but it's always disappointing.

Roger

Come on in, Burt. Have a seat.

[looking at Roger's modernist chair] What is this? A bed?

Roger

Yeah. You might wanna lie down because here we are again.

Well, I haven't forgotten anything. Not a damn thing.

Roger

A lot of times in life you get to do something and you don't realize until it's over how much you enjoyed it. And you swear that the next time it comes around, you're gonna remember that.

You're right. And I think I can work with you, too.

Roger

Work? No Burt, I'm letting you go again.

What the hell? You can't do that!

Roger

It probably doesn't make a difference at this point, but no one fought for ya.

Well we'll see what the folks at Chevy have to say about this!

Roger

Remember Ken Cosgrove? Like a six foot version of Alan Ladd? He's touring the plant right now.

You bastard! I've got four million in billings! What've you got?

Roger

I was thinking you would feel that way, that you had more clients and that gives you a voice. I was imagining you talking over me in meetings. Now I don't have that problem.

My clients will leave with me!

Roger

No one will ever say you weren't funny, Burt.

Well I'll tell you one thing, I'm expecting some kind of severance!

Roger

Who knows? We're really hurting, we're having to cut back...well, obviously.

You're a real prick, you know that?

Roger

Dammit Burt, you stole my goodbye.

Oh, hello, you must be Burt Peterson. I'm Bob Benson. I'm supposed to report to you.

Well, as first order of business, I recommend you stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye!

Don

How did you get in here?

Roger

Money.

Don

No.

Roger

May I speak with you? ... What's going on? You got this letter this morning and it's very upsetting news.

Don

Are they firing you?

Sterling

I don't know.

Don

What does that mean, "breach of contract"? They are either firing you, or not. This is coming from the agency's attorney.

Sterling

Why didn't they call me?? -- Look at you.

Pete

I've secured Birdseye. I think Ferguson Donnelly is one happy man.

Roger

More like a man-and-a-half. As my father would say, he really puts the "Mick" in "McCann".

Ken

Roger, I just wanted to let you know I won't be collecting severance.

Roger

You got another job? Good for you. But you're still entitled.

Ken

It wouldn't be right. My signing bonus from Dow is so big it feels like a second helping.

Roger

What the hell are you talking about?

Ken

See, I wasn't just Ed's son-in-law. They actually value their relationships.

Roger

Well, I suppose they need a guy in fertilizer.

Ken

I'm taking Tom Schaeffer's old post. Head of Advertising.

Pete

So, you're going to fire us.

Ken

No, it's going to be way worse than that. I'm going to be your client. And I hate to tell you, but I'm very hard to please. Until we meet again. [leaves]

Pete

Shit.

Pete

I just talked Secor Laxatives into joining us.

Roger

Do you want to?

Don

Were they difficult to move?

Pete

The thing to do is not make that joke.

Peggy

What are you doing here?

Roger

I told Caroline I wanted to pack my personal things. Which I will eventually do, once I figure out why she thought my bar wasn't personal.

Peggy

Did you try Don's office?

Roger

All I found was lighter fluid. I'm not there yet.

Peggy

We had our drink. You clearly don't need help. You need an audience.

Roger

McCann made you wait. You can make them wait.

Peggy

I'm not enjoying this. [He holds up painting] Oh, my God. What is that?

Roger

It's an octopus pleasuring a lady.

Marie

[in French] What will I do when you disappear? I'll starve! I'll be walking the streets of Manhattan with a tiny suitcase and a dollar in my pocket!

Roger

All I got was "suitcase". Yell at me slower, or in English.