SSheila
Jokes don't make a comedian. Everyone has an "itchy butt" joke. It's all about what you do with it.
What you do with your itchy butt?
SSheila
With the joke!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Rest easy. I'm not a thief. Your valuables are untouched. Unless, of course, you consider your wife a "valuable". In that case, I've touched her several times. Twice this morning.
Hey, Lieutenant. You busy?
Depends what you're gonna ask me next.
[Lucifer is high on marijuana and riding around on a horse.]
Lucifer!
Detective.
What is going on here? And how did you get that horse?
What horse?
So, I've been, um, walking a mile in Lucifer's shoes, to learn more about him. To try to understand him.
Bro, what's there to understand? The guy does what he wants, says what he wants, he gets away with it. He parties constantly, he apparently has an endless supply of cash, drives a sick-ass ride (to bartender: "Thanks."), and gets to have sex with a different hot girl every night.
.... What a terrible, lonely existence.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sounds awful.
There was this, uh, soul that I used to torture back in Hell. And like a good masochist, he'd call the shots. "Burn me. Freeze me. Hurt me." So, I did. And this went on for centuries. Until one day, for some reason, he missed his daily punishment. And when I returned, he was crying. "Please, my King," he said. "Don't ever forget me again.... I promise I'll be good." It was then that I realized he was so full of self-loathing, void of any self-respect, that no matter the depth of my cruelty, whatever minuscule attention I paid gave meaning to his... pointless existence.
Pierce called from the hospital 'cause, apparently, he never stops working. But we have a new case.
What, the case of the missing bedpan? Riveting.
[objecting to the concept of Trixie's swear jar ] I mean, what a ridiculous idea, Bad words? Determined by an arbitrary set of rules, just like my Father's? [hands Trixie two hundred-dollar bills] Here, child. This should buy you plenty of juicy words, you swear away.
GFGrace Foley
[to Chloe, thinking she's a model for the sexy commercial being filmed] What... why are your clothes still on?!
I ask myself that all the time.
It's Charlotte time. [boldly enters the interrogation room, sees who's in there] You're not Charlotte.
LLarry
[a middle-aged man, clearly not Charlotte] And yet, people get us confused, like, all the time. [chuckles] Hi. Larry. Charlotte is busy at the moment, so Richards & Wheeler sent me.
[low whisper, to himself] Mother flunker.
Charlotte, where are you going?
To join the Peace Corps, donate my entire savings to an orphanage or build a shelter for blind, one-legged puppies.
Well, as long as you're not being over-dramatic.
[Trying to be discreet, Ella speaks to Lucifer in pig latin.]
Sorry, is that German? 'Cause if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. Hitler was a talker. Well, a screamer, actually.
Miss Lopez, you are an enigma wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.
[Chloe and Linda are secretly fooling around in Lucifer's penthouse, getting progressively drunk.]
[plays random keys on the piano, mock-imitating Lucifer's accent] "I'm Lucifer Morningstar. I can play the piano and I'm a fancy British man."
Let's go take a peek at his sock drawer.
[mock outrage] But, Dr. Martin, you're his therapist. Aren't there rules against that?
Trust me. There's nothing I don't know about Lucifer Morningstar.
Except what's in his sock drawer.
[speaking to who he believes is a sleeping Chloe] I'm not exactly sure what you're all doing here, but I imagine it's something to do with the fact that I wasn't. And the truth is... I went to Las Vegas. And even though it was for a very good reason, I didn't tell you because last time I went on a Vegas jaunt, there were some very unpleasant feelings involved. For both of us. And, well, I didn't want to dredge any of those up again. So, I bluffed. But I've come to realize that perhaps bluffing is the same as lying, and that's, as you know, something I never want to do. [gently caresses Chloe's back] Especially to you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Lucifer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.