TV show quotes
[Lucifer has given Chloe a pendant made from the bullet she shot into his leg ("Manly Whatnots").]
Well, I thought since I'd never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me. [shares a laugh with Chloe] So, Happy Birthday, Detective.
I have a story for you, Reporter. One I've never told a human soul before. I take no part in who goes to Hell.
Then who does?
You humans. [chuckles] You send yourselves, driven down by your own guilt, forcing yourselves to relive your sins over and over. And the best part? The doors aren't locked. You could leave any time. It says something that no one ever does, doesn't it?
You're not paparazzi? Oh, thank God.
Ugh. Man, the things Dad gets credit for.
[Pierce arrives at Lux to find Lucifer alone at the bar]
Well I'm here. This couldn't have waited until morning?
Time-sensitive, I'm afraid. In a way, the opposite.
Just tell me what you want.
Right. Well, we're both familiar with the accomplice theory, that our blind barbarian had someone working for him. ["Yeah."] Well it occurred to me that…what if the Sinnerman was the one working for someone else? What if he was the accomplice? Exhibit A. [he pulls out the photo of the young Sinnerman] Here is Mr. Sinnerman as a child, with a man he seems very close to. Interesting birthmark. It's a very similar shape to your military tattoo, actually, wouldn't you agree? ["So?"] Well, so it stands to reason that this man would be very very old by now. Or, if he isn't, he'd have to be…[laughs] immortal.
[stone-faced] An immortal crime boss. Just like you're the Devil.
Ha. Yes, I know, it does sound absurd, doesn't it? So, as such, there's really only one way to prove my theory. [reaches over the bar] Where did I—ah, there it is.
[Lucifer grabs a knife from the bar and plunges it into Pierce's chest. The police officer staggers to the floor and sprawls out, dead. Lucifer returns to his seat at the bar, nurses his drink for about a minute…and Pierce revives, grunting and roaring as he pulls at the knife handle]
I wonder why I didn't figure it out sooner. The world's first murderer. Marked by God and doomed to walk the earth alone for a tortured eternity. It's quite the moniker! Yet, still, nowhere near as ridiculous as "The Sinnerman."
[Pierce stands and pulls the knife out, and Lucifer looks him eye to eye]
Wouldn't you agree…Cain?
[his secret out, Cain catches his breath and sits at the bar next to Lucifer]
You may as well pour me one too.
[Lucifer is walking down a sidewalk in 2011 dressed in John Travolta's iconic white suit from Saturday Night Fever.]
Nice suit.
Thank you very much.
My grandpa had one just like it.
Grandfather? But.... This was the height of fashion last time I visited.
[Amenadiel has interrupted Lucifer's partying by stopping time.]
How can someone who can literally control time have such atrocious timing?
[regarding piano music at an outdoor bar] Oh. Brother, listen to that. Ah. I haven't heard music like that since, well, since the Silver City.
What, there's no music in Hell?
Only for torture and usually out of tune. Lately, we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.
Thanks for your help. I mean, I will admit that I was a bit skeptical of your plan, but this might actually work.
Yes, of course it'll work, Brother. That's why you asked me, remember? Someone crafty, smart--
And evil. [laughs good-naturedly]
[a bit stunned] Evil?
Well, if you want to find a deplorable criminal, you just ask... Well, you know what I mean, Luci. Come on. You are the Devil, after all.
[to Pierce about how he takes his coffee] Cream? Sugar? Or do you take it dark and bitter, like your soul?
I have walked this Earth for thousands of years. I have seen everything, I have done everything. I have watched everything I've ever known turn to ashes over and over again.
Oh, it's almost like you're in--
Hell? Yeah.
[Cain arrives at Lucifer's penthouse, but it appears Lucifer isn't home]
Lucifer? Lucifer? Hello, Lucifer?
[Lucifer steps out from the bedroom, welding mask on his face and revving a chainsaw, but stops when he sees Cain's bored look]
If it were that easy to kill me, I'd have been dead a long time ago!
[Lucifer puts down the chainsaw and refers to a list.]
Right, have you tried... grenade down the throat?
Yes.
[crosses it off] Acid bath?
Mmm-hmm.
[crosses it off] Devoured by wolves?
Yes.
[getting exasperated] Dropped into helicopter blades?
Mmm-hmm. I've been trying to kill myself since the Bronze Age. I have tried everything. Even jumped into a volcano once.
What, you survived molten lava?
Yeah, it was a rough six months. Whatever I do, I just... regrow.
Like a blue-eyed, square-jawed tapeworm. So, if I cut you exactly in half, would there be two Pierces?
No. Only one side would heal. I call it the master molecule theory—
Yes, yes, Wolverine rules. I get it.
Why are you doing this?
Well, how am I supposed to solve the mystery of how to kill you if I don't under stand you first? Your strengths, your weaknesses. Because everyone has a kryptonite, Lieutenant.
Pierce! Lieutenant, you're still here. D-does that mean you've decided to stay or...?
Yeah, at least for now.
Oh! That's great! That's really, really great.
Two "reallys"? Really?
Ah, the diamond industry. Truly the greatest trick someone other than me played on the world. Thousands of dollars for lumps of old coal. Incredible.
How do know so much about diamonds?
Well, I've watched enough Real Housewives to fake it with the best of them.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Lucifer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
