TCTraffic Cop
You know why I pulled you over?
Well, obviously you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay, I understand. It's…I…I like to punish people too. Or, at least I used to.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh Amenadiel, how's it hanging big guy? huh?
Your return to the underworld has been requested.
Oh, right. Okay. Let me just, uh…check my calendar. Yeah, here it is. Uh…the 7th of Never through to the 15th of Ain't Gonna Happen. How's that work for you guys? Ah, look…remind Dad that I quit Hell because I was sick and tired of playing a part in His play.
I'm gonna warn you against disrespecting our Father, Lucifer.
Yeah, well, our Father's been disrespecting me since the beginning of time, so pot-kettle, don't you think?
You…are a mockery of everything divine.
Thank you. Thank you but, lately I've been doing a fair amount of thinking, now do you think I'm the devil because I'm inherently evil just because dear old Dad decided I was?
What exactly do you think happens when the devil leaves Hell? All of those demons, all of those tormented and tortured souls, where do you think they go?
Don't know, don't care, not my problem brother, so consider the position officially open (takes a sip of his drink) and you my feathered friend can go to Hell (Amenadiel draws his wing at Lucifer's neck) Oh...Yeah try it, you think father's upset now?
(Chuckles and draws his wing back) You know, he will not be merciful for much longer.
"Lucifer Morningstar." What, is that like a stage name or something?
God given, I'm afraid.
Why don't you tell me something? How did she end up dying in a hailstorm of bullets and you get away without a scratch? I think that's interesting, don't you?
The benefits of immortality.
Immortality? Mm. Of course. Uh…you spell that with one or two "m"s? I always forget.
22Vile
You have a problem with black people?
No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music. And when I say your music, I mean your music, not the music made by other black people. Without the blues, there would be no Devil's music whatsoever. There are of course many giants in the field. Just not you. Am I being clear?
My name's Beatrice but everybody calls me Trixie.
That's a hooker's name.
What's a hooker?
Ask your mother.
I don't know whether to laugh or shoot you.
Surprise me.
So our only evidence is currently in your lungs?
[amused] Aah, you really wanted to say "up in smoke" then, didn't you?
[not amused] No. No, I most definitely did not.
So you're the Devil?
Yes. Yes. Well, Satan, Beelzebub, Old Scratch. Actually, I like that one in particular. But, uh, those were the old me. These days, you just have plain old Lucifer.
And you've left Hell behind to take a vacation in Los Angeles?
Well, where else would I go?
What makes you different?
I guess we both have our mysteries.
Ah. Well, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.
Well, there are few things bigger than myself.
I'm well aware.
I think you like me.
What part of the look on my face gives you that impression?
You know, you say... you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to re-invent themselves. That's why I think you're here. To reinvent yourself.
Why would I mess with perfection?
YWYoung Woman
Lucifer Morningstar, the guy who owns Lux?
Yes, that is me.
YWYoung Woman
No it's not. I've seen him before, his beats are sick.
I very much beg your pardon?
YWYoung Woman
Yeah, he performed at a rap battle in The Valley last week.
Every part of that sentence horrifies me.
YWYoung Woman
It is so gross, that you're pretending to be someone you're not. And your accent is fake.
Finally some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.
I can assure you He's in no way meteorologically-inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing and that was a one-off.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Lucifer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.