Kai quotes from Lexx

Kai

First you must remove my power and control rods.

Xev

Where are your power and control rods?

Kai

[points to a bronze codpiece he's wearing] There, between my legs.

Xev

[takes a deep breath] Okay, remove the power and control rods... How?

Kai

Turn, and pull.

Xev

[working on Kai's codpiece] Does this hurt?

Kai

[squirms] No.

Stan

No, the dead don't feel pain, right?

Stan

Yeah I know, I know. The dead do not feel stress.

Kai

Right. But the dead do go out of alignment.

Sir, I must ask you... How is it that you are alive?

Kai

[weak] I am not alive.

If I may refer the commission? The claimant's statement, section three, paragraph 1-B of my procurement report.

Thank you. [curious] He is not from Fire...?

The claimant claims not to be, Adjudicator.

I don't understand.

The claimant also claims - to be dead. Section 7, paragraph 5-A.

Dead?

Kai

I assume that this process will inevitably lead to some sort of punishment? I request that you cut this process short, and throw me off the edge of the city.

Claimants are not permitted to request punishments at this stage. The claimant must wait until the final adjudication.

Procurer, this man that you procured from the desert claims in your procurement report that he has been an assassin. Is that correct?

That is correct, Adjudicatrix.

Kai

Once again - I request that you throw me from the edge of the city!

Claimant. You will not progress your claim until you respect the rules and procedures by which this adjudication commission adjudicates its claims.

Kai

[louder] I withdraw ALL claims. And request that this 'commission' throw me from the edge of the city!

Claimant. Have you ever suffered torture? Degradation? Or other evil on this planet?

Kai

Yes, from this commission!

Default! Rule one, accusations against the commission are not recordable.

Claimant? Have you, in fact, ever assassinated anyone?

Kai

[breathless] I... have killed mothers with their babies... I have killed great philosophers, and proud young warriors... I have killed... the evil! And the good! The intelligent! The weak... and the beautiful. But it's been a while since I slayed a whole room full of petty bureaucrats! [begins to sing 'Yo Way Yo']

The claimant will answer the Adjudicatrix's question! Those who do not comply with the commission are subject to standard punishment number one!

Kai

What is that?

Number one is to be thrown off the edge of the city, to their death.

Kai

I request standard punishment number one!

Claimants are not allowed to request specific punishments. This commission has the sole right to adjudicate the claimant's claim.

Kai

Look.. here! At my arm... Procurer, come... Come here. I think it will answer your questions.

Kai

Feel... along the muscle.

What has this to do with the Adjudicators' question?

Kai

Are you afraid? I do not even have the strength to raise my arm!

Kai

A little higher... A little higher.

notices something] What's that?

Kai

Squeeze it.

I do not know if it is permitted. [to Adjudicators] Is it permitted?

Kai

At least the fall fixed THAT part of me.

[struggling] What do you want?

Kai

I REQUEST that you throw me OFF the EDGE of the CITY!

This adjudication commission hereby grants the claimant standard punishment number one. [the commission starts stamping papers]

Kai

I must procure this balloon from you.

But it is not permitted.

Kai

Perhaps not. But I have been realigned.

Welcome back, Kai! Captain of my heart.

Kai

Hello.

I suffered here so long in silence. All alone. By myself. Desperately longing for the cold dead flesh I desire.

Stan

“How could I be so stupid?”

Kai

“There are many ways.”

Kai

The point of death is the point of joy.

Stan

What are you talking about?

Kai

I died a long time ago but I still remember the experience.

Kai

I also remember the experience from sexual climax from the time I was alive.

Stan

Oh well, that's very nice. I'm very happy for ya'.

Kai

And there is a certain similarity between the two events.

Stan

Between getting jollies and... getting killed?

Kai

Yes. The quality of release was somewhat the same. Only with death it was far greater.

Xev

What are you doing?

Xev

Why are you buried in the dirt?

Kai

It is the natural way of all dead things.