Eliot quotes from Leverage

Eliot

Nice job, blowing out the engine block.

I was aiming for his leg.

Eliot

Gimme the gun, Hardison!

Sophie

Is he sleeping?

Could be a concussion.

Eliot

No, I’ve had concussions. You don't snore.

Eliot

It's right underneath the seat. All right? That means it's got to be pressure sensitive. If you move, this thing's gonna go off. Chill.

Pressure sensitive? It's pressure sensitive. You sure? Okay. Pressure. Pressure. Okay, um. Eliot, go-go g-get a bag of bricks, right. Bricks, and you put it on the seat at the same time I roll off.

Eliot

That only works in the movies.

Bag of bricks is a good, sound plan!

It's, uh, a computer bomb, I—I know computers. Computer bomb, um…we, we gotta—we gotta reboot the system! Yeah.

Eliot

You want me to kick it?

God, I'm goin' to die.

Eliot

What's our margin for error here?

About half a second.

Eliot

Run the bag of bricks by me again.

Hey, Eliot, when you said you were gonna dive under that truck, you were gonna drag me with you, right?

Eliot

Sure.

I'm serious, man. Don't play with me. I'm serious.

What's your relationship?

Eliot

Why?

Second Act has a strict policy. Only family members can see patients. We want to make sure outside influences don't hamper our clients' recoveries.

Eliot

I think that's an excellent policy. I'm Tom's brother. Hi. Mark.

I'm-I'm with him.

So, you're a friend of…

No, no, I am—

I am with him. See, he thinks the flirting makes me jealous, but it doesn't. You know, but if you was, like, Brad Pitt or Denzel or somebody, oh, girl, it would be on, seriously.

Parker

[throws envelope on the table] This isn't for me. It's addressed to somebody named Alice White.

You are Alice White. It's one of the aliases I made for you: vegetarian, bookkeeper. She had a pretty wild time at her sister's wedding in Phoenix. You should check out her Facebook page.

Parker

Alice White has jury duty.

Damn, I am good.

Parker

Yeah, congratulations. Alice thanks you for getting her out of it.

No. No. Jury duty. A place where you have to follow instructions.

Sophie

Where you have to consider other people's point of view.

Eliot

There's gonna be normal people there, Nate.

No, no, no. You're not getting out of this. Alice White is reporting for jury duty.

Eliot

It's your turn to be in the dumpster.

No, man, no. I-I have-I have peanut allergies. What if somebody threw in some extra crunchy Skippy? Then, you know, it's just a [wheezing] all up in my vocal area, man. Do you want to give me mouth-to-mouth? No, none of us want that. Hell no.

Eliot

Heads up.

Sophie

Okay, today did not go well, but that's all right. You know, we learn when we fail. We're gonna-we're gonna go back to basics, and we're gonna do a little role-playing. Gonna start with-with persuasion techniques. So, Eliot has an apple. Alice has an orange.

Eliot

I love apples. Apples are my favorite fruit.

Parker

Good for you, sparky.

Eliot

I-I don't have to sit here and take this crap.

Sophie

Go on. Just do it for me.

Eliot

You have an orange, all right? Now, convince me that I want the orange, not the apple. I'm gonna take a bite. [slowly brings the apple to his mouth and takes a bite]

Parker

I put a razor blade in that apple.

Eliot

[He spits the bite of apple out] Are you serious?

Parker

Maybe. But do you know what doesn’t have a razor blade in it? This orange. [smells the orange] Don't you want it? [tosses the orange at Eliot and leaves]

Sophie

You fell for that?

Parker

Alice made a friend!

Eliot

I'm gonna tell you one more time. You made a friend. Not "Alice."

Parker

Oh. Cool! Well, think she'll want to go steal a painting with me?

Sophie

Start small, Parker. Try coffee.

Are we still unclear? I'm a functioning alcoholic, you know? And the trick is not to get hung up on the "alcoholic." But celebrate the "functioning" part of the sentence.

Eliot

You're getting worse.

This--this is messing you up, man.

Parker

[reading from a notepad] We can't keep watching you do this to yourself.

Is this my intervention?

Eliot

I'm sorry your wife gave me her phone number.

Don't want to talk about it.

Eliot

I-It was only to coordinate where we were gonna go anyway.

Not talking about it.

Eliot

I gotta be honest with you, there was a second I—

Sterling

[To Nate, over Parker's comm] Let's see how many birds we have in hand. You know this is Parker's. Now, Alec Hardison?

[Over Hardison's comm] Accounted for, Mr. Sterling. And we have the cash, too.

Sterling

Marvelous. Mr. Spencer?

Eliot

[Over the comm] Hey, Sterling. I got some dental work with your name on it. What do you say we hook up so I can give it to you?

Sterling

Seems that Mr. Quinn was not quite as effective as promised. Still, two birds in the hand are worth three in the bush.

Eliot

Nate, we're done here. Hardison!

Wait, Eliot. Eliot, come on.

Eliot

You've got to be kidding me, man.

Bring it out, come on.

Eliot

This is just weird.

I painted this.