Parker quotes from Leverage

Eliot

How about a little warning next time? How'd you even know I'd be there?

Parker

I didn't.

All right, Sophie, do not take the check.

Parker

What?!

Eliot

What?!

I’m sorry, what?

Now, don't tell me this makes you squeamish, 'cause it's all legal. I just found a...a loophole.

I said, "do not take the money."

Now, you tell him this.

Sophie

If what you're saying is you want to do real business, then I might have an opportunity for you, but it's for serious investors only. This is not something I would ever present to your brother.

Interesting.

Sophie

Hardison, where were you when it mattered? He asked me to tear up the check, so I tore up the check.

I didn't make the decision to throw away everybody else's money, okay? That was you and Nate.

Parker

Y'all are in cahoots.

We're going with a much bigger scam. One of the classics.

Parker

The "London Spank"?

The "Genevan Paso Doblé"?

Eliot

The "Apple Pie"?

Eliot

It's like The "Cherry Pie", but with lifeguards.

Sophie

[savoring the thought] Ooh.

[announcing the actual con they'll be doing] The "Glengarry Glen Death". It's like mutual fund, but instead of stocks, you invest in, in death. [Walks out to the balcony]

Parker

Is it me or is he getting creepier?

Can we give [Parker] a fake tumor?

Oh, we could inject her brain with some contrast dye and have it pool into her cranial cavity, but there might be some side effects.

Parker

Like what?

Organ failure, death, death-like symptoms.

Parker

I vote for Plan B.

Somebody find me a brain. [walks out]

Parker

Oh, yeah, he's definitely getting creepier.

Yeah, it's a little bigger than the other place, but [tosses keys to Wayne] I hope it'll do.

Parker

[to Hardison] Are you crying?

No. No. It's the Florida air. Pollen.

Parker

I did my job. You told me to get us into the penthouse.

Yeah, by following my plan, Parker.

Parker

What?

By getting us all in safely.

Parker

Did the elevator decapitate you? Did it decapitate you?

Parker

[throws envelope on the table] This isn't for me. It's addressed to somebody named Alice White.

You are Alice White. It's one of the aliases I made for you: vegetarian, bookkeeper. She had a pretty wild time at her sister's wedding in Phoenix. You should check out her Facebook page.

Parker

Alice White has jury duty.

Damn, I am good.

Parker

Yeah, congratulations. Alice thanks you for getting her out of it.

No. No. Jury duty. A place where you have to follow instructions.

Sophie

Where you have to consider other people's point of view.

Eliot

There's gonna be normal people there, Nate.

No, no, no. You're not getting out of this. Alice White is reporting for jury duty.

[whispering to Parker] I hope the rest of this case is this good. [laughs]

Parker

[whispering back] What'd you have for breakfast? You smell like gravy.

Parker

I think there's something dirty going on with this trial and the woman who lost her husband's gonna get hurt even worse, and that we should, um, you know, get involved.

Involved? What--what do you--

Parker

No, no, no. No, no, no. You don't understand. They had hidden cameras, and the lawyers had comms like our comms.

First, move! Second, nobody has our comms.

Parker, listen, there is not some evil conspiracy lurking behind the curtain of every routine civic activity.

I make our comms. Me. I make 'em. Ain't nobody got our comms, do what I do.

Now, what's happening is, you're on a boring jury trial. Okay? Now, could you... [Parker storms off] Parker! Just...

And this is Emily. She's the eldest, and her sister Anne. And little Charlotte, she's the baby of the family.

Parker

[Points to one picture] That one's really cute! [Points to another] What's wrong with that one? It looks like a dog in a baby suit.

Sophie

Okay, today did not go well, but that's all right. You know, we learn when we fail. We're gonna-we're gonna go back to basics, and we're gonna do a little role-playing. Gonna start with-with persuasion techniques. So, Eliot has an apple. Alice has an orange.

Eliot

I love apples. Apples are my favorite fruit.

Parker

Good for you, sparky.

Eliot

I-I don't have to sit here and take this crap.

Sophie

Go on. Just do it for me.

Eliot

You have an orange, all right? Now, convince me that I want the orange, not the apple. I'm gonna take a bite. [slowly brings the apple to his mouth and takes a bite]

Parker

I put a razor blade in that apple.

Eliot

[He spits the bite of apple out] Are you serious?

Parker

Maybe. But do you know what doesn’t have a razor blade in it? This orange. [smells the orange] Don't you want it? [tosses the orange at Eliot and leaves]

Sophie

You fell for that?

I'm starving!

Parker

Me too. I could kill for a steak.

I thought you were a vegetarian.

Parker

Oh, yeah. I meant a bean steak. A steak made out of beans, held together with soy glue.

Alice, we all cheat a little. I mean, I’m a nutritionist, and I spend all day teaching people to eat healthy. But if I have a bad day, I go home and plow into a tub of ice cream.

Parker

Wait! Wait a second. That was a secret. You just told me a secret, right? That's something friends do.

Well, I guess so. You're the nicest one here.

Parker

Really? I mean, thanks.

Parker

What are we supposed to do now?

We win the trial.

Wha—I'm sorry, the impossible trial? The trial that can't be won?

Yep. That one.