Hardison quotes from Leverage

What's going on?

Client meeting.

I can see that. I thought I pick the clients. Who is that crying?

Teresa Palermo. Her husband owed money to the mob, and he took the fall for a murder the boss committed. She's a friend of Sophie’s.

I see. Stick around, Hardison. We're gonna have a meeting later about how things work around here.

This is probably a bad time to talk about Christmas, huh?

Where did my daughter go?

I think she was with Parker.

Parker

Go!

Parker

Six seconds! Give it up! [they high-five] Good job.

Just take the mob out of it.

What? Take the mob out of it?

Hear me out. Isn't this just a breach of contract?

Eliot

These guys had a deal, right? And your boy, Ray, he lived up to his end, but Moscone didn't. And for that, there's not a court of law in this world this lady can go to.

Parker

Which is exactly the kind of case we take.

Oh, come on. I don't--why Teresa?

Sophie

I don't know. Well, her man's gone to jail for fifteen years, and she's waiting for him. For fifteen years. Do you have any idea how hard it is, to wait for someone?

Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay, let’s go rob Nicky Moscone, a guy who kills people and lives in our city. Yeah, let's do that.

…Oh, and then there's the FBI parked around the corner.

Parker

FBI? Where?

See that crappy van? Says "Plumber"?

Parker

Mm-hm.

Sophie

Did you say "plumber"? That's their cover? Aw, aw, that is so cute. It's like it's 1978 all over again.

Relax. We're with the bureau. Howdy. Special Agent Thomas. This is special agent Hagen. She's fresh out of Quantico. I'm showing her all the hot spots, you know. Uh-Huh. Oh, by the way, we got your memo. We're moving it up the chain.

What? Hey. G-great. Thanks. Well, come on in. Sorry about the heat, and the smell.

Sophie

Huh. How did he know that?

Oh, the field guys are always sending memos. They just need validation.

I wish I could give you a sample, but the bug we planted in Moscone's barbecue is pretty spotty.

The bug?

Yes, sir.

Singular?

Absolutely.

Good-good work. Good work.

All you have to do is rip them on my flash drive and run.

Eliot

I don't have to type anything, right?

No, just plug it in. It does the rest.

Eliot

All right, 'cause you know I just learned the Photoshop thing you told me.

I-I know. Baby steps.

Eliot

So I just plug it in.

Now, audio files, they can take a little while to run, but, uh, the servers are pretty loud, so that should give you some cover.

Eliot

It's tapes.

Wha-hold, wait. Did y-you just say "tapes"?

Eliot

I just said "tapes"!

Cassette tapes?

Eliot

Your little thing, it's not gonna work.

But at least you ain't got to type nothing.

Eliot

Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?

Punch somebody!

Eliot

[Threateningly] Oh, I'm gonna punch somebody.

Can you break the codes?

The codes? The codes to the Cayman Bank and Trust, where the Cali cartel and the African dictators keep all their dirty money? The ones that Moscone changes anytime he damn well pleases? Like, it's c-come on. Dude, are you kidding me?

You know, you're-you're very negative lately.

Eliot

Yeah.

And the sass, it doesn't-doesn't help.

I take it you've never been married.

Eliot

No.

Ever come close?

Eliot

No.

What was her name?

Eliot

There was this girl I grew up with. But anyway, she married somebody else, so...

Hot damn. What did you do?

Eliot

What did I do? I liberated Croatia.

Oh, see, now, me, I would have just got fat and started up a comic book shop. That's you and me right there.

I know that you're in charge of the bridesmaid dresses, but why are you wearing one?

Parker

A bridesmaid dress is like an all-access pass at a wedding. Plus, I kind of said something and the maid of honor cried, and Sophie said I should make it up to her.

Looking much, much better in the same dress? Yeah, you let me know how that goes.

Parker

You really think I look good?

[After setting the corsage] And now you're perfect.

Eliot

What is it? I've got bacon on.

Parker

The butcher is here.

Eliot

Does he have the baby lamb chops?

No, the Butcher of Kiev.

Think he'll recognize you?

I kill you!

Eliot

Yeah, I think he'd remember me.

Why are y'all looking at me? Okay, look, the guest list didn't raise any red flags with the feds.

Looks like Steve and Scott Miller arrived.

There sure are a lot of Millers at this wedding.

Sophie

I'm staying.

I'm sorry, you're...you're what?

Sophie

I'm staying.

You're staying? Sophie, Sophie, it's the Butcher of Kiev.

Have you ever been to Kiev? The cake-maker of Kiev would whoop all our asses. This is the Butcher.

It's about time. How did you get away from Sergei in the screening room?

Parker

I pretended I was drunk and that we were meeting down there to have sex.

This is pretty good, man.

Eliot

Thanks, man. I squeeze, like, fresh lemon juice on it.

Cool. Cool.