Hardison quotes from Leverage

Eliot

That was the worst night of my life.

Come on man, you've been in worse situations!

Eliot

No. No, that was the worst.

Parker

That's Saint Nicholas?

Yes.

Parker

Santa Claus has a church?

Eliot

[irritated] It's not Santa Claus!

Hardison, can you make the statue cry without melting Saint Nick's head?

Parker

Don't melt Santa!

It's not Santa!

I don't do gangs.

Eliot

Come on. We got some fresh air. Get off the computer.

I rappel.

Eliot

Come on!

Did no one see me rappel?

Sophie

Oh, I heard about it.

Eliot

You seeing this, Hardison?

Yeah, uh, the situation has my attention, yes.

Eliot

You see, this is why I don't like guns. They have a specific range of efficacy. You see, most guys will make one mistake. They get too close.

You got a number?

Eliot

Can you do something with that?

Seven digits? I can find you on Mars.

How about that, baby! You see me?

Eliot

He was injured!

Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche.

I'm not crazy about heights. Or enclosed spaces. [takes some pills]

Sophie

What is that you just took?

Xanax. For my nerves.

Parker

Actually, caffeine. With a dash of dextroamphetamine.

Eliot

You gave him speed?

He beat up a priest.

So the Catholic church defines a miracle as the work of God, usually through the prayers and intercessions of a saint, for some specific purpose, frequently the conversion of the unbelieving.

Eliot

How do you know all this stuff?

I went to school with Father Paul. To, uh...seminary school.

Eliot

So you dropped out of priest school to become an insurance cop. Now you're a leader of a band of thieves. Nice.

You're…you're a Catholic who wants to fake a miracle. I'm pretty sure that puts us in mortal sin territory.

Eliot

So wait, wait. Now you're religious too?

No, no, I'm not denominational. It's just, I never do anything my Nana says don't do.

As long as I don't have to do anything immoral.

No, absolutely not. No, I just need you to figure out how to…fake a miracle.

We all goin' to hell.

Eliot

What are you, 10 feet from there? How can you miss that? You’re standing right here.

Everybody can't be Eliot.

Eliot

Unbelievable.

Shut up. Shut up.

Parker

Whoa. That’s a lot of public.

I’m very good.

Eliot

Yeah. A little too good.

Sophie

What did we just do?

The weeping statue of St. Nick is on YouTube.

Eliot

Good. This church will never shut down.

Sophie

There’s just so many people here. I mean, what if they find out it's a...fake?

Hell fire, damnation, et cetera. You know what? I’m gonna step over here, so when the good lord throws down on all of y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.

Parker

Wasn’t Zeus the one with the lightning?

We can use this. Just give me a second. I need to—

Apostolic visitation…

Come again?

It's the Vatican.

You know, I had to retask two satellites just to get a lousy internet connection. Took more than an hour to torrent the last episode of Doctor Who.

Parker

Hey! Illegal downloading's wrong. [lights the contents of a trash can on fire]

Get out. Now.

Is he talking to us?

Parker

An unmarked van parked across the street from a bank that's being robbed? Yeah. I think he's talking to us.

Yeah, well, five more feet and he would have been in the clear. What the hell was he thinking?

Parker

Don't be an idiot, Hardison.

What?

Parker

Sophie was still in there.

Parker

It's embarrassing. Everyone knows you don't rob a bank without an exit strategy. These two deserve to get caught. 42 seconds.

What?

Parker

To rob this bank. One security guard who has never fired his gun before, two closed-circuit cameras outside, one inside, and a Glen-Reader safe built in the 50's whose default combination is the birth date of the manager's wife! Get in, get out, 42 seconds.

Seriously?