Hardison quotes from Leverage

Yeah, you seem pretty relaxed for a guy with a gun pointed at him.

Eliot

[looks at Hardison] Safety’s on.

Like I’m gonna fall for that.

No, no, actually he’s right, the safety is on.

Why would Dubenich lie to us?

Cause you’re thieves. If he hired you for a straight up crime, you’d know he was a bad guy like you, you’d be suspicious. This way you just saw another citizen in over his head, and that’s why you didn’t see the double cross coming.

Parker

Why didn’t you see it coming?

Because I’m not a thief.

Eliot

You know what, maybe that was the problem. If you--

Eliot

You want to run a game on this guy? You?

Well, yeah. How do you think I got most of my stolen merchandise back? I mean, this guy, he's greedy, thinks he's smart; he's the best kind of mark.

Parker

He does think he got rid of us.

Element of surprise.

Eliot

What's in it for me?

Payback. And if it goes right, a lot of money.

Parker

And what's in it for me?

A lot of money. And if it goes right, payback. Hardison?

I, I was just going to send a thousand porno magazines to his office, but hell yeah, let's kick him up!

Eliot

[to Nate] What's in it for you?

…He used my son.

All right, let's go get Sophie.

Eliot

What the hell's a Sophie?

She's awful.

Parker

Is she injured? In the head?

Eliot

Seriously, man, she is the worst actress I've ever seen.

This is not her stage.

I know when you sent Dubenich his designs you weren’t supposed to make any copies.

No, I promise. That would be very wrong.

Show me your copies.

Eliot

It’s an airplane.

It’s a short alt domestic airliner, yeah, usually one-hour flights. It’s the fastest growing segment of the industry, very fuel efficient. High tech. Very nice carbon nose, it’s got the titanium wrap. 3 to 1. (Everyone stares at him) You know, you pick up things here and there.

You pick up a lot of stuff.

Here comes a mountain of suck. [Two seconds later, surprised] She's not awful.

This is her stage. Sophie Devereaux is the finest actress you've ever seen…when she's breaking the law.

Yeah, this is Victor Dubenich’s office, my computer just completely crashed.

Parker

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Did you try turning it on and off again?

Yes, nothing seems to be working.

That’s a computer thing. I told her to say that.

Well done.

I'm just very good at what I do.

Parker

This is the score! This is the score!

Age of the geek, baby.

Eliot

Somebody kiss this man so I don't have to!

Eliot

Yeah. One show only. No encores.

Parker

I already forgot your names.

You know I never had that cool a time on a job.

It’s a walkaway.

And I got focus issues brother, you kept me right on.

Parker

I’m really good at one thing—

Parker.

Parker

…only one thing that’s it, but you, you know other things and-and I can’t stop doing my one thing, can’t retire…

Eliot

You want to know what I think?

Not really.

Eliot

How long until you fall apart again?

Oh, I’m touched.

Eliot

Well, a guy like you can’t be out of the game, that’s why you were a wreck, you need the chase.

Yeah, I’ll manage.

Parker

What is this?

This is our new cover story. Welcome to Leverage Consulting and Associates, founded in 1913 by the great Harland Leverage the Third.

Sophie

I’m sorry. Nate is going to kill you.

Eliot

Did you paint that?

I’m gifted.

Eliot

That’s weird.

Long version or the short version?

Sophie

Short.

Eliot

Short version

Parker

Shortest.

Photo and video forensics programs, back doors into every electronic banking system in the world, running heuristic datacrawlers all over the news sites to find our clients. Oh, also—

Parker

This is the short version?

I gotta go back to the office, I just remembered something.

Parker

What?

I just remembered gravity. And the squishiness of all my manly bits.

Parker

I designed this rig myself. The line is carbon fiber. Five point harness. Weight support here, here, and here. Auto-breaking resistance on the main pulley back here.

Okay, cool, so it’s tested?

Parker

Not yet.

Not yet? When the hell was you gonna test it?

Parker

Big baby.

Seriously? Seriously?

You’re not poaching, are you? Appropriations Bill 718, those are our defense contracts, don’t even bother.

Sophie

Mr. DuFort, surely there’s enough war to go around.

I rather like you.

Hardison, Hardison what’s this, what’s this bill they’re talking about?

You know, I’d like to give you the Schoolhouse Rock but this man has an RFID security card reader on his power supply so I’m a little bit busy.

Sophie

My company's focused on meeting Senators, but, um, I'm thinking Congressmen.

You know the great thing about Congressmen? Fifty, a hundred grand well spent will get one elected, but then once they’re in, the incumbency rate is over 95 percent! So you can get an average 18, 20 years’ use out of one of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one of the best investments a corporation can make.

[listening in on comms] Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.