Captain Cragen quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Uh, there's 2 "R"s in "hemorrhoids."

Cassidy

I'm a desk jockey. What do you want from me?

Munch

More specifically, he's mad at you.

Stabler

Which is why we thought you'd have better luck with him.

Benson

Yeah, I mean you're smart and God knows you're patient.

I am not a homosexual.

Munch

Okay.

Part of my job was to keep an eye on Seth. Mr. Langdon is seriously eyeing a run for a congressional seat. But the scandal of having an openly homosexual son- well, look at the damage a lesbian sister caused Newt.

Munch

Actually, she was a half-sister.

She may have been a half-sister, but unfortunately for Newt, she was all lesbian.

Munch

You don't think Newt's problems had anything to do with his ethics violations or him being a pedantic megalomaniac who espouses family values while serving his cancer-stricken wife with divorce papers while she's on her hospital deathbed? Did that ever occur to you?

Anybody know where Cassidy is?

Cassidy

For a 50 year old, this guy had a lot of energy.

What's that supposed to imply?

Cassidy

Oh, nothing. I'm sure you and John have just as much.

Let her go.

Stabler

Why?

Because her attorney said we have to.

All right. I'm asking.

Stabler

All right. We're gonna talk to some of the detectives who originally investigated.

Munch, that okay with you?

Munch

Sure, it'd be like visiting the Special Victims Unit alumni association. All the people that used to sit at these desks. Where are they now?

[about going after a political dynasty] I hope to God we're right on this.

I hear Logan's learning to love Staten Island.

[looks at a line-up] #3.

Are you sure?

Yeah. It was dark, but it wasn't that dark. I'd remember him 'til the day I die. That face, those glasses…

Stabler

It's not an audition, Ms. Katish, just, are you sure?

All right. How's this? And the winner is, #3!

How could you give the defense that kind of ammunition in writing? I asked you...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I put a little sticky on your desk by his DD5, that's all.

Stabler

Well, what was on this bombshell sticky?

"Retarded," and a question mark.

Okay. How about this? He entered into an improper relationship with a minor.

Stabler

You just said no real sex. According to her story.

He doesn't know that. He doesn't know what she told us.

Stabler

Oh. Now, Captain. You're not suggesting we lie to the poor man, are ya?

Absolutely not. Role-playing. Fantasy. Make-believe. That crap he's been peddling to us about victimless crimes.

[after the FBI has interfered with SVU's investigation] Don't you ever bad-mouth my people in their own station house.

Better get used to it. 'Cause when I tell Langley how an operation that involved 9 regional bureaus got blown, your name is gonna be prominently featured.

It's spelled C-R-A-G-E-N. And we were doing what we always do, which is to take pedophiles off the street!

4 collars, at the expense of hundreds more, who, right now, are getting e-mail telling them the cops are on 'em.

It's a hell of a lot more than you did for us!

It was an undercover OPERATION!!

You were in my city investigating sex crimes, and you didn't seem fit to give me a heads-up?!

We're dealing with virtual world, which is everywhere and nowhere!

But eventually, you gotta put real-life cuffs on a real-life perp!

It's not just you! We were in Los Angeles and Chicago and dozens of other places! It's for the right reason. We wanted to bring in the big predators.

That's why the bad guys were runnin' rings around us.

Why?

Because they're workin' together, and we're not.

My client can't do a line-up right now.

He can rest between the IDs.

Okay, but he wants to be first in line.

You want to be number one, Sal?

Yeah.

What, is that your lucky number?

As a matter of fact, it is.

Okay, number one it is. Good luck.

Captain Cragen!

Miss Cabot?

Alex.

Yeah. Right. Of course.

Let's not start off on the wrong foot. My assignment to SVU preceded the "behavior problems" under you command.

Behavioral problems?

I'm trying to be polite.

Tip-toeing around the road kill?

Where there's smoke...

Who do you sleep with, Ms. Cabot? Are you so new at this that you haven't run into somebody you wanted skip due process with? I'll apprise you ASAP, if ASAP can be tomorrow. You understand, I have "behavioral problems".

Stabler

You're protecting your win-loss ratio.

Elliot.

It's okay, Captain. Detective Stabler's judgment is clouded by the stress of the Morris Commission's review and the fact that Michael did what he fantasizes about: kill a perpetrator.

It's not my fantasy and I stand with Detective Stabler on this.

[about the victim, Nafeesa Amir] What, it's her fault she was raped?

Benson

She brought shame and dishonor to her family. They behead women for that where she comes from.

Munch

My first wife dishonored me. I had to pay her alimony.

[about Cleary] We couldn't keep him. Not our fault.

Stabler

Wanna tell the victim that?