John Munch quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Have you ever experienced any sexual dysfunction since taking this job? And I'd appreciate a serious answer.

Munch

Once.

Thank you. When did that happen?

Munch

Not sure, but it was definitely within the last 10 minutes.

You want me to secure a search warrant for the offices of a defense contractor to search classified, national security files for evidence in a sexually motivated homicide?

Munch

Is that a problem?

[sighs, picks up the phone and dials] Judge Hermann, please. [pause] This is Alex Cabot with the D.A's office. [pause] Uncle Bill... look, I need a favor.

Munch

Reevaluation stinks.

Jeffries

Truly. Best crime stats in 30 years and they're reevaluating?

Munch

It's how it works. We get rid of the criminals they fear, they start fearing us. Public hates tough cops 'til they need one.

[about the victim, Nafeesa Amir] What, it's her fault she was raped?

Benson

She brought shame and dishonor to her family. They behead women for that where she comes from.

Munch

My first wife dishonored me. I had to pay her alimony.

Munch

Hi Jennifer, I'm Detective Munch.

That’s a funny name, Munch.

Munch

You think that’s funny? I guess if I ever have kids I'll have to call them "munchkins".

Olivia

How did you know?

Munch

We searched her house, I looked at that four-year-old, flashed on a little girl that used to live across the street from us in our old neighborhood on the Lower East Side. She had that same look in her eyes.

Olivia

What look?

Munch

Sad, lost. She used to stand on her porch every afternoon when I came home from school. Like she was waiting for me. Sometimes, she'd have a black eye or a bloody lip. Never said anything to me. Just looked at me like she was trying to tell me something. But I was too full of my own teenage crap to pay any attention. One day, I came home. She wasn't there. Found out her mother threw her through a plate glass window. Went to the funeral. Saw her dad. It's the first time I saw a grown man cry.

Benson

What happened to her mother?

Munch

They sent her to a sanitarium. She told my mother she didn't understand what all the fuss was about. She was the one that had to get a new window. Months later, I'd come home and I'd look up at the porch. I swear, I saw that little girl standing there, looking at me with that look. I almost let her down again.

Munch

Carrying a concealed weapon is a felony.

I don't. I leave it at home so the appliances can defend themselves.

Munch

Perhaps you'd be more comfortable with a female detective.

I'd be happy to talk to anyone with a brain.

Munch

There are 5 stages of grief. Don't go through them all at once.

Munch

All you've proven here today is that women are still chattel.

Only if they want to be.

Munch

There should be a special level of Hell for this pus-sucking, gangrenous, malignancy of a mental amoeba!

Somebody steal your parking space again?

Munch

Explain to me how shmoes like us spend every night at home alone watching the History Channel while a scum like Ramsay has this nice girl's complete devotion? She's so convinced.

Well, if there is any karma, Ramsay won't be doing much sitting down in Rikers.

Fin

Talking in Greek. You're full of surprises.

Munch

If I don't keep some mystery, you might grow bored and stop loving me.

You sons of bitches. You said I wouldn't have to take a needle.

Munch

Yeah, well, we lied.

Munch

You must have some innermost secret.

Fin

I'm a Republican.

How goes it, Elliot?

Munch

Hey! I made that! 19 hours ago, mind you, but still, a little tact.

Stabler

[looks at an empty can] Hey, Munch, why do you do this? You always do this. [to the captain] He puts the lid back on an empty can!

Munch

It's just my way.