John Munch quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Munch

[as Fin applies eye drops to his eyes] Can I have some of that?

Fin

No.

Munch

Please?

Fin

No.

Munch

Come on!

Fin

Can't share eye drops. That's how you get pinkeye.

Stabler

Just give him the eye drops, will you?

[pointing at Munch] Who's that?

Fin

That's my Jew.

Munch

Shalom.

Munch

Your Jew? Your Jew? What if I called you "my boy"?

Fin

I'll be your boy, John.

Fin

I am not staying in here with all these cancer-causing particles flying around.

Munch

Stop worrying. As an African-American you're statistically far more likely to die of diabetes, high blood pressure, or heart disease.

Fin

Or a bullet.

Fin

Even Aunt Mary thinks he's a hero.

Munch

Yeah, well Aunt Mary is a few tea bags shy of a full pot.

Fin

3 marriages, no children. You ever consider adopting?

Munch

The kindest thing I could ever do for a kid is not adopt.

Fin

It's over, your highness.

You ain't got nothin' on me.

Munch

Just takin' a bite outta crime.

Benson

Just like you took a bite outta Rodney Thompson's arm.

Stabler

You left your DNA. Thought you were smarter than that.

Fin

Why do we always get stuck looking for the needle in the haystack?

Munch

Takes me back to the Easter egg hunts of my youth.

Fin

You're Jewish. Your parents hid eggs?

Munch

My point exactly. All those hours of futile searching.

Who died?

Stabler

Dorothy Rudd.

Please tell me you're kidding.

Munch

Just got a call from Rikers. Massive heart attack.

Fin

Bitch didn't even suffer.

Anybody else feel cheated?

Benson

Prosecution abated by death. Sucks.

Stabler

That's it. No vindication, nobody pays.

Fin

[about Amelia] Her secretary said she should be done by now. These day traders live pretty good; short hours, spa days. What the hell is she doing in there?

Munch

Beauty treatments take time; mud baths, silica dissapation, exfoliating facial. Time and money ... some women learn early how to waste both.

Fin

Your ex-wives made you bitter.

Munch

Not bitter, just resigned.

Dr. Huang

Most species aren't naturally monogamous.

Munch

That explains my marital history.

Fin

I can't wait to hear this.

Munch

Your sympathy is overwhelming.

Benson

What happened to you?

Munch

Skydiving, hard landing.

Stabler

He wiped out riding his friend's Harley.

Now the only thing he'll be riding is a desk.

Munch

Tell me again how my partner failed to get his weapon re-certification?

Benson

He choked!

Fin

I didn't choke!

Benson

Okay. You got poor marks for shooting off your gun early.

Munch

It happens to everybody. You know, they have a pill for that now.

Dr. Huang

He may believe he's in a relationship that doesn't even exist.

Munch

Sounds like me with my 4 ex-wives.

Munch

Captain, you got a second?

What's up, John?

Munch

Bad timing. I got jury duty in an hour.

And you're just telling me now? Get your ass down there. It's your civic duty, John. The Mayor can do it, so can you.

Munch

[after observing the victim who has Alzheimer's] Sad. When this steel trap starts to rust, call Kevorkian.

Fin

Consider that done.