John Munch quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Munch

[testifying against a doctor] Miss Webber was told to disrobe, put her feet up in stirrups, and try to picture David Hasselhoff on "Baywatch."

Objection! Your Honor, this witness is not qualified to testify on the treatment for hysteria.

Munch

Actually, sir, I am. Up until 1952, hysteria was one of the most commonly diagnosed illnesses among women. The medical treatment was hysterical paroxysm.

Could the witness spell that?

Munch

O-R-G-A-S-M.

Objection! Would it surprise you to learn that, historically, the onus fell upon physicians to bring about relief of these ladies' symptoms?

Your Honor, please instruct counsel to withhold his questions until cross.

Munch

[to the judge] I don't mind, Your Honor. [to ADA] In fact, I believe the manual version of this treatment dates back to Hippocrates, and was attested to right up through the Middle Ages, up into the 1890s, when the vibrator was invented to speed things along.

Objection!

Jeffries

Jerkwad, have some respect for the victim.

Munch

Hey, I respect hookers. At least they earn their money up front, unlike ex-wives, who get you with that lucrative back-end deal.

Jeffries

Oh, so you're saying all women are whores?

Munch

Don't be ridiculous. I don't know all the women in the world.

Children!

Munch

His wanderlust is one adverb short of Robert James Waller.

Jeffries

"The Bridges of Madison County."

Cassidy

That was incredible.

Munch

How about incredibly banal? Short and muscular sentences displaying total absence of original thinking.

Cassidy

I was talking about the movie.

Munch

Unnerving, isn't it? That such a degrading death could overshadow such a remarkable life?

Cassidy

It's like Rockefeller dying on top of his mistress.

Munch

It's still my preferred way to go.

Benson

Virginia, Detectives Munch and Cassidy are going to take you home.

[to Munch] Can I drive?

Munch

Since you're probably as old as my partner, I don't see why not.

Munch

It's true a good Mrs. Robinson's hard to find, but women maturing faster than men? Conspiracy. The government's been covering up the harmful side-effects of RBGH, a hormone that farmers are using to produce more milk.

Cassidy

Like McGwire taking Creatine to bulk up, right?

Munch

The farmers don't take the hormones, Cassidy. The cows do.

Jeffries

So is there anything you just...accept?

Munch

Yeah. Compliments.

Jeffries

No wonder you're so skeptical.

Munch

So you and Jean studied French literature?

Yeah, why?

Munch

Well, I mean, "Communications," "Basics of Broadcasting..." But Rimbaud?

Sure. I know that "First Blood" speaks of the existential angst of being jerked around by forces beyond your control.

Cassidy

...What did he say?

Munch

What a wonderful job he thinks the police are doing.

Jeffries

Cougar and Mosley's little swimmers were shipshape.

Munch

No kidding.

Jeffries

Yeah- remember when, John?

Munch

I could say the same thing to you, babe.

Cassidy

You ever think about having kids?

Munch

Why, when I have you?

Munch

When I was a little kid, my parents told me never to eat sweets.

So as an adult you overcompensate?

Munch

Yeah.

Cassidy

I'm guessing your parents also said you should never get married.

Cassidy

Yeah, go ahead. Rain on my parade.

Munch

I don't just want to rain on your parade. I want to blow up all the floats.

Munch

Does this turn you on?

What do you want?

Munch

Isn't it a little dangerous for you to be around all these helpless doughnuts?

Munch

Guys, check this out. Teddy Kennedy lands in the water at Chappaquiddick on July 18th. Neil Armstrong lands on the moon July 20th. Think about that.

Jeffries

And?

Munch

You don't find that amazing?

Jeffries

Nope.

Stabler

You're learning, Jeffries.

Munch

Poor guy.

Benson

Poor guy?

Munch

Imagine trying to score smack in a place called Moosonee. Must've been hell. Easier to cop yak turds.

Cassidy

I don't get S&M. I mean, "Hurt me, that turns me on?" Come on, what's up with that?

Munch

It starts with the tattoos. Once you get the ink, it's just a matter of time before you're begging to be tied up and spanked.

Cassidy

Yeah, tattoos are just the gateway to the sexual dark side, my friend.

Stabler

You guys have finally figured me out, huh?

Jeffries

Seriously. Did you get off on the tiny little pinpricks of pain?

Stabler

No, I get that from working with you.