Elliot Stabler quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Stabler

Who called you in?

Devere

Ralph Walker. Apparently, he saw me on television.

Stabler

And what, dialed 1-800-Weasel?

Officer, take the respondent into custody. We're adjourned. [slams gavel]

Stabler

The only one going into custody is you. [flashes his badge]

What the hell is this?

The end of a nightmare for hundreds of kids.

Stabler

Now, what part of "Stay 500 feet away from her" do you not understand?

I was walking to the store. We bumped into each other.

Benson

Oh, I'll say. Your foot bumped into her dog repeatedly.

That mangy sewer rat attacked me! [puts his foot on the table and pulls up his pant leg]

Stabler

Mr. Brunsen...

Look at this! Pants ruined.

Stabler

Calm down, Mr. Brunsen...

Stabler

Loot at this: bite marks! I should be in the hospital getting checked for rabies!

Benson

I seriously doubt you gave the dog rabies.

Stabler

You a member of NAMBLA?

I'm no homo. I like boys and girls. They're pretty much the same at that age - no grass on the field.

Stabler

Roy, you've got two feet in the grave. It's time to make this right for everybody. Go out with a clean conscience.

Confess my sins? I've already done that, every last one. I've been atoning for the last 23 years.

Stabler

Where are Marshall's remains?

See? Your trouble is I'm not afraid of hell. I'm lookin' forward to it - all those unchristened babies.

Stabler

That's limbo. Different place.

Benson

Where's Alex Cabot?

Training in Albany. When she's finished, she'll take my spot in Appeals.

Stabler

Appeals? Well, no disrespect, but we do things a little differently down here in New York City.

Oh really? I was trying homicides when you were fresh out of the academy, walking a beat, and trying not to piss yourself.

Executive ADA Paxton got the first capital conviction when Pataki brought back the death penalty.

That's right, so when I say stop playing fast and loose with defendants' rights, that's what you'll do, or you won't be working here.

That is the commissioner's decision, Sonya, not yours.

That's where you're wrong, Don. There have been far too many overturned convictions - especially in the 'he-said she-said' unit. So, McCoy sent me here to clean the house. Oh, and 1PP thinks it's a really swell idea, so why don't you walk me through it?

I thought there were no open rape cases matching this M.O.

Stabler

There aren't. Maybe the victims didn't report it. My gut is telling me that he's done it before.

Or maybe it's your acid reflux.

53 convictions have been overturned in the state, Don. Even 1 is too many.

Benson

Those men were exonerated through DNA. There's a difference.

Falsely imprisoned for decades, I might add, because detectives didn't do their jobs in the first place.

Stabler

Well that isn't the case here, Miss Paxton. Tate's guilty.

Really? Oh. Well that's great then. You don't mind calling me after you re-interview Katie Harris, and show her a sequential photo array.

Yes, I helped her financially, but I was a lot more than her sugar daddy. I loved Emily.

Stabler

Oh God, here we go.

I took her her to museums. I encouraged her to go to college. I tried to broaden her horizons.

Stabler

[to Benson] Detective, how many times have we heard that song?

Benson

"The Ballad of Loving John"? At least once a week.

Stabler

I don’t work for you.

I’m not gonna watch you brutalize a prisoner in custody.

Stabler

I didn’t lay a finger on him.

Oh, really? Could've fooled me.

Stabler

I was transferring him to central booking.

Well, under the circumstances, that’s not appropriate.

Stabler

It’s my case!

No. You’re not the case, detective. You’re the victim! [Stabler looks offended] I'm sorry. Does that word offend you? Big strong Elliot Stabler can’t be anyone’s victim, right?

Stabler

You don’t know me.

Trust me. I read your file.

Stabler

You wanna know something? You’ve had a hard-on for me since the day you walked into this squad.

No, hon, not at all. I got problems with anybody who doesn’t play by the rules.

Stabler

No. Your rules! You act like the law's Holy Scripture. You don't give a damn about the law. You want control. You don't know me. You know me? I know you. I see perps like you walking here everyday of the week. They gotta have control. The whole world falls apart, but inside they're scared, weak, damaged--

Where the hell have you been?

Stabler

The hall. I wanna drop the charges.

Don't be a wuss, Stabler. You took a bad trip in your own head, and now what? You feel sorry for Donovan? Well, that's your problem. Mine is convicting a would-be cop killer, who thinks doing a little time gives him the right to whack the first cop who looks at him cross-eyed.

Stabler

It's not that simple.

Actually, it is. If Donovan walks it's open season on law enforcement, for any perp that did a day in the hall.

Stabler

Look, you don't have to set him a precedent. Just cut him a deal.

If I plea-bargain Donovan, he's out in 5 years, and then what? Does he run down the cop who pulls him over for speeding? I won't take that chance.

Stabler

I'll report you for assault. The DA will suspend you.

Go ahead. [pauses and then smiles] Thought so. You may have lost your balls in lock-up, but I still got mine.

Ugh! Cut the crap! Jeez!

Stabler

Need somethin', Sonya?

Yeah. For him to admit he killed and raped Audrey Hale. [to Stabler and Benson] I got tired of watching you 2 play patty cake. Sorry.

Dalton

How can I admit something I don't remember? Look, I had a history of blackouts in my drinking days. One time, I woke up in a hotel room in Phoenix. I had no clue how I got there.

[mocks] "The liquor made me do it! My partner made me do it!"

Dalton

He did! He admitted it!

Please. It's not like he slipped you a Mickey. And he's not the one who killed Audrey. You are. You lured her to your place, found out what she did for a living, and then you killed her in a drunken rage.

Dalton

I'm not even anti-abortion!

Okay. So, her profession was just a fluke. Then why did you kill her?

Dalton

I don't know! I swear, I have no memory of what happened that night.

Fine. Maybe this will jog your memory.

Dalton

That's me.

Yeah.

Dalton

You can't show that to a jury, can you?

No. Not with your likeness. But everything else. I made this one just for you.

Dalton

I wanna talk to a lawyer.

I still don't understand what I did wrong.

Fin

I'm throwin' you in a cage full of pedophiles. See if they can help you figure it out.

I've never seen that kid before in my life.

Pictures don't lie. We got him sitting on your lap.

I don't have anybody to watch my shop.

Benson

That's the least of your problems, baby raper. [she shuts the cell] Bet you didn't think NYPD would be hosting this year's Our Special Love convention.

Stabler

Hey, all you vermin! You can thank your leader, Kevin O'Donnell, for keeping such meticulous records. Enjoy, Kevin.

You can't leave me in here! [Benson shuts the cell] I want my lawyer.

Benson

She'll meet you in arraignment, tomorrow.

Munch

[bringing in coffee] Breakfast of champions is served.

Stabler

Anyone ever tell you you're a god?

Munch

Partake of the nectar of the gods now, bow to me later.

Stabler

Why is Terri being paid $61,000 a year by a company that only exists on paper?

Munch

Not a company - The Company.

Stabler

You look terrible!

Benson

Stop with the sweet talk…