Elliot Stabler quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Nice ink on your arm. How many men in your platoon got heatstroke and broken bones trying to earn that tattoo? You were pushed as far as you could go so you would bond as a unit. That's what a fraternity is all about.

Stabler

Rob Sweeney doesn't give a damn about "bond".

You've come to beat me again. I am not afraid of you.

Fin

You should be afraid of her.

What can a woman do? Claw my eyes out?

Deport you. Your passport's been revoked.

Benson

Meet Nigerian Under Consul Kema Mabuda.

I have a few friends home in Nigeria. Perhaps it is time I paid 'em a visit.

Have them visit you, at Kirikiri Prison, while you await your execution.

Benson

They use a firing squad there, right?

Fin

Yeah. And the warden thinks that's too easy, so he ties you to a pole in boilin' sun, then he has his firing squad start on your ankles and work their way up real slow.

Stabler

How soon can we get him on a plane?

[scared] If I tell you what you want to know...?

[nods] I'll ask for leniency.

There's a truck arriving tonight.

Benson

What's your name?

Screw you!

Benson

Screw You, you're under arrest for attempted rape until we nail you for the other 11.

Prove it.

Stabler

[to a witness] Does he look familiar to you?

[looks at the suspect] That's him. That's the bastard who tried to rape me!

Benson

See, Screw You? Wasn't that easy?

Stabler

Aidan, your father was also Shannon's father.

Shannon's not my sister.

Stabler

Our DNA tests prove she is.

How can you know this?

Stabler

Because Shannon was pregnant, and we tested the fetus's genes.

The fetus? Oh, God.

Stabler

Aidan, listen to me. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.

No. No. She was my sister?! [sobs] I had sex with my sister?! [retches]

Novak

Bringing up Adam with paranoid fears isn't against the law. I mean, you can raise your kid to be a racist so long as it doesn't cause harm.

Stabler

Well, there's your difference, right there. This is like vehicular homicide: Adam is the car, Marilyn's behind that wheel. Her paranoia drove his actions.

Stabler

What about that autistic kid in Milwaukee last year? Parishioners held him down. They were laying on top of him to cure him.

Benson

That could explain the ring mark. (she walks around behind Cragen and wraps her arms around him to demonstrate) Someone holds Jamie, he struggles, they hold him tighter.

[breathless) Until he can't breathe. Thank you, I enjoyed that.

Dr. Huang

I looked at the autopsy photos of the first 3 victims. [Tosses rope to Stabler] Strangle me?

Stabler

[grinning] I'll try.

Dr. Huang

[hastily reaches for the rope] I'll hold the rope.

$3,000 worth of damage to the car?

Stabler

What can I tell you? I zigged when I should have zagged.

Stabler

King Solomon said, "Bring me a sword. Divide the living child in 2. Give half to one mother, half to the other."

Novak

Except I can't split the baby.

Stabler

Solomon didn't have to.

We use to raid sweatshops every week for making phony handbags, designer jeans, even T- shirts, but since 9/11, we put all our manpower into DVDs.

Benson

Boot-leg movies pose a threat to national security?

When al-Qaeda’s selling them. Interpol raided a sleeper cell found 20,000 copies of The Lion King. Cheap to make, the profit margin’s higher then drugs and a hell of a lot less risky.

Stabler

Using Mickey Mouse to fund terrorist attacks on America. What next?

Humphrey

Why, detective, is that your phone vibrating, or do you just find me terribly exciting?

Stabler

911 from the wife.

Benson

I talked to Novak. He gives us her location, she'll take the death penalty off the table.

Stabler

Oh, I don't know. You know how I hate letting these kids get away with that kinda thing. Okay. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Humphrey

[suspiciously] Oh, no "I love you" this time? It rings one more time, and we're DONE!! AS IS JEANETTE!!

I had such high hopes for him.

Humphrey

[sarcastically] Well, it was nice visiting.

He was supposed to grow up to be somebody.

Humphrey

I'm sitting right here.

In a police station! Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is for me?!

Humphrey

I did this for you, Ida. I'm finally going to be famous, just like you always wanted. Happy now?

You were never anything but trouble!

Dr. Huang

He was a difficult child?

You can't imagine.

Humphrey

Shut up, Ida!

I couldn't take him anywhere! Not even my movies!

Humphrey

Shut up.

Soon as the lights went down, he'd throw a tantrum!

Humphrey

Stop it!

Stabler

He was afraid of the dark?

He was a crybaby!

Humphrey

STOP IT!

He'd cry like a baby till they'd ask us to leave.

Humphrey

Oh, you sure in hell figured out a way to see 'em!

Dr. Huang

How did you manage that, Ida?

Humphrey

NEVER MIND!

Stabler

I'd like to know.

What else could I do? I had to leave him at home.

Stabler

Alone?

I made sure that he couldn't get in trouble.

Humphrey

Shut up, Ida!

Stabler

That's why you took the doors off. She locked you in the closet.

Well, you know, he might have hurt himself running around the house.

Humphrey

THAT'S ENOUGH!!

And it was only for two hours. But he'd get so worked up, he'd soil himself.

Humphrey

[breaking down] Shut up! Please! Shut up! Don't you ever shut up?! DON'T YOU EVER SHUT UP?! [lunging at her, Humphrey is restrained by Stabler] I'll kill you, you bitch! You bitch!

You see how he treats his mother?!

Stabler

You know Tandi's face was on the TV and newspaper all weekend long. How come you didn't report seeing her?

I guess I just didn't put 2 and 2 together.

Stabler

Yeah, I could see where that would be a problem for you.

Stabler

Do you think you could recognize her again?

Sure could. [Elliot pulls a picture out and shows it to him] That's her.

Stabler

You've been very helpful, Thank you. [walks outside where Olivia is on her phone with Fin]

Benson

Fin, it's Liv. Look, can you check with the lab for food wrapper and soda cans found at the scene? Yeah, great, thanks. [hangs up the phone]

Stabler

Don't get your hopes up.

Benson

He didn't recognize Tandi's photo?

Stabler

He recognized my daughter Kathleen.

I've known Tandi since she was 8. I watched that girl grow up. I supported her family when her father was sick. I've loved her like a daughter and to suggest that I might harm her is disgusting.

Stabler

I'm touched.