Elliot Stabler quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Tough gig. Gotta love it, though.

Stabler

No, you gotta hate it. That's the only way you'll be any good at it.

Stabler

You call beating the crap out of her intense? Huh? You little prick. You did this to her.

Yes, I did do this, but she wanted me to.

Benson

No! No woman wants this!

Carmen did! This was her thing!

Benson

So you beat and rape her because it was "her thing"?

Munch

Both parole officers claim they're squeaky clean.

Stabler

Squeaky clean sex offender, now that's a new one.

Stabler

Billings is a sleazebag who turns women into little girls.

He makes a mockery of the law. Jurisprudence has to evolve with the technology.

This is gonna be a great fight, Alex. I'm glad I taught you so well.

You also taught me res ipsa loquitur: "The thing speaks for itself." If it looks like kiddie porn and smells like kiddie porn, it is kiddie porn.

Maybe it's you who should evolve with technology, Alex. There was no kid in the kiddie porn.

Benson

Your one night as a bachelor, and you went grocery shopping? That's pretty pathetic.

Stabler

It was a grocery store with strippers.

Stabler

Ray, I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Stabler

You’re good. You got your own mother to alibi you, and, to tell you the truth, we believed her.

Benson

She’s a bigger sociopath than you.

Everyone assumes she did something awful to me, but she didn’t.

Stabler

You’re a liar.

She never abused me once.

Stabler

You’re a liar.

Not physically, not psychologically...

Stabler

You’re a liar! That woman did something terrible to you, boy.

I wish. Poor old thing. She got hate mail, death threats. People spit on her in the street. But she stuck it out there, just to see me. Now that’s love.

Benson

No, that’s denial. You think that your mother can't be broken? You think you're in total control of her? You just watch me!

Bring it on, bitch!

I didn't want to let her in.

Stabler

Why did you?

She sounded desperate. [pause] Okay, she gave me 40 bucks.

Stabler

Look, we had a good run. Conviction rates are up. We had to get screwed sometime.

Benson

Cesar Velez can probably do more damage to Zapata now than the justice system ever could.

It just-- It never seems like enough, you know. The Feds'll get Zapata for killing Donovan. But what about Livia Sandoval? She dies without any justice, and we're supposed to be happy about it? We tell ourselves that we speak for the victims, but we don't. We can close cases. But the victims, even if they survive, their lives are ruined. I just get so sick of it.

Stabler

Alex, we can't always win.

But that's just it. Even when we win, we don't.

Stabler

It's not coercion.

Dr. Huang

You pushed Kevin into a psychotic break so I would drug him so you could coerce his confession.

Stabler

I did what I had to do to save that boy.

Dr. Huang

Great. What are you gonna do next? Bash in people's skulls to make 'em talk?

Stabler

You know, your way, Adam wouldn't have been found until he was starved to death.

All right, that's enough, both of you. Did the medication hurt Kevin?

Dr. Huang

No.

Then what's the harm?

Dr. Huang

Unless a court forces him to, it's Kevin's choice whether to take it. We don't have the right to make that decision for him.

Stabler

Do me a favor. Stop treatin' this perp like he's your patient.

Dr. Huang

He became my patient the second I gave him that injection!

Stabler

Then do me a favor. Start thinkin' about the victims here. The kid he kidnapped. The 2 people he stabbed. They're your victims, Doc! Not Kevin!

Dr. Huang

You made Kevin a victim, and I'm gonna testify on his behalf if this goes to trial, which Kevin will win since you handed the defense its case!

Stabler

How'd I do that?

Dr. Huang

They're gonna make you say that he wasn't rational until he was medicated, which means he's not responsible for his actions before then. You get it now?!

What the hell is this?

Stabler

Randall Haber, you're now under arrest for the murders of Lester Hale and Martha Davis.

Murder? Martha Davis committed suicide.

Stabler

We exhumed her body. She died of severe heat stroke.

Because you told them not to turn on her air-conditioning.

A jury's gonna believe him? He murdered that grocer in cold blood.

Stabler

Which only happened because you withheld his medication and kicked him out on the street. That makes you responsible for Lester Hale's death.

Okay. One count of Man-2 with a sentencing recommendation.

Are you crazy?! I'm not makin' a deal.

Why did you tell the aide to cut Martha's wrists? I heard you.

He doesn't know what he heard. He's a mental patient!

Novak

He's back on his medication. He's perfectly lucid, and he's our star witness. 2 counts, Man-1, concurrent. He does his 15.

15 years?

Novak

That, or a jury can sentence to to 25 to life. [opens the door] It's your choice.

Deal.

Benson

Did you know that in just one night of drinking, fetal alcohol syndrome can set in?

Stabler

I didn't know that.

Benson

If your wife got pregnant again, would you allow it?

Stabler

If Kathy got pregnant again I'd shoot myself.

Benson

You didn't even ask me if I did it.

Stabler

I know you didn't do it. You would've shot the bastard.

Deputy Eckerson is requesting our assistance.

Stabler

Wow. Pigs really do fly, huh?

Stabler

Spin it any way you want, Counselor. You know Rob Sweeney's guilty.

I've known Rob since he was a freshman. He's a good kid.

Stabler

He's a rapist.