Robert Goren quotes from Law & Order: Criminal Intent

[to Goren] Did you tell Kenneth Strick he plucks his eyebrows?

Goren

Yes. [to Eames] He does, right?

Well, he complained to the Mayor.

Goren

Strick is a straight guy who can only get excited wearing women's clothing. That usually goes hand-in-hand with masochism.

Eames

I learn something new every day.

Goren

I can vouch for his assistant.

Eames

Denise? You dog.

Carver

Bring Mrs. Wang in. Threaten her with, off the top of my head, I can think of a dozen statutes she's violated.

Eames

The most we'll get from her is that she tipped off Terry Randolph about the requisition for leuko samples.

Carver

Then put that CSU technician through the ringer. Or the head of the school security division, Mancuso.

Goren

Besides the fact that we have no leverage against them, I doubt they have any first-hand knowledge of the murders. All they can offer is hearsay.

Carver

Then find Randolph's accomplices. The other ex-cops.

Goren

What, accomplice testimony with no corroboration?

Carver

The drug dealers they've been shaking down?

Goren

Witness credibility problems.

Carver

[sitting back] You'd make a hell of a defense attorney.

This is a mistake. I didn't do anything.

Goren

You stole a confidential police file. That's grand larceny. An overt act in furtherance of a conspiracy to commit murder. You see, one of my hobbies, is studying the laws you were once paid to enforce. It's, uh,... surprisingly cheap.

Lucy Hotpants there, thinks the guy died of spontaneous combustion.

Goren

Right after he was spontaneously hit in the head.

Carver

Cantler -- the geneticist with the bestseller?

Goren

Two bestsellers and four wives. Apparently the professor likes the ladies--

Goren

--and vice-a versa.

Eames

You know us. We like men who play with the building blocks of life.

What's wrong with you that makes you want to destroy someone good like Erica?

Goren

[chuckles] I'm just a natural born skeptic.

Eames

That would make it two coincidences.

Goren

One more and it's a conspiracy.

Goren

That's a cute dog.

Goren

Isn't it cute? What's his name?

Ebit.

Goren

Ebit. Is that because he's such a itty-bitty little doggy?

Goren

Don't you read your own financial statements?

I'll let you in on corporate America's dirty secret. Financial statements are Rubik's cubes. Confusion and mystery are built into the design. They are meant to be inscrutable, unknowable.

Goren

Then how does a guy like me know what stocks to buy?

Ask your Aunt Minnie. She knows as much as anyone. The market is twenty percent perception, eighty percent emotion. Do you think that high-tech crashed because people stopped using computers? No, it was fear.

Goren

It was a bubble--

My dear detective, it's all a bubble. The Dow, the NASDAQ, the AMEX, it's all one big bubble that floats on the dreams and ambitions of every American. It may contract, it may expand, but it will never burst. Because of the ingenuity of the American capitalist.

No! No, look! You're going to need me!

Goren

And what can you offer to make up for the misery you prepared to wreak on thousands of people who trusted you? What fanatics do to us with guns and bombs, you tried to do with an accounting trick! Don't you think for a minute that you deserve anything better than they do.

Carver

I'm going to make an announcement to the press. And then I'm gonna call my broker.

Eames

You must have been so much fun in biology class.

Goren

Actually my biology teacher, Mr. Dixon, didn't think I was much fun at all.

Eames

The fake boils, the crucifixion pose, it was all just to throw us off.

Goren

It's impressive.

It's demented.

Goren

It worked.

Goren

Pacemakers have to be removed before cremation. Otherwise, the lithium batteries explode. Gives off a toxic fume and could damage the cremation chamber.

Yeah, I heard silicon implants had to be removed. My buddy Martinelli in the 3-7 married a stripper.