Robert Goren quotes from Law & Order: Criminal Intent

Eames

I can't imagine what he went through, waiting for her to die.

Goren

That must've been the worst hour of his life.

Eames

Hour? He said two days.

Goren

Well, I'm pretty sure I heard him say an hour.

Eames

(understanding) Maybe I need a prescription for my hearing.

Carver

All you have is peas and corn kernels. You're a few lima beans short of succotash, Detectives.

Goren

Uh, Succotash?

Carver

Your evidence is anecdotal. I line up my shoes at night.

Eames

Why am I not surprised?

Goren

Who's the worst pro bono lawyer you know?

Carver

The worst? That's easy. Stan Shatenstein.

Goren

Um, You know, hypothetically, how would we get Stan Shatenstein assigned to two defendants. What would we do?

Carver

What would you do? Hypothetically?

Carver

Well, our little ploy worked. She gave up her sister.

Goren

"Gave up". Yes. And no.

Eames

Murderer, arsonist. Jack of all trades.

Goren

Yeah, and master of none.

Eames

She broke the laws of her faith, so what does she do about it?

Goren

You commit one sin, the next ones come a little easier.

Goren

They use the same psychological coercion as cults.

Eames

So did the guy who sold me my car.

Goren

And that's when you overcame your biggest fear. You changed your way of being.

Yes!

Goren

You killed your dad and transformed your life.

[nods, smiling] Yes, I did.

Eames

And you killed your brother for the same reason.

Goren

The brother who had loved you, who watched over you.

It's wasn't real love. The context wasn't authentic. He watched out for me out of guilt. It's old stuff.

Goren

It's in the past. You killed your dad and you... let it go.

Yes!

Goren

Well, so then you became everything that Grace Note promised you. I mean, like it says here in the brochure, look! You became creator of your own destiny! Wow, look at you! You're a success story!

Goren

I almost forgot, I once busted a stripper who did a thing with a glow stick, do they do that there?

Yeah, they do that.

Eames

[to Goren] I can't believe you touched that thing.

Goren

Botox works by paralyzing the--the nerves around the facial muscles, doesn't it?

Eames

Does it look like I'd know?

It wasn't an accident. Is that what you're inferring?

Goren

You mean "implying", the listeners "infer".

Eames

And detectives "speculate", since we don't know the cause of death yet.

It's a wonderful painting. So full of hope.

Goren

Well, it certainly is, umm… full of something.

Eames

They drove around for half an hour and then went back to Garcia House.

Goren

They let one of them out. He had to go to the bathroom, so they let him take a pee off the pier.

Off the pier? That's compassion.

Carver

I won't go near a grand jury if your only evidence is the ramblings of a lone deranged individual.

Goren

How 'bout the ramblings of ten deranged individuals?

Goren

[about the Van Gogh paintings in Dysart's waiting room] Now, are you a fan, or are these up here to convince your patients they have eye problems?

I put them up to invite ridiculous questions.