Laverne DeFazio quotes from Laverne & Shirley

Laverne

Shirl? Shirl are you awake?

Shirley

[Hallucinated after the operation] Am I in heaven?

Laverne

No no! You're in the hospital. It's all over, you made it.

Shirley

Really?!! I'm okay?!! I can't believe it I...[Feels her head and starts freaking out] I'M NOT OKAY! I'M BALD!

Laverne

[Explaining why the Braves' losing streak led to them being laid off] Let me explain it to you again. If the Braves don't play so good, then people don't go to games. If people don't go to games, then Shotz can't sell them beer. Do you got that?

Shirley

Then why don't they just lay off the Braves?

Laverne

We'll have fun down at unemployment. We'll meet guys.

Shirley

Unemployed guys.

Laverne

I happened to meet a doctor there once.

Shirley

I want you to think about that for a minute, Laverne. Why would a doctor be unemployed, hmmm?

Laverne

He was so good... he cured everybody.

Shirley

Those boys have got the right idea. We should try making money at what we really love to do.

Laverne

I think we'd get arrested for that, Shirl.

Laverne

How about you, Len? You like girls, too, huh?

Lenny

Sure. Hey, if I get a bigger plant then him, will I get bigger women?

Laverne

I'll be the foreigner. Herbie Shoole once said I looked French.

Shirley

Herbie Shoole said you kissed French.

Remember - ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if you're going to be cremated, an urn is a must.

Laverne

I like poetry!

Laverne

Boy! Did everything go good tonight! I can't wait to see him tomorrow night!

Shirley

You actually followed him home?

Laverne

Oh, well, he didn't go home. He went to his place of business.

Shirley

He's a business man? He has his own business?

Laverne

Yeah!

Shirley

What does he do?

Laverne

He's a mortician.

Shirley

Ewwwwww!

Laverne

Well somebody's gotta do it!

Shirley

Yes, but WE don't have to know them!

Laverne

Yeah we do! Yeah we do!

Laverne

Do you remember Alan Steckler??

Shirley

Please don't do this.

Laverne

Alan Steckler, a guy who chewed his socks? Do you know what it's like kissing a guy who chews his socks? It's like making out with a hamper.

Shirley

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.

Laverne

Another poem.

Laverne

What'd you have to do to him? [Carmine]

Shirley

Nothin'. Some guys are just natural gentlemen.

Shirley

Alright, I'll just have to figure out some other way to keep people warm during the party, let me see... blankets, blankets would be good...

Laverne

Oh, I like blankets, then we can all get under 'em!

Laverne

Squiggy, do you know the Purple Fiends?

Know them? They beat me up three times!

Laverne

Squiggy, true or false...

True!

Laverne

I didn't ask the question yet!

Yes, you did. You said, "Squiggy, true or false?" I'm Squiggy, that would be true.

Lenny

You know girls, between us, Squiggy's not as smart as he looks...

Laverne

Aww, he's gotta be...