Carl Kolchak quotes from Kolchak: The Night Stalker

Carl Kolchak

[arriving at the cemetery] Hi there. Carl Kolchak, Independent News Service. Uh, is that grave over there for the body from the morgue?

Tell me about it.

Carl Kolchak

Who are they burying?

They want union trouble, I could blow the lid right off. You know, it's against the law to put two parties in the same plot, unless it's a family plot.

Carl Kolchak

Two parties?

They buried a party there last week. They're stacking 'em like they would be in a high-rise to save money. Oh, what a mess to come back after I've been out sick with the flu.

Carl Kolchak

[turns to see that Captain Winwood has arrived] Yeah. Take care.

Yes, sir.

Carl Kolchak

Looks like we're the only mourners here.

Kolchak, you keep a lot of people away from their jobs by your nosin' around.

Carl Kolchak

Tell me, why is a gold-button captain of the city's finest attending the burial of a black pauper? And who is this black pauper that was buried in this cemetery last week ended up in Russo's burial ground yesterday? And then finally ends up in this cemetery today?

Kolchak, now you get out of here. Or let me put it another way- If you continue to butt into this situation, you're gonna find yourself pounding on your typewriter with casts up to your shoulders.

Carl Kolchak

You gonna break my arms, Captain?

Now, would I wanna do a thing like that to you, Kolchak? Just ask yourself.

Carl Kolchak

Then I'll have to start at the beginning, with the autopsy on the dead panda.

Tony Vincenzo

[while dining] Carl, start somewhere else, will ya?

...And on your way home you can drop off your vampire story in Transylvania!

Carl Kolchak

This vampire didn't come from Transylvania, it came from Las Vegas.

Carl Kolchak

Listen, tell me, uh... Tell me, Mr... Mr. Sample, what time does the coroner think that Mr. Mitchell died?

Oh, I'd say about 5:00, 5:30 a.m. I think he lost conciseness way before then.

Carl Kolchak

Beautiful country you got up here. Just gorgeous. Gorgeous country. Fresh, clean air, bright sunshine.

Yes, it's very beautiful.

Carl Kolchak

It is indeed. Tell me, what time does the sun usually come up around here?

In the morning, early.

Carl Kolchak

Oh, I know that! What time, about 5:00, 5:30?

Well, it depends on the season. Why would you want to know that?

Carl Kolchak

Because I think that's about the time Mr. Mitchell was murdered.

You been chewing mescal? Who said he was murdered? I say he died of exposure. You know, Mitchell done stole that car in Vegas. Then he decided to repaint it, and that's why he taped the windows.

Carl Kolchak

[looks at Mitchell's car] Where did he repaint it, huh? On the inside? I mean, that's where the windows are taped. [knocks against the window] On the inside.

You're one of them fellows who likes to hear himself talk, ain't you?

Carl Kolchak

Tell me, did Mr. Mitchell have a couple of puncture marks on his throat, like fang marks?

The last nosy fellow who come through Barstow, somebody done come out and punctured all his tires.

Carl Kolchak

Is that a fact?

Yes, he did.

Carl Kolchak

Thank you very much for your advice, Mr. Sample. It's been a pleasure meeting you and your dog.

Is this that important to you?

Carl Kolchak

Oh, very.

Okay. But next time, don't try to con me. Just lay it on me.

Carl Kolchak

Now, wait just one minute. If you put me someplace against my will and something happens to me, you're gonna have to write a new chapter in the Maritime Code, or my editor's name is not Antonio Vincenzo!

Your editor... Release him - not here, outside!

Carl Kolchak

What happened to Mason?

Isn't it obvious? The guy was smoking in bed.

Carl Kolchak

I didn't see any ashtrays.

That's his problem.

Carl Kolchak

Mrs. Sherman, do you remember me? I was with Sergeant Mayer.

Well, he certainly takes a dim view of you.

Carl Kolchak

Well, he's a little dimwitted anyway.

Carl Kolchak

Now, do you know anything about these kinds of things?

Oh, well, it's a - it's, uh, a malicious and lost spirit of the dead person who's, uh, trying to wear down a living human being and take over his body - someone he envies, and... what spirit would envy you?

Carl Kolchak

What don't you like about this hat?

Tony Vincenzo

What's under it.

Carl Kolchak

[Grabbing his hat and jacket] Okay. If clothes make the reporter around here, then Carl Kolchak can play that game too!

Tony Vincenzo

Where are you going?

Carl Kolchak

I'm taking the rest of the afternoon off. I am going out and buy myself some new clothes, okay?

Finally!

Carl Kolchak

What ever happened to "I'm OK, you're OK"?

Well, to tell you the truth, you're not OK! The people in group therapy didn't tell me I was ever gonna meet anybody as un-OK as you are.

Here you are, Mr. Kolchak.

Carl Kolchak

Thank you very much. Anybody important here today?

No, just a bunch of reporters.

What about the rats?

Carl Kolchak

Well, we all have rats, sir. You should see the one I work for.