Kitchen Nightmares quotes

(interview) When Chef Gordon pulled those potato skins out, I knew he had found something that I wasn't going to like.

We sat here wondering why this business is on its ass. It starts with the top job, it's called responsibility. (to John) No wonder you've given up.

(interview) I've been in denial, I've lowered my standards, and it takes somebody like a Gordon Ramsay to come in and wake you up.

(interview) I wanted to crawl under the table and hide my face so that people wouldn't associate me with such "crap".

What a beautiful, quaint little town. I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than at Hannah &... (sees that the sign is missing the N from "Mason's") Maso's? I guess they couldn't afford the "N." That's not a good start.

I cannot believe that this is how you guys are running a restaurant!

(interview) Through my head, I was thinking "We're going to be screwed!"

That's what in there?

That's the walk-in freezer.

That's the walk-in freezer? Look at the mess in here! What's this here?

Bacon.

Bacon. Yeah, obviously bacon, smart-arse! That's from lunch? Yeah, five years ago! You leave a spatula in there like that? I'm sorry. No. Fuck off. I cannot believe what you guys are doing here.

There was so much going on. My head was spinning. My head was about to explode. I thought to myself, this is a disaster.

What's that in there?

Shit, that didn't get put away.

(finds cooked chicken sitting next to raw chicken.) Oh, my god.

I don't know what the fuck...

Oh, fuck off! Oh, my god! Oh, no!

This is not good.

RAW CHICKEN!

That should never happen, you know?

Oh my god! CHRIS, THERE'S FUCKING CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!

It's fucking...

(to Brian) HEY, PANINI-HEAD! LISTEN TO ME!

Yes?

YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I'VE EATEN HERE!! Partners? Partners in crime! You should be ashamed.

We are ashamed.

You've just contaminated the town! (Leaves the walk-in) Hey, Nick. Nick! Stop! Right now, this is not a romantic eat-out. This is a Valentine fucking massacre! IT'S A DISGRACE! How can you do this!? I'm closing this place down. SWITCH IT OFF!!

What I've just discovered is totally unacceptable. Enough is enough. Chris?

Yes, sir?

You are passionate about food. You feel deeply about it. I want to hear it.

I'm ready. I'm ready to tear it down and start over.

You've got a big pair of bollocks facing those customers tonight. What can be said about the "partner" you are in business with? (to Brian) Where were you? How many tables did you talk to? How many customers did you apologise to?

None.

How much support did you give the waiters, the manager?

None.

Right. You were doing jack-shit tonight. You make me sick.

Inspired by the fresh locally-grown apples, Chef Ramsay heads back to the restaurant to work on a special he has in mind for tonight's dinner service.

Right. What are they called.

(unenthusiastically) Apples?

Apples, fucking smartass.

Wow, look at the size of that. That's a lot of "krab." And you haven't told me about the "K" yet.

Oh, he said he wanted everybody to know that it wasn't real crab, it's artificial crab. So he spelled it with a "K" so there was no misconception.

So it's fake crab meat?

Uh-huh.

In a seafood restaurant, on the water?

When you take a bite of that cod, it's almost like you've got a breaded condom in your mouth.

This is salmon that is marinated in... that looks like... [he smells it] an Italian dressing. Oh dear. [finds tuna that has been dyed pink] What's this? Seafood restaurant on the water. Tuna that's dyed pink to make it look authentic. Look at it, my God. Unbelieveable. And here we have... [he finds a risotto] That looks like a mushroom risotto, grey risotto. Unbelieveable.

What is that there

I believe it's beef bits.

Beef bits in blood.

Nasty.

What's the matter with this?

She said it's not fresh, she said it's no good.

It's fucking watery.

Let me have a taste. How bad is it? [tastes it] It's not bad though! It's not bad! It's not bad! [Gordon tastes it and spits it out.] Ohhhh, no! Come on! He spits it out. It's not bad.

You're fucking delusional. It's mushy. It's watery. It's fake.

It's not the right crab meat. You're right.

And it's fucking disgusting. You're jumping up and down like a big fucking baboon and "Ho, ho! It's good! Whoo!"

Watching this restaurant perform is embarrassing. Fake fucking crab meat inside of sole? It's pretty obvious, it's become the appendix of restaurants in Stamford. You just want to get rid of it and get it out.

With food now coming back, it's a perfect opportunity for Gordon to witness Sammy's customer service skills.

How did you want your meat cooked? Did you want it rare?

I wanted it medium rare.

So can we make you another one? Will you wait or you don't want it all?

I'll wait, but the thing is I don't want you to stick it back in a microwave.

No, we're going to throw that out and make you a new one. Nobody's talking about microwave. You're the one who's talking about microwave.

It came out of a microwave, otherwise it wouldn't be exuding heat.

Do you work for a microwave company? You know so much about microwave. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Get the fuck out of here. Tell her to take a hike.

That is rude. Wow. To speak to a customer like that, that's disgusting.

No wait, we're not done yet. I want to see you cut into it. How is it? Is it still too rare?

You know what? I'm done. No more chances.

Unbelievable. (interview) Oh my god. I just wanted to pick her up and throw her out. There's a right way and a wrong way of handling something like that and she was totally wrong.

When were these done?

Yesterday?

Yesterday? Fuck off, Vic, please. They weren't done yesterday. Okay. You can ask him in his own language; ask him very, very quickly: "When were these cooked?"

(to a cook) ¿Cuándo cocinaron de eso? (When did you cook that?)

En viernes. (On Friday.)

(to a cook) So this was from last week.

Of course, they're from last week!