Kitchen Nightmares quotes

(to Peter) You've got the nerves to tell me you clean the walls every fucking Tuesday? Touch — fuck off, will you - TOUCH THE WALL! You dirty pig! (to the others) This is disgusting! I'm closing it down. (to Peter) How many has booked?

About twenty.

Twenty - forget it. Get the place steam-cleaned from fucking head to tail. I don't care, but we're not cooking a fucking cookie out of here!

I've never done that before, close down a restaurant, but that was a fucking embarrassment. Seascape open? (slams closed sign over open one on sandwich board) Close the fucking place.

Look at that. What's that squashed into? Looks like it's been squashed into an ice cream cone. [The waiter hands him the funnel] ... Ah, right, that's his on top. Was the chef a mechanic?

I was pissed. Real pissed. I wanted to take the plate and smash it on top of the Chef's head.

What's this crap here with calamari in a martini glass?

We're just trying to do presentation because the dishes we have suck.

"Suck"? I can't believe you'd be so fucking polite.

Okay, my pizzas will soon be in supermarkets.

What?!

I would love to franchise this, and have a "Sebastian's" all over the world.

Oh my god...

Just think how that sounds. "Sebastian's" all over the world. That makes me excited.

You haven't got fucking one right so far! How the fuck can you think about two? I need some fresh air, the guy's gone!

This guy is seriously off his fucking trolley!

(to the kitchen staff) I just won that one. I won that one.

What on earth is going on in his fucked-up, delusional mind?

Whoo! I won that one!

What happened?

He was giving me shit. I gave it back to him, and he was like, "Uh, yeah whatever," and-

(walks back into the restaurant) Sebastian! I just want a little word.

Listen, big boy. Right now, you've won jack-fucking-shit! You've got the audacity to stand there, talking to me about a franchise, when we can't even get a pizza right?

(interview) It took everything in me not to just, freak out. (to Gordon) I've been here two years. It may not seem like-

What have you got to show?

What have I got to show? I'll tell you what I've got to show. Pride! Pride!

You're delusional! You are so-

That's your opinion, sir. A lot of people feel that way about you!

(points at the dining room) What's successful about out there?

I'm still here.

That's what makes it successful? You've just answered my question. I'll see you later.

(on the over-elaborate menu) You can't push an inherently-faulty concept. That's like shining a turd...absolutely futile.

When I first arrived here, we got off to a shaky start. Then we kept our heads down and we got through it together.

Yeah.

And we made some really exciting changes. The menu's changed, the staff have changed.

Yes.

Mate, there's one thing that hasn't changed in this establishment, and that's you Sebastian. I'm 40 years old, and I have gone a lot of restaurants, but I've never...ever...ever...ever met someone I believe in as little as you. I think you will go back to your sloppy, shortcut, 5-out-of-10 frozen ways. Good luck. (Sebastian walks back inside) Unbelievable.

Un-fuckin'-believable.

Fuckin' useless.

You fuckin' kidding me? Fuckin' kiddin' me right now?! (pacing back and forth) This is MY FUCKIN' LIFE!!

Oh my God...

THIS IS MY FUCKIN' LIFE!

(interview) Honestly, I haven't seen Sebastian this emotional.

(interview) Sebastian just got real loud. He just changed like Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.

(walks toward the back door) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!?

That's pissed on his bonfire.

(leaving the restaurant) Fuckin' arrogant! Fuck that motherfucker! (to the production team) We're done! Get the fuckin' camera outta here! (approaches back entrance) Chef Gordon! (breaks the door open) Chef Gordon. Where the fuck are ya? Where are you?

I'm here.

You come into my restaurant?

Yes.

I'm just so fucking disappointed.

Wait. Don't shout at me. You're going to calm down?

Stop pointing your finger at me.

Are you going to calm down?

Are we going to speak like men? You're going to speak to me like a man?

You didn't listen to what I've told you.

You didn't listen to what I'm saying.

Did you hear what I've just told you?

I'm stepping away from you, because I don't want to be too close.

You ungrateful...

You have no idea!

Nasty, vindictive...

You have no fucking idea!

Joker!

Well, fuck you! (walks away)

That's it, is it? (follows Sebastian)

Yeah, it is it! You're very disappointing!

That was your second fucking shit performance tonight!

Are you fuckin' kidding me?! Your whole act is a fuckin' joke!

Anything else?

Your whole act is a fuckin' joke! You're a phony!

You shouldn't run like that.

Run like what?

Am I supposed to be scared now, Sebastian?

(shakes his fist) Come on, give me a break. I'm busting my ass in there. You tell me...

You what?!

Are you kidding me?

Let me tell you...

Are you kidding me?!

Let me tell you something...

You're telling me nothing! I'm done! I'm done!

There you go.

Yes. LOSER! (walks away) And I'm telling you one last time: you're a fuckin' dickhead!

After feeling the heat of the firemen, Brian and sous chef Francis get back to work under the watchful eye of Gordon who can't believe what he sees.

Francis, Francis, Francis, Francis. Fuck me, he's deaf as a fucking bat. Francis, you took it off the floor and put it in the fryer and then back in the sauce.

Yeah, well the fryer is going to...is going to...take anything that comes off the floor and clean it.

But it fell on the floor.

Correct.

Put it back in the fryer.

Right into the fryer.

And it cleans it.

It cleans it. It sterilizes it.

Sterilises it?

Yeah, well...

Fuck me! "Sterilised it"?

What happened with that order?

I dropped a wing on the floor, picked it up and stuck it back in the fryer again.

(interview) We tried to keep everything consistent but some things get messed up every now and then.

What the fuck were you thinking?!

(outside) Oh my god. I've never, ever, ever seen anything quite extraordinary as that. Serves food off the floor and serves it to the customer? Oh, my God, no!

(watching Brian, in the kitchen, down a glass of beer) I want to see you and Ramsay chug.

I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef. (laughs) (interview) I'm a very confident person. I've been in the kitchen a long time. I'm almost positive we'll get a good review.

(waiting for his spring rolls) When you get a family business right, it goes on for generations; and here, it doesn't feel like a family-run business at all. Pubs are full of atmosphere, fun. It's got tweed-neck curtains, like you're going to visit your granny. Weird.

(arriving with spring rolls) Here you are; spring rolls with Coleman's mustard.

Wow. God. Very strange, bizarre-looking spring roll. (eats it) Damn. (to Melissa) Are they popular on the menu?

(hesitantly) People... really like them.

No doubt half the customers are drunk.

This is a tough half-hour of my life.

(to Brian) Not a big hit.

He didn't like it?

Nope. (interview) Brian's in the kitchen, wondering, and I'm like, "Nope."

Are you kidding me?

He really expected me to be like, "He loved it!" You know, "He wants you to come work for him!"

Come on! (drizzles balsamic on Gordon's salmon) Maybe try that one.

(serving the salmon to Gordon) Let me get you some clean silverware...

Thank you. (noticing the balsamic) God. What's this stuff, please, Melissa?

On top is a balsamic reduction. He (Brian) likes to use that a lot. On everything, he puts a little drizzle on.

A little? Thank you.

You're welcome. (leaves)

Always a sign of an insecure chef, when he macerates everything in balsamic vinegar. Look at this. (tastes it) Horrible. Doesn't taste of salmon at all.

(returning) All through?

Does my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?

No.

(sarcastically) Good. Lovely.

I don't even think he likes the water.

(to Brian) He asked me, "Will my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?" and I told him, "No, I assure you it will not."

Do I? Do I dare? (interview) I don't want to come off as conceited or cocky, but I know I'm very good at what I do. I know the back of the house well. I've done everything that's out there.

Let's try that one.

(serves the pie) Enjoy.

Thank you.

You're welcome. (leaves)

(digging into the shepherd's pie with his fork) It's just a big ball of grease. (eats it and grimaces) Just very, very greasy. (coughs and gags) Oh, God! That's disgusting.

(to Buddy) The toilet?

Second door on the left.

Oh, no...

[shows Lela the stolen food] This is Buzzard's little picnic. Nice little sandwich there, ham, cheese, mustard. Oh, nice big salad. And main course, we're going to tackle some New Zealand lamb.

I know where that came from.

Stop laughing. Here we are with a restaurant that's financially fucking screwed and you're just helping yourself to wine and a four course dinner.

(interview) He takes little things every now and then, but I haven't seen him do something like that in a while.

Now, listen. I'm not going to stand there and argue with you. You can have that! Okay? (walks out)

This lady owns it. Buzzard? Unbelievable.

(interview) We were thinking that he was doing that but I hadn't caught him in the act and today, well there it is.

(interview) I hate to have to fire anybody, but then you get to the point where if I can't get them to change what they're doing or whatever, then I have to get rid of him.

Can I see your eyes? Take your glasses off. (Buzzard takes off his shades) Buzzard, anything that belongs inside this restaurant belongs to Lela. Yeah? End of story. Nothing gets taken off this premise.

(interview) If it was up to me, I'd fire Buzzard's ass.

I get lots of people stealing from me and I just have one discipline, anyone who steals from me is out. End of story. Because, the message you send, they all see you do it, they all do it. Anyway, Lela, you're the one who's got to make the decision, it's your restaurant.

Yeah, so you know, I'm sorry but this is going to be it. All right? This is it.

(interview) Buzzard ain't going to be back here. He ain't going to be buzzing around here and he's truly a buzzard.

If people start bitchin', the meatballs are gonna come out of the kitchen.

If it was that bad, then why'd you keep eating? Why did you keep eating if it was that bad?

What's her problem?

'Cause youse a fucking liar! You just want everything for free, you greedy fucking bitch!

Oh my God in heaven! You people are mental!

Go have another bottle of wine, you fucking alcoholic bitch. Have another bottle of wine, you fucking lowlife!

Who is that person?!

Jesus.

Ohh, fuck.

My goodness me.

Mould everywhere.

The food's been in this fridge for so long, even the fridge is starting to get mouldy.

Look, just here. It's like mould caked on. This place hasn't been cleaned for years. Look, it's real mould.

It's been in that long, even the bottle's mouldy. This place is a health hazard. Mould is festering, so, potentially dangerous in terms of poisoning someone. This place can't stay open. The place is disgusting.

Maggots. Infested with maggots. Oh, God!