MarshallCoffee sour? You're making that face.
It's this clown, Ronnie Dowenberg.
Marshall
Ah, the affinity scammer.
Sells good Samaritans on phony bonds to build imaginary churches. I don't even like church and I hate this guy. Con-men are the worst.
Marshall
They're great on the stand, blend in anywhere, they play ball.
That's what they want you to think!
Marshall
Maintaining such a dim view of humanity, isn't it exhausting?
That's why they make energy drinks. [smirks] Look, Marshall, we hide murderers, smugglers, every crayon in the wise-guy wannabe box, but con-men: they don't just take your money, they rob you of your dignity. They leave you poor, wide-eyed and stupid on the side of the road, and if you think there's a chance in hell this son of a bitch can up and whistle a different tune, I've got a seaside condo in Beirut I'd like to tell you about.
Man... it was gonna be such a good day. Bust a bad guy, watch some crappy TV. Curl up in bed with a box of wine. Now... this is all screwed up, and I got a date with my ex-husband.
Marshall
Your what?
Oh, yeah. I was married for five days when I was 17.
Marshall
You were what?
It was no big deal. We were young and stupid. Well, we were young and he was stupid. Anyway, he's in town for an air conditioning convention. Wow, there is no way to make that sound sexy. Whatever, we'll probably just go to Zinc, drink too much, and get in a fight, you know, for old times' sake.
Marshall
How has this never come up? You have an ex-husband.
You know me. I don't like to brag.
Marshall
Whoa! You like it here? I thought you said it was too... something. You must be Mark. I'm Marhsall, Mary's partner. This is Abigail.
I'm the girlfriend. Hey, Mark, Mary.
Marshall
Hey, fun idea. Let me see if they have a table for four.
That is fun. I'll supervise. Is this 'cause I put your cell phone in jello?
Marshall
This is because, once upon a time, you got to grill my dad on my youthful indiscretions. And you know what they say about payback.
Can you believe we're just rolling out the red carpet for this douche bag?
Marshall
It's what we do: we keep douche bags honest and occasionally remunerate them, even when they aren't.
Disappearing. It's not a bad deal. No baggage. No exes tracking you down.
Marshall
So, you and Mark are...
I just couldn't buy a ticket for a movie I'd already seen.
[whispers across the hallway to her out of sight partner] Marshall!
Marshall
[whispers back] I'm done with the Amish jokes!
Marshall
They're not, and before you ask, I haven't seen the remote.
Ugh. What about a pillow? Have you seen an extra pillow? These beds suck. I swear to God, I think my mattress is made of wood. [looks up as Marshall appears in her doorway wearing an Amish style men's nightgown] Oh, no. What are you doing?! No, no, no, no, no! Eli was just being polite! He didn't expect you to actually wear them!
Marshall
[motions to his exposed lower leg] Can you not handle this?
Oh, my God. Put them away, Ichabod. Yuck!
Marshall
Here. [throws her a pillow]
Hey, hey, hey. One more thing!
Marshall
I'm not giving you my pie.
Marshall
Glutton.
So here's something... I'm kind of ...how should I put this? I'm...
Marshall
Expecting? With child? In a family way?
Marshall
Mary, you're my partner and my best friend, I'm with you all the time.
Marshall
Well, lately, you're ah ...[motions to her breasts]
Oh, ew! Marshall! Just...
Marshall
You do like a pie, but your liking pie is nothing new. What's new is...[motions again]
Marshall
Also, there was the vomiting, as well as something Abigail mentioned about you hating the taste of coffee?
All of a sudden, I can't drink it without wanting to hurl. Can you believe that? I can't drink coffee. Good luck with that, by the way.
Marshall
Yeah. Yeah.
Marshall
Abigail? No. I'm not gonna talk to her about it before I talk to you.
Why didn't you say anything?
Marshall
Well, Mary... The thing is, I... I just thought. I kinda thought... That it wasn't my place.
That book... So did you have it already?
Marshall
Yeah, but not a first edition. I love first editions.
I know. I mean, I know now.
Marshall
Yeah. So...
Marshall
Who says you can't go home again?
Marshall
So all the available options, what's your next move?
Marshall
A doctor.
Marshall
An OB/GYN.
Still a doctor, still a no.
Marshall
It's a simple blood test. It takes five minutes. Five minutes.
"Five minutes to blood test, five minutes to blood test." Ease up, Rain Man. Maybe count some cards or toothpicks or something.
Marshall
We're having a baby, Mary.
Marshall
I'm with you every day if you're having a baby, trust me, we're having a baby.
Fine, whatever. Just get back to me when you need three jog bras to run to the phone.
Oh, my God, Miami. Even the humidity's humid.
Marshall
I don't mind. It's good for the pores. What? A man can't care about his complexion?
Just step on it, lady. I gotta pee like a Russian racehorse.
Marshall
Teamster.
Marshall
You sure it was a good idea flying down here, considering...
Marshall, fine. I took a blood test. It was positive. You happy?
Marshall
Are you?
That's not the point. The point is, Dr. Wolk said it's fine for me to fly in my first trimester. So how about you take care of your uterus, I'll take care of mine?
Marshall
Okay, I'm just gonna say it. You took a fall, a bad one.
Marshall
You should see a doctor. And not tomorrow. Seriously, Mary, a person in your condition...
Marshall, I'm pregnant. I'm not disabled, okay?
Marshall
Okay. So, um, what's the plan?
I don't know. The plan is I'd rather not be pregnant. But I'll do what I do, protect and relocate. There must be hundreds of couples in a ten-mile radius who'd kill for the shot at 3:00 A.M. feedings, and I'm just the girl to give it to them.
Marshall
Just like that? You sure?
No, I'm not sure of anything, except I wanna keep doing my job and I don't want anyone else to know. And if you keep treating me like some sort of wounded koala, someone's gonna figure it out.
Marshall
Procreation is remarkable in its complexity...
Marshall
And its relative simplicity.
Marshall
What comes after: family dynamics, hopes and dreams, the triumphs, the tragedies.
Sweet Jesus, shut your hole.
Marshall
That's the tricky stuff.
I can't believe I'm pregnant.
Marshall
I know you can't, and yes you are.
I'm not sure I know how to do this.
Marshall
It's just like you said, treat it like a witness: protect and relocate.
Marshall
We'll make a list. You do like lists.
Marshall
I'll draw up a template tomorrow with 'locate nearest restroom' on every other line. Can I walk you out? I'll let you get the door.
No, I've got some stuff to finish up.
Marshall
Okay. We'll talk more tomorrow.
Don't threaten me. [smiles as Marshall laughs]
Marshall
I think I want to adopt Vick.
He has parents, Marshall. Plus, two nerds don't make a right.
Marshall
I know, it's just hanging out with him I can't help thinking about what it would be like: fatherhood. Speaking of which, you know you have to tell Mark about this stuff, right? [motions to her belly]
No. It was a one night stand. I don't have to tell my ex-husband anything. That's what one night stands and ex-husbands are for.
[listening to federal prosecutor] Listen to him. We run the race, he takes the victory lap. How long have you know this ballbag anyway?
Marshall
You two aren't related, are you? Inbred in-laws from feuding clans?
Come on, you're killing me! Give it up, Stan.
Mother? Sister? Say mother.
Marshall
Whoa!
Stanley, up top! [Mary and Marshall hold up their hands for a high five] Come on. No? [high fives Marshall]
Ex-fiance. I mean, to be clear, she is now his ex-fiance, all right? And I had no idea they were involved when we got intimate. That's...
Look at him. Just standing there. Like we're going to just leave it at that.
Marshall
Adorable.
In Plain Sight · 332 quotes
