Mary Shannon quotes from In Plain Sight

Mary

What is that?

Marshall

My first work of origami. Notes?

Mary

Stop now or you will never get laid again.

Mary

No silence. I can't take silence right now.

Marshall

Okay. Why aren't you wearing your engagement ring?

Mary

Raph and I broke up. [long pause] I said no silence.

Marshall

Right. So.

Mary

Oh, my God, Marshall. You're killing me.

Marshall

I really don't know what to say.

Mary

Now? Now you don't know what to say? Seven years I get a combo geyser of Wikipedia, Jeopardy, Star Trek, Dead Poet's Society, Carnac the Magnificent and now, the one time I need a steady stream of useless numbing babble I get car sounds!

Marshall

When did you two break up?

Mary

No, no, no! No questions! Anyone can do questions. I want pointless quotes! Useless trivia! The downpour of idiocy you practically patented! Come on! It's a twenty minute car trip. I don't want to think about my life, okay? Amaze me, annoy me, distract me. Is that so much to ask?

Marshall

This is so weird. I got nothing.

Mary

Oh, my God. You're verbally impotent.

Marshall

I swear, this has never happened before.

Marshall

I guess I'll have to return the ice cream maker I got for your engagement gift. French style, highly aerated ice cream in twenty five minutes. You know, the history of ice cream is as fascinating as it is long. Let us begin at the beginning. In ancient Greece --

Mary

Marshall. I'm good.

Marshall

Sorry I choked before.

Mary

It happens.

Marshall

Not to me.

Mary

I'm sure you'll be great next time.

Marshall

Maybe we can just talk?

Mary

[laughs] Sure.

Marshall

So, why did you and Raph break up?

Mary

Because he's a beautiful, sweet, sensitive man who adored me.

Marshall

Yeah, who wants that?

Mary

Exactly.

Marshall

He's sure been a model witness the last three months.

Mary

Oh, yeah. Nice, quiet, cooperative contract killer.

Marshall

I almost admire your resistance to the idea that people grow.

Mary

I think people grow. Worse.

Marshall

Okay, what?

Mary

What what?

Marshall

There's something else.

Mary

No there's not.

Marshall

Yes, there is.

Mary

Like what?!

Marshall

I don't know. There's something you're not telling me.

Mary

Stop. It's like you rent a room in my head.

Marshall

And somewhere in mine you occupy a small pied-à-terre --

Mary

[makes a face] Don't say pied-à-terre.

Marshall

-- and we're allowed to close the doors now and then, so to speak, but it can't last. You won't be able to hold out. You're just going to blurt it out at some point. I'm giving you the chance now to blurt!

Mary

Nothing happened! No blurting.

Marshall

Whatever you want to do here, I'll back you.

Mary

No, because what I'm going to do here will probably get me fired, and if you get fired, too, I'll have no one to move in with and mooch off of.

Marshall

Lucky for you my interests are varied and my career options infinite. If this whole thing goes horribly pear shaped, whatever's next for me, my coattails are always there for you.

Mary

Oh, yeah? What's origami pay these days?

Mary

You're going to work me with some sob story, try and hustle up a shinny new deal?

I don't do sob stories. You come up with more dough, great. If not, I'll get by.

Mary

[picks up an iPhone-like electronic device] In the mean time, here's a cost effective way of becoming completely self involved, oblivious to everyone and everything, a total pro at useless games and a genius at accessing the pointless.

Mary

Give me a break, Marshall, honestly.

Marshall

One break coming up. [pulls out a box of donuts and coffee]

Mary

The Donut Hut? What did you do?

Marshall

Eat first.

Mary

Don't sugar-manage me.

Marshall

You should have no problem remaining surly as you masticate. Lois Turner stopped by after your house call. She wants a divorce.

Mary

She's not married, and don't say masticate.

Mary

Hey!

Jesus! It's like being haunted. How in the hell did you find me?

Mary

ESP. All the ladies have it these days. A lot's changed since you went in, Frank. Now women have the power to read men's thoughts.

[chuckles] Always did. Everybody was always just too polite to talk about it.

Stan

FBI just snagged a big fish: Natalie Vickers, key player and co-conspirator in an interstate mortgage scam.

Mary

Oh, interstate mortgages. That gets me seriously hot. Say it again. Slower.

Marshall

You going to be okay?

Mary

Yeah, fine. It's fine. Go!

Marshall

You sure?

Mary

Yes! Marshall, whatever little stupid Nora Ephron you have playing in your head about me and Faber's snappy workplace love connection, you can.

Marshall

It's less Nora Ephron and more Leni Riefenstahl.

Mary

Whatever. Hit the off switch.

Marshall

Well, this is where normal people say goodbye, I'll call you, be careful.

Mary

You owe me nine dollars for lunch last week, so don't get shot and die.

Marshall

[smiles] I'll do my best.

Marshall

I find your almost girlish delight disturbing on many levels.

Mary

Come on! It's five days without your standard, whiney, moping witness crap. It's back to basics: hunt, bust, cuff, haul! Then there's the icing on the cake: him. [looks at Marshall's father, Deputy Marshal Seth Mann]

Marshall

You've now crossed over to sadistic glee.

Mary

Are you nervous?

Marshall

No!

Mary

You should be. I'm about to find out so many embarrassing hilarious new secrets, I'm going to have to alphabetize them.

Marshall

I honestly fear for the state of your soul. [stands as his dad approaches]

Marshall.

Marshall

Dad.

Mary

[sighs] Heaven.

So, you seeing anyone?

Marshall

There are a few prospects.

Mary

[laughs]

Marshall

Mary doesn't know about them because I try not to subject people I care about to what I euphemistically refer to as her winning abrasiveness.

Mary

Look, Seth, Marshall's social life is a contradiction in terms, unless you count putting a bookstore clerk in a headlock and telling her about Nietzschean themes in Wagnerian opera.

Marshall

She was interested!

Mary

[pats his shoulder] Shhh. [to Seth] There's so much I want to know. Who was Marshall's first celebrity crush? How old was he when he went to his first Star Trek convention? And when did he start using a curling iron?

Mary

How old were you when you first wondered if you were adopted?

Marshall

Four. I did the saliva strip test at eight. Sadly...[shakes head]

Marshall

I wish I had had you in high school.

Mary

High school me would have eaten high school you alive.