TV show quotes
I've no need of a trial to prove your guilt.
A song sung by every small town corrupt policeman, which is what you are and what you should have stayed. I've watched your career with fascination, Sejanus, it's been a revelation to me. I've never fully realized how a small mind, allied to limitless ambition and without scruple, could destroy an entire country full of clever men.
[after being asked by Antonia to hide a letter for Tiberius inside his history of Carthage] Well, I suppose I could, but I don't want to give him this copy. It's got elephants drawn all over it.
You are the biggest fool any mother was ever punished with. Who cares about your stupid history of Carthage? Nobody's going to read it anyway, and certainly not Tiberius. The only way you'd get him to read it is if you drew naked women all over it, and then he'd only look at the pictures!
[about Macro] Do you know him personally?
No, but I've slept with his wife several times.
And is deception with the wife regarded these days as a sound introduction to the husband?!
I shall make you my successor, Gaius Caligula! I’ve decided. You shall stay here with me. Rome deserves you. I will nurse you like a viper in her bosom.
Is that a joke, uncle?
Not yet, but it will be.
[Planning the deaths of Sejanus and his followers with Caligula]
You and I will draw up a list during dinner. A long list. The city will be purged! As surely as if she had gorged herself on figs for a year! I will open Rome's bowels! The streets will run like a sewer!
I can't do it. I can't just kill them: they're underage.
They're on the list. Now get on with it.
The girl is a virgin. It's unprecedented to kill a virgin. It will bring bad luck to the city.
Then make sure she's not a virgin when you kill her. Now get on with it!
[Antonia is sitting outside Livilla's locked door]
[screaming and pounding from the inside] Mother! Let me out! Let me out!
For Heaven's sake, let her out! How long are you going to leave her in here?
Until she dies.
Dies? Dies?! Have you gone mad?! She's your daughter! How can you leave her to die?!
That's her punishment.
How can you bear to sit out here and listen to her?!
And that's mine. Leave me, Claudius. I shall not move from here until they open the door and find her dead. Leave me.
No... No...! [leaves, sobbing]
[On hearing the fate of Sejanus's children]
[sobbing] Rome, you are finished! Finished! You are despicable.
[to Claudius] Go in peace. I was thinking about killing you, but I've changed my mind.
Gentlemen, posterity will envy us!
(under his breath) Posterity will call you an ass, you idiot.
What's the matter with us, Herod? These are the children of my noble brother Germanicus. How could it happen?
Well, you know what they say about the tree of the Claudians: it bears two kinds of fruit: the sweet and the bad.
Well, they've certainly had a terrifying crop this season.
[Antonia has decided to kill herself]
[in tears] Don't do it, please...!
My mind is made up. I don't want to stay here anymore. I was born into a world of people. It's become a kennel of mad dogs. I've seen my splendid son Germanicus murdered, and my grandsons, Drusus, Nero, Gemellus. My granddaughters are degenerate beyond redemption, and your sister Livilla died by my own hand. That was the worst. I should have died then myself.
Wait a while! Caligula's sick in his mind. Sooner or later...
No, Rome is sick, sick to its heart. He's just the rash it's come out in.
Do you think I'm mad?
Mad?
Yes. Sometimes I think that I'm going mad. Do you — be honest with me — has that thought ever crossed your mind?
Never. Never. The idea is preposterous. You set the standard of sanity for the whole world.
Claudius, we must help him — the emperor.
He's your husband: you help him.
Claudius, he's sick. He needs good people around him.
He's killed them all!
Your emperor is amongst you once again. All his wars successfully concluded, and the victorious armies brought back to Rome. He had thought, in his divine innocence, that the roads might be lined with cheering crowds. He had thought the streets might be strewn with flowers. He had thought there might be messengers to greet him telling him of triumphs to be awarded. And what did he find, this conqueror of the Germans, this victor over the mighty Neptune? The streets empty of crowds and flowers, no triumphs awarded, no games, no celebrations... [furious] but three miserable old ex-consuls waiting at the gates to greet him, and a room full of cowardly stay-at-home senators who spent all their time in the theatre and at the baths, while he has spent six months living no better than a private soldier! Yes, your emperor has returned... [draws his sword and raises it threateningly] ... but with this in his hand!
[hesitant] But Jove, you ordered no triumphs.
Well, of course I ordered no triumphs! Do you think I'd order triumphs for myself?!
But you ordered us not to order any.
Yes, and you took me at my word, didn't you? Typical! It didn't occur to you that I might be leaving it up to you for your love to show itself freely? It didn't occur to you that it might be my natural humility speaking? "I ordered you not to celebrate." But you ordered celebrations for the anniversary of Actium, didn't you? Didn't forget to celebrate the defeat of my great-grandfather Mark Antony! How many bottles of wine did you open, toasting his murder while I was doing battle with the sea? [to Praetorians] Show them our booty! Show them the plunder we gathered from old Neptune!
[They open chests and pour out a pile of seashells]
Seashells?
Yes, spoils of the sea. Loot from old Neptune. [laughs] He won't take me on again in a hurry!
[the senators gather and talk amongst themselves]
Jove, while you were away, we built a new temple to you on Palatine Hill.
That won't save you! Down on you knees, all of you! Bend your heads! I shall sever each one at the neck!
[He raises his sword to behead the senators. Claudius and Caesonia stops him.]
Merciful god! Would you spoil the great day of your return with the spilling of blood? When they come to write the history of this memorable day, should they have to mix it with the murder of these fools?
[cautiously] Claudius is right, my lord, my husband. Think of your little daughter. One day, when she is older, she will read the account of your return. Must these fools intrude on such a glorious page in history?
[Caligula relents, takes Caesonia in his arms]
Your soft words have appeased my wrath. As we know, prayer has softened the hearts of gods. [to the senators] You may go. I shall inspect the temple in the morning.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's I, Claudius pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
