I, Claudius quotes

To tell the truth, lord, nature calls. It must have been something I ate last night...

Caligula

Don't look at me. If I decide to doctor your food, you won't have to wait until morning to find out!

Caligula

[to an unruly crowd] If you only had one neck, I'd hack it through!

You are not fit to be Emperor.

I agree. But nor was my nephew.

So what difference is there between you?

He would not have agreed. And by now your head would be on that floor for saying so.

Senators, it is true that I am hard of hearing, but you will find it is not for want of listening. As for speaking, again, it's true I have an impediment. But isn't what a man says more important than how long he takes to say it? It's true again I have little experience of government. But, then, have you more? I at least have lived with the imperial family who has ruled this empire ever since you so spinelessly handed it over to us. I've observed it working more closely than any of you. Is your experience better than that? As for being half-witted: well, what can I say, except that I have survived to middle age with half my wits, while thousands have died with all of theirs intact. Evidently, quality of wits is more important than quantity. Senators, I shall do nothing unconstitutional. I shall appear at the next session of the senate, where you may confirm me in my position or not as you wish. But if it pleases you not to, explain your reasons to them [points to the Praetorians], not to me.

Why, Silanus? Why?

Tyrant!

Tyrant? I don't understand. What harm have I ever done you? I brought you back from Spain, I made you a minister, I connected you by marriage with my family.

Yes! To put me in bed with your wife and service her like a bull!

[outraged] What do you mean? What do you mean?!

You're all the same! Don't toy with me, Caesar, I'm not a slave. Do what you have to do.

I ask you again: what do you mean?

You know what I mean! How predictable you Emperors are! All your reigns begin and end the same. From vices timidly concealed to vices openly displayed. One follows the other as surely as decay follows death.

[to Praetorians] Fetch the Lady Messalina, and fetch her mother!

Oh, get it over with Caesar! We've seen this play before, don't make us sit through it till the end.

You will explain that calumny on my wife and on her mother. And if you do not or will not to my satisfaction, you will surely die for this attempt on my life!

Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Mnester, I'm an actor. Most people have heard of me.

My name is Scylla, and I'm a whore. Everybody's heard of me.

The difference between you and me, actor, is you're a snob and I'm not. And the difference between this great lady and myself is that my work is her hobby. My hobby happens to be gardening, for which I don't expect to be paid.

What am I to do?

What can a dead man do? Go and get buried.

By dulling the blade of tyranny, I reconciled Rome to the monarchy.

Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out.

But what is said about us in our lives is not always what history says. And doubtless history will have its say, as it always does. And about that, I have done something. Oh, not something that need concern you, but something.