[To Livia's empty chair] Poison is queen! Poison is queen!
Poison is Queen
Some Justice
[about Germanicus] Well, if he's profoundly loved he's also profoundly dead. There's nothing wrong with loving the dead. Everybody's loved when he's dead.
I wouldn't count on that if I were you.
[about Germanicus' friends' charge of murder] They have no proof.
No, but I dare say they could tell a pretty tale.
A pretty tale isn't proof.
That's a different song than the one you've been singing for the last five years. You've buried more people with your pretty tales than anyone I know.
Has it ever occurred to you, mother, that it's you they hate and not me?
There is nothing in this world that occurs to you that does not occur to me first. That is the affliction I live with.
[to Livia] I tell you what I'm going to do. It's your letter: you stick to it. And if it's read in the House, I'll deny all knowledge of it and excuse you on the grounds of mental incompetence brought on by extreme old age!
PPlancina
But how will I convince my husband to commit suicide?
Think of something. Appeal to his sense of honour; men find that irresistible.
That child is a monster!
I'm not, you horrid old German woman! I'll burn your German house down!
Queen of Heaven
[about Livia] We haven't even spoken for seven years. Did you know the last time she spoke to me was when Caligula burned the house down? Even then, all she said was, "If you haven't got a bucket, piss on it."
[to Claudius] Your family are all lunatics. You know that, don't you?
Well if you feel that way about them then why don't you go back and live with your own family in Judea?
Because I prefer the lunatics I know to the ones I don't!
[to Castor] How's my sister? I gave a reading of my book while you were away. I invited her but she never came.
Well, that's because Livilla's tastes were never literary.
You never came either!
Ah, but that's because mine always were.
[realizing the jest] Herod, you're talented, but dull.
[about her horoscope] It's a present from Tiberius. Isn't that nice of him? Of course, what he really wanted to know is how much longer I'm going to live.
Why do you allow Caligula such familiarity?
Because it pleases him. And because he will be the next emperor of Rome. You don't believe me?
If you say so, grandmother. You know I don't concern myself with higher politics. Still, what about Castor? And Caligula has two older brothers.
Castor is ill and Thrasyllus says he won't recover. He also says Tiberius will choose Caligula to succeed him.
Why?
Vanity. Tiberius wants to be loved, at least after his death if not before. And the best way to ensure that-
Is to have someone worse to follow him, naturally. He's certainly no fool.
He's the biggest fool in my family. I had always thought that that was you... but I think now I was wrong.
I want to be a goddess, Claudius...
I hear you're dying, great-grandmother.
You won't forget your promise, will you?
To make you a goddess? And what makes you think that a filthy, smelly old woman like you could become a goddess? I don't need you anymore, you see, great-grandmother. My secret will die with you. You're going to stew in hell forever and ever. Let me tell you something: Thrasyllus has made another prophecy. He told Tiberius. He said, "One who is going to die soon will become the greatest god the world has ever known. No temples will be dedicated to anyone but him in the whole Roman world, not even to Augustus." Do you know who that one is? Me. Me. I shall become the greatest god of all. And I shall look down on you suffering all the torments of hell and I shall say, "Leave her there. Leave her there forever and ever and ever." [kisses her on the lips] Goodbye, great-grandmother.
Reign of Terror
My dear - you look like a Greek tragedy.
AAgrippina
And you look like a Roman farce.
That tongue of yours has cost you dear and will cost you dearer.
AAgrippina
You pitiful worm-eaten old ruin, it's not my tongue that's cost me dear, but the love that people have for me and my family.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's I, Claudius pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.