Caligula, Senator and others in “Hail Who?”

Your emperor is amongst you once again. All his wars successfully concluded, and the victorious armies brought back to Rome. He had thought, in his divine innocence, that the roads might be lined with cheering crowds. He had thought the streets might be strewn with flowers. He had thought there might be messengers to greet him telling him of triumphs to be awarded. And what did he find, this conqueror of the Germans, this victor over the mighty Neptune? The streets empty of crowds and flowers, no triumphs awarded, no games, no celebrations... [furious] but three miserable old ex-consuls waiting at the gates to greet him, and a room full of cowardly stay-at-home senators who spent all their time in the theatre and at the baths, while he has spent six months living no better than a private soldier! Yes, your emperor has returned... [draws his sword and raises it threateningly] ... but with this in his hand!

[hesitant] But Jove, you ordered no triumphs.

Well, of course I ordered no triumphs! Do you think I'd order triumphs for myself?!

But you ordered us not to order any.

Yes, and you took me at my word, didn't you? Typical! It didn't occur to you that I might be leaving it up to you for your love to show itself freely? It didn't occur to you that it might be my natural humility speaking? "I ordered you not to celebrate." But you ordered celebrations for the anniversary of Actium, didn't you? Didn't forget to celebrate the defeat of my great-grandfather Mark Antony! How many bottles of wine did you open, toasting his murder while I was doing battle with the sea? [to Praetorians] Show them our booty! Show them the plunder we gathered from old Neptune!

Seashells?

Yes, spoils of the sea. Loot from old Neptune. [laughs] He won't take me on again in a hurry!

Jove, while you were away, we built a new temple to you on Palatine Hill.

That won't save you! Down on you knees, all of you! Bend your heads! I shall sever each one at the neck!

Merciful god! Would you spoil the great day of your return with the spilling of blood? When they come to write the history of this memorable day, should they have to mix it with the murder of these fools?

[cautiously] Claudius is right, my lord, my husband. Think of your little daughter. One day, when she is older, she will read the account of your return. Must these fools intrude on such a glorious page in history?

Your soft words have appeased my wrath. As we know, prayer has softened the hearts of gods. [to the senators] You may go. I shall inspect the temple in the morning.