[Dying words] Rome has a severe mother, and Gaius and Lucius a cruel stepmother.
Family Affairs
Let me go, you fat drunken cow!
Fat? Fat? If I'm fat, I'm fat where a woman should be fat, not skinny like a boy!
Waiting in the Wings
TThrasyllus
[about Lucius Agrippa] And your other stepson has been given command of the armies in Spain.
Lucius? He couldn't fight his way out of a harem!
(furious) Is there anyone in Rome who has not slept with my daughter?!
Julia [to Livia]: This is your doing, isn't it? Oh Livia, you really think that it'll convince my father to let Tiberius? [laughs] You are so transparent. I'm the only one who can see you for what you really are... Well, remember this, Livia, I have three sons and they all come before Tiberius. And when they came to age, you won't be wanted any more. So when my father dies, take my advice: climb on the funeral pyre with him!
[about Claudius] That child should have been exposed at birth.
It's a hard thing to see a child banished, especially when you know the banishment is unjust. Yes, you must let my son come home. Can't you see what has been clear to me for so long, that it was Julia's wickedness that drove him away?
I'll never bring him back. Never. He drove her to it. She would never have gone down that road if it wasn't for his wickedness. He can stay there and rot!
What Shall We Do About Claudius?
Quintillius Varus, where are my eagles?
[Herod and Augustus are watching a gladiatorial contest.]
Herod, what about a little bet? I'll take the fat one for twenty gold pieces.
Caesar, it would be against my religion to bet on the life of a man.
Oh, really? I would have thought it against your religion to bet on anything.
Caesar, it's true: Jews love gambling. But we fear our god more.
Which one?
We have only one, Caesar.
I've never understood that, it's quite insufficient. Why don't you take some of our gods? You know, plenty of people do.
Believe me, Caesar, the one we have is hard enough to live with.
[to the gladiators] I want a good show. I want my money's worth! I don't want any kiss-in-the-ring stuff, and I don't want my family watching two grown men pussyfooting around each other for half an hour before one of them aims a real blow. There's been too much of that in the past. And don't think you can fool me either, because I know every trick in the book, including the pig's blood in the bladder to make it look as if one of you is dead. There's been too much of that too lately. These games are being degraded by the increasing use of professional tricks to stay alive! And I won't have it! So put on a good show, and there'll be plenty of money for the living and a decent burial for the dead. And if not, I'll break this guild up and I'll send the lot of you to the mines in Numidia.
PPostumus
[to Augustus] Oh, grandfather, open your eyes, throw off the blinkers. For years everyone around you has either died or disappeared. Do you think it was all an accident? My father Agrippa, and before him Marcellus, my brothers Gaius and Lucius, my mother Julia - and now me.
Poison is Queen
[to Livia, concerning Claudius] That grandson of yours could wreck the empire just by strolling through it.
[about Augustus] Well don't bother on my account, for Gods know I've done my best. He's never liked me, never. Thirty years I've run his errands for him; I've fought on his bloody frontiers, collected his taxes. He never once put his hand on my arm and said "Thank you, what would I have done without you?" Now he sends me off to Illyricum and he doesn't even plan a farewell dinner; not even a goodbye, just "Get on your horse and ride." Well, damn him! I retired before once and I can do it again! Let his precious grandson run his empire for him. I'm sick to death of it.
[to Augustus pruning a plant] If you prune any more of that there'll be nothing left.
What are you now, an expert on gardening? Is that something else you've become lately?
I'm only telling you. The gardners all complained you spoiled them last year.
And whose garden is this?
You're not the only one who uses it!
How long have we been married?
Don't you remember?
Fifty years, and in all that time you've never been able to tell one plant from another. And now, suddenly, you know all there is to know about pruning. Wonderful!
I think your brain's going soft, you know that? Nobody can talk to you any more.
Anyone can talk to me at any time, except you. You don't talk to people. You bully them.
This conversation is becoming ridiculous.
Wrong, this conversation was ridiculous from the start.
[to Claudius, concerning the Senate] They won't allow me in because I am a woman, and they won't allow you in because you're a fool. That's strange when you come to think of it: because it's filled with nothing but old women and fools.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's I, Claudius pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.