My attorney has informed me that I've adopted an adult white male. When I'd laughed it off, he showed me some documentation--signed, by me.
S2 E5Dead Head
I only get paid in cash. I've never taken a check in my entire life. Look, men in my vocation can't afford being burnt by a paper trail. Do you know what this is? It's a license to steal. It's a map for thieves. Get your account number, they find your social. They find your social, they got you.
Who are they, exactly?
Well, uh.. me... and men of my ilk.
Well as I've explained to your colleagues, I'm running a legitimate business here. So take your check, deposit it in a secure banking facility, report it to the Federal government, and... wait for it... pay taxes on it.
Taxes?
Taxes.
They won't know what hit 'em.
They won't know what hit 'em.
S2 E9Imbroglio
You know La Traviata?
All right, I'm not gonna lie. If I have to sit through this baroque stuff, I prefer Rossini.
S2 E11Kill Bob
BBob
I'm telling you, there's no way my wife is trying to kill me. She loves me. We've never even had a fight.
That should've been your first clue.
Interior doors are probably alarmed, so...
Yeah, I'll get the climbing gear.
Seriously?
Yeah, man. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do what you gotta do
Look, uh, don't know how to tell you this, but you rappelling off the side of a 40-story building is... not a good idea.
Oh, so what's this now, another crack about my size?
Well... yeah.
So I guess you're the love expert now. What, are you waiting for me to give you an apology for doubting you?
Love is never having to say you're sorry.
Oh why don't you shut up?
Even after you shoot somebody in the chest.
AAngie
Yeah, our relationship may have started out a lie, but, um, it became very real.
Yeah. Normally, it's the other way around.
I think what Winston meant was, it's not the lack of love, but the, uh, lack of friendship that makes for an unhappy marriage.
Did you make that up?
Nietzsche.
S2 E12The Trouble with Harry
The floor is completely covered with invisible laser sheeting. so anything touches that, and...
Ames': What happens?
Nothing. What do you think happens? Alarms, guards, reign of terror--keep up.
I was just asking a question.
Guerrero': Look at me. Look at me! What's your name?
CClaypool
Henry Claypool.
What day is today?
CClaypool
Tuesday.
Are you a paranoid, bullying douche bag?
CClaypool
Oh, yeah.
Good. What's the password to your private files in your office?
Well, I'm sorry that I put everyone in this position. I'm sorry I didn't...
Do you smell that?
What?
It smells like crap.
Nice. Very nice. You know, I'm trying to make a heartfelt apology here.
No, I mean, it smells like actual crap.
So let me ask you... do you know anyone, anyone at all, less threatening... than this man?
HHarry
I'm right here.
Less threatening and yet secretly, inexplicably, guaran-damn-teed to fall ass-backwards into the lap of success.
Well played.
Thank you.
S2 E13Marshall Pucci
You do realize that just because we're men doesn't mean we can't talk about our feelings?
Yes, it does.
Oh, that's good then. Just keep it all balled up like a knot, just… well, it's too late now anyway. She's already gone... caveman.
Oprah
Do you want to speak to the last person who pushed my buttons?
No.
Good. Because you can't.
Where are we going?
Back to the office to settle this.
The CIA is there! Hello, they're gonna kill us!
Better than a life with you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Human Target pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.