John Munch quotes from Homicide: Life on the Street

Pembleton

Don't say a single word, Munch.

Munch

What's to say?

The guy give it up? You're coming from a box session, right? That ugly mope? He won't go?

Munch

Suspect demanded to see an attorney.

Oh, he does, does he? Did you give him a taste of the phonebook?

Munch

Uh, we haven't hit anybody with a phonebook around here since '96.

Falsone

What are you drinking? I've got you covered all night.

That's very nice of you, bitch. Jamesons straight up. You know, when I was working murders, we used to drink across the street.

Munch

The Waterfront?

In my day, we wouldn't be caught dead in the Waterfront. I'll take you to a place where true police held court.

Munch

Ouch.

Munch

What the hell happened? I go across the street for a cocktail; I come back to the squadroom it's the Alamo.

Lewis

Junior Bunk snatched a weapon out of Tambelli's desk. Gharty, Ballard, three uniforms got hit.

Munch

You don't want to partner with me. I'm bad luck. I'm a curse: Bolander, Russert, Kellerman. I'm like a black hole. You partner with me before you hand your badge in.

Bayliss

Look, look, look, it's not a permanent thing; I'm not asking for a long term commitment.

Munch

I understand. You stayed with Pembleton for six years, he broke your heart, and now you're just looking for a one-nighter, huh?

Bayliss

Yeah, something like that.

Bayliss

I died, y'know, after I got shot. It's...

Munch

You mean you had a near death experience?

Bayliss

Oh, no, not near death. I, uh, actually died.

Munch

You mean you were going towards a bright light and all your ancestors were waving "howdy"?

Bayliss

No... It was more like I, uh... more like I could feel all the... I don't know, the different... parts of me, the... elements that make up my physical presence - water, air, earth - I could feel them... breaking apart, dissipating... Yeah, becoming one with, um... The greatest force of energy in the universe.

Munch

Tim, this Zen detective thing is starting to really rub my rectum the wrong way.

Bayliss

Oh. I don't expect you to understand unless you understand, John.

Munch

See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Bayliss

What?

Munch

It's like being partner with a fortune cookie.

Bayliss

That's a book that I got for Rene.

Munch

Zen for Beginners?

Bayliss

Yeah, she was asking me some questions about Buddhism.

Munch

And you're concerned with her spiritual well-being.

Bayliss

Absolutely. Well, y'know, probably I'm also thinking she might go out with me.

Munch

Let me get this straight: you're interested in Rene romantically?

Bayliss

Yeah. Yeah, why not? She's single, she's beautiful, and she's very open-minded.

Munch

I knew about you all along, Timmy.

Bayliss

What's that, John?

Munch

Beneath all that dogma- you're still a dog.

Lewis

How the hell could Susan Dehen not know she was sleeping with her boyfriend's brother.

Munch

Well, you said they looked exactly alike, right?

Sheppard

Yeah, but in bed, there's a lot more going on than the visuals.

Lewis

Sound...

Sheppard

Taste...

Lewis

Smell...

Sheppard

Touch...

Munch

Cable.

Munch

It's like this dream I had when I was a kid: first day of school, wandering around the halls, looking for the right classroom. People are staring at me, and this girl I had a crush on - Helen Rosenbaum - she's laughing and pointing at me, and I realized I didn't get dressed. I'm buck naked. All I have on is my shoes and socks.

Lewis

Black socks?

Munch

Argyle.

Lewis

I had that dream.

Munch

Everybody has that dream. It's the human condition in a nutshell.

Munch

You haven't experienced the Giardello summons yet, the full force laser beam Gee-Ray; strips varnish off furniture, enamel off teeth?

Sheppard

Not yet.

Munch

You're in for a treat.

Munch

Bayliss, don't give me any zen song and dance about how money is an illusion, taxes are an illusion, the IRS is an illusion.

Bayliss

On the contrary, John, money is Mara, the Destroyer, the Evil One.

Munch

Mike, do you know anybody in the IRS?

Michael Giardello

IRS?

Lewis

Don't go there.

Munch

I'm lookin' for information on an IRS agent. Address, phone number, marital status.

Michael Giardello

You want me to dig up some dirt on an IRS agent?

Munch

Isn't there some super-secret federal database that you could access?

Michael Giardello

What are you, nuts? You don't mess with the IRS.

Munch

But you're FBI, you could say I'm toe to toe with these guys.

Michael Giardello

I could. The question is, why would I?

Lewis

Leave it alone, Munchkin.

Munch

It's not like I'm gonna stalk the guy, Mike, I just need an edge.

Munch

The Zapruder film's out on VHS and DVD, as if there's a choice.

Billie Lou Hatfield

DVD, definitely. Gotta have that freeze frame, stop action, enhancement capability.

Munch

One night after work, we should open a bottle of zinfandel and watch the Zapruder film frame by frame and see which ones are missing.

Billie Lou Hatfield

Twenty-six seconds of the most compelling footage ever filmed.

Munch

The woman of my dreams.

Falsone

So you're saying all black people are hip?

Lewis

Name one who ain't.

Falsone

George Washington Carver.

Michael Giardello

Please. How many things can a white man do with a peanut?

Munch

Shelled or unshelled?

Falsone

I got one. Meldrick Lewis.

Munch

Well, he is black.

Bayliss

Yep.

Michael Giardello

But not particularly hip.

Bayliss

Nope.

Lewis

What you talkin' about Willis?

Sheppard

Point taken. I guess Sammy Davis goes back on the list.

Lewis

No no no, hold on, let's just stop the game right here. I can be accused of a lot of things, but falling off the cutting edge is not one of 'em. Terri- am I down or am I down?

Stivers

What?

Lewis

Am I hip? Tell these fools.

Stivers

Uh, you have your moments.

Lewis

Moments?

Stivers

I don't know, maybe, you try too hard.

Lewis

I'm not playin' no more.

Lewis

[referring to Michael] Little Gee.

Munch

Chip off the old boulder.

I have a discretionary slush fund.

Munch

I would kill to have a slush fund.

How do you think I got mine?