Beau Felton quotes from Homicide: Life on the Street

Felton

Marvin, you have the right to remain silent, although personally I don't feel remaining silent is all that it's cracked up to be.

Felton

Romper, stomper, bomper, blue. I see Jimmy and Julie. Except she never saw me. I spent years in front of that friggin' tube and she never once saw Beau in the magic mirror. That BITCH!

Felton

Amazing. Life is amazing.

Pembleton

Really?

Felton

This must be a mistake. Am I actually going on a routine call with Frank Pembleton?

Pembleton

You're right. It's a mistake.

Felton

Frank Pembleton only works the big investigations. This is just some dead guy.

Pembleton

See what happens when I come into the office?

Felton

Imagine - handling a routine call with Detective Frank Pembleton.

Pembleton

I'm slumming.

Howard

Your conscience is going to gnaw at you. Gnaw at you like a. Like a ...

Felton

Chipmunk.

Howard

Yeah, like a chipmunk.

Howard

Let me tell you what happened last night.

Felton

Is this about sex?

Howard

No.

Felton

Forget it.

Howard

I'm lying in bed...

Felton

Ooh, what were you wearing?

Howard

Stop it.

Pembleton

Felton, Felton, Felton!

Felton

What?

Pembleton

Help me out here, will ya?

Felton

Frank's a serious guy.

And not very well-tempered either.

Danvers

The jury's coming back.

Felton

That was fast.

Howard

Is that good or bad? I can't remember.

Felton

Of course it's good! We can go eat dinner soon.

Howard

Smoking causes mouth, lung cancer, emphysema....

Felton

Oh my god, you quit smoking. You committed this madness without consulting me first? Are you nuts? You're selfish. You ex-smokers are more relentless than AA or the Moonies or those born-again vegetarians. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna let you bully me about this. I don't wanna hear about how your lungs are pinker than a newborn baby's or how you're free of mucus and phlegm. It's all a bunch of nonsense. It's all a bunch of crap. I don't want you counting the number of days you've gone without a cigarette when you're supposed to be watching my back. You put my life on the line. I'll put in for hazard pay. No, you know what? I'll put in for another partner.

Felton

It's impossible to partner with someone when they're trying to quit smoking.

Pembleton

It's the guilt trip they run, right?

Felton

I feel like I gotta post bail everytime I take a cigarette out. Every time I take one out, I can feel Howard's eyes burning a hole through the back of my head, like I just abandoned her.

Pembleton

I quit smoking once. Gonna quit again. Someday for good.

Felton

Me too.

Pembleton

I quit for 3 months once.

Felton

8 months.

Pembleton

8 months? That's impressive. 8 months?

Felton

Well, not straight, no. Over the years, I quit smoking 10 times for a total of 8 months.

Pembleton

We should stop smoking.

Felton

Our partners, they know what they're doing.

Pembleton

They do; don't they? Self-righteous bastards.

Felton

We've been on the night shift, what, a week? Every night someone lights this candle by the board.

Giardello

You're a detective. Solve it.

Felton

A homicide detective. If the candle killed someone, I'd close the case.

Bolander

Why is it when a guy leaves 5 drops of coffee painting the bottom of the pot, he thinks he's immune from brewing a fresh pot of coffee?

Felton

Sorry.

Bolander

I mean, everybody is lookin' to duck something.

Felton

I said I was sorry.

Bolander

Why when you go in the john, there's always one piece of toilet paper stuck to the roll? Cause some guy thinks that if he technically didn't finish it, he's not responsible for replacing it?

Munch

Society is based on technicalities. It's the hallmark of late capitalism, Stanley. Figure it out.

Bolander

Same thing with milk.

Felton

Stan, I'm brewing more coffee.

Bolander

How come every time I open that refrigerator, there's one drop of milk left in the carton? So who has to go to the 7-11 and replace the carton of milk?

Munch

Me.

Bolander

That's beside the point. He's doing that on my behalf. He could be doing something else for me.

Howard

Your wife called, lookin' for you. Where were you?

Felton

Beth called you tonight?

Howard

Yeah, she said you told her we were working late on a case.

Beau

What did you tell her?

Howard

I told her you were in my bathroom washing up after some great sex.

Felton

Oh, so that's what cous-cous is.

Lewis

Where is it written a man can't try something new every now and again?

Bolander

Who's the dolly? Who's the dolly?

Lewis

What?

Bolander

I've never seen a man eat cous-cous unless a woman was involved. Who is she?

Felton

Lewis is in love with Emma Zoole. Let me clue you in on something, pal. Cous-cous is not gonna make a difference. I've gone the health food route. Stir-fry this, low-fat that; what this is really about is control. If you allow her to control what it is you eat, it's curtains. How much more primary, how much more basic can you get than what a man puts into his stomach? Munch and crunch all the veggies you want, but in the end, new girl or not, you're out. Because you did not take a stand and that's what this is about. Not health, not love, not living fat-free. This is about women trying to dominate men.

Lewis

It's just cous-cous, man.

Felton

Stan, where's your grass skirt? I heard you looked fabulous.

Bolander

You want me to snap on you, Felton? I'll snap on you right now.

Felton

Easy, Big Man. Can't you take a compliment?

Lewis

[advising Felton] Just keep goin' on.

Felton

Meldrick, that's like the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my whole life.

Lewis

Now you're just spittin' on my advice. You ask me down here and I open up my heart to you and you gonna spit on my advice, just like that?

Felton

Basically, yeah.

Lewis

Gimme back the giraffe.

Felton

No.

Lewis

You don't want my advice, then gimme back the damn giraffe!