Tim Bayliss quotes from Homicide: Life on the Street

Giardello

My heroes.

Bayliss

Well, that's what we are, Gee.

Giardello

My drug warriors. [mock surprise] Oh my. Why, it's still red. In all this excitement, I didn't see this red name on the board here. Gaynor. Now how could I have forgotten this red name on the board?

Bayliss

What would it take for you to kill yourself?

Ballard

A date with John Munch.

Bayliss

If this case is such a legend, how come I don't know anything about it? I mean, I've been in this unit for 6 years now and I've never heard anyone say anything about Clara Sloane.

Pembleton

Look, when you caught the Adena Watson case your first week in Homicide, and the case didn't go down, nobody had the heart to tell you about her, ok?

Pembleton

You wish you'd stayed with the Sloane case?

Bayliss

Yeah.

Pembleton

Maybe it's good that you passed on it. You know, you started in, another dead little girl, nightmares....

Bayliss

That wound is healed Frank.

Pembleton

Why pull off the scab?

Pembleton

You think if somebody wanted to write a book about us?

Bayliss

What, about you and me?

Pembleton

The unit. Homicide detectives.

Bayliss

Right. Fat chance.

Bayliss

I'm glad we got out of the office. Smell was getting to me.

Pembleton

I hadn't noticed.

Bayliss

You didn't notice the smell? You didn't notice the blood and the powder residue? We're workin' right in the middle of a crime scene.

Pembleton

I noticed, okay?

Bayliss

I knew Keckham pretty well, from the mayor's detail. Decent guy.

Pembleton

I worked with Charlie Moore in the Western. Same sector. He's a good man.

Bayliss

You know something, I didn't see it. Didn't see it coming, didn't see him. And he's comin' in there and he's playin' all hard, but we get a lot of guys that come in there doin' that same thing, you know?

Pembleton

You think we were supposed to know he was the one? That this punk, out of all the other punks who come through the squadroom, this one's goin' over the top? Please.

Bayliss

Well, I'm runnin' around in my gun locker and I'm tryin' to get my backup gun cause my gun is in my desk. It's in the bottom left drawer. He's blowin' up the place, and my gun is sittin' down there; it's sittin' with the pencils, with the paper clips.

Pembleton

Nobody was ready.

Bayliss

Well, I'm ready now.

Pembleton

Ready for what?

Bayliss

Anything, Frank. Anyone.

Bayliss

Life's an illusion. Reality is an illusion. You take this squadroom for instance, you know, after the big shootout. Last May, the bosses wanted to renovate. They reconfigured the whole place so that those of us who watched three uniforms die could put aside the horror of that moment and go about our jobs. That was actually quite enlightened of the bosses, really, but, it was quite futile, because this squadroom is the same squadroom, and our memories of that moment are as vivid as they ever were. All of this is just... it's an illusion.

Lewis

Bayliss, this is your first day back on the job.

Bayliss

Right.

Lewis

Do me a favor? Shut up.

Munch

You don't want to partner with me. I'm bad luck. I'm a curse: Bolander, Russert, Kellerman. I'm like a black hole. You partner with me before you hand your badge in.

Bayliss

Look, look, look, it's not a permanent thing; I'm not asking for a long term commitment.

Munch

I understand. You stayed with Pembleton for six years, he broke your heart, and now you're just looking for a one-nighter, huh?

Bayliss

Yeah, something like that.

Bayliss

I died, y'know, after I got shot. It's...

Munch

You mean you had a near death experience?

Bayliss

Oh, no, not near death. I, uh, actually died.

Munch

You mean you were going towards a bright light and all your ancestors were waving "howdy"?

Bayliss

No... It was more like I, uh... more like I could feel all the... I don't know, the different... parts of me, the... elements that make up my physical presence - water, air, earth - I could feel them... breaking apart, dissipating... Yeah, becoming one with, um... The greatest force of energy in the universe.

Munch

Tim, this Zen detective thing is starting to really rub my rectum the wrong way.

Bayliss

Oh. I don't expect you to understand unless you understand, John.

Munch

See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Bayliss

What?

Munch

It's like being partner with a fortune cookie.

Bayliss

That's a book that I got for Rene.

Munch

Zen for Beginners?

Bayliss

Yeah, she was asking me some questions about Buddhism.

Munch

And you're concerned with her spiritual well-being.

Bayliss

Absolutely. Well, y'know, probably I'm also thinking she might go out with me.

Munch

Let me get this straight: you're interested in Rene romantically?

Bayliss

Yeah. Yeah, why not? She's single, she's beautiful, and she's very open-minded.

Munch

I knew about you all along, Timmy.

Bayliss

What's that, John?

Munch

Beneath all that dogma- you're still a dog.

Munch

Bayliss, don't give me any zen song and dance about how money is an illusion, taxes are an illusion, the IRS is an illusion.

Bayliss

On the contrary, John, money is Mara, the Destroyer, the Evil One.

Bayliss

What's that on your tie there? Is it...pesto sauce?

You wish.

Falsone

So you're saying all black people are hip?

Lewis

Name one who ain't.

Falsone

George Washington Carver.

Michael Giardello

Please. How many things can a white man do with a peanut?

Munch

Shelled or unshelled?

Falsone

I got one. Meldrick Lewis.

Munch

Well, he is black.

Bayliss

Yep.

Michael Giardello

But not particularly hip.

Bayliss

Nope.

Lewis

What you talkin' about Willis?

Sheppard

Point taken. I guess Sammy Davis goes back on the list.

Lewis

No no no, hold on, let's just stop the game right here. I can be accused of a lot of things, but falling off the cutting edge is not one of 'em. Terri- am I down or am I down?

Stivers

What?

Lewis

Am I hip? Tell these fools.

Stivers

Uh, you have your moments.

Lewis

Moments?

Stivers

I don't know, maybe, you try too hard.

Lewis

I'm not playin' no more.

Boss wants to see you. Stat.

Bayliss

Stat? Been watching those wretched medical dramas again?

Giardello

I'm short detectives!

Bayliss

Translation, "Where are we on Cullen?"

Giardello

Very good Bayliss, you speak Shift Lieutenant.

Bayliss

Well, I've had practice.