John Munch quotes from Homicide: Life on the Street

Munch

Detective Bolander, continue the interrogation. Me, I gotta get outta here, because I cannot afford to lose any more of my sperm count.

Munch

[to Bolander] All I was gonna say is, what are you gonna call Dr Blythe for? Say you go out. You're a saint. You're everything you can be in a perfect world. So you sleep together. After the third time you do it, it's actually good instead of just saying it is. But how could it not be good? It's sex. So you get intimate. You get real close. You talk about your childhood, your parents, your broken dreams. You talk about relationships that didn't work out. You get so intimate you tell her your problems. You get loose, rude, a little insensitive. You're not a saint anymore. And one day, she goes, "I don't know who you are. You're not the guy I got involved with." You apologize. You realize you've actually spent the last six months apologizing for who you were the first two weeks. Then, in the middle of some night, she leaves you. In the dark. Nice, huh? Is that what you want?

Munch

Maybe I'll just get a van and drive all around this country and wherever that van breaks down, I'll just throw open the back door and perform puppet shows!

Munch

My shoes are wrecked. I've got their blood all over my shoes.

Munch

[after seeing a picture of himself in an art gallery] I'm naked! My dingle is blowing in the wind!

Munch

If a murder is committed in Baltimore and no homicide detective takes the call, did that homicide actually occur?

Munch

From the tracks on his arms, the large caliber wound, the proximity to a heroin market -- I'd say it was a heated dispute about the symbolism of red and blue in eighteenth century French romantic poetry.

Munch

The only thing I have in common with Judaism is we both don't like to work on Saturdays.

Munch

We have an expression in Homicide: Our day begins when yours ends.

Munch

[to Gharty & Falsone] Girls, girls, you're both pretty.

Munch

The important point is that we win certain cases because our brains are repositories for intelligence and their brains are day-old banana pudding.

Munch

Stupid killers are a gift from God.

Munch

Life should come with a money-back guarantee- if not completely satisfied, return unused portion for a full refund.

Munch

[to Jay Faris] What are you gonna do, hit me? C'mon, hit me!... Or do you only hit women? Stay away from the girl, Faris.

Munch

You're saving your really good lies for some smarter cop, is that it? I'm just a donut in the on-deck circle. Wait until the real guy gets here. Wait until that big guy comes back. I'm probably just his secretary. I'm just Montel Williams. You want to talk to Larry King.

I'm telling you the truth.

Munch

I've been murder police for ten years. If you're going to lie to me, you lie to me with respect. What is it? Is it my shoes? Is it my haircut? Got a problem with my haircut? Don't you ever lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams! I am not Montel Williams!

Who is Montel Williams?

Munch

I'm not Montel Williams. Do you hear me? I am not Montel Williams!