Hancock quotes from Hancock's Half Hour

How did you know we were policemen?

Hancock

I, er... I looked it up on the passenger list. I should never have known otherwise, you could be anybody: Cabinet Ministers or Italian footballers or Sadler's Wells ballet...

Sid James

The plane is still on the ground.

Hancock

So it is, so it is! Good grief, I'd better tell the pilot before he pulls the wheels up!

Tell me Hancock, where did you study law?

Hancock

LCC evening classes, Sir. Second class diploma and nine out of ten for woodwork.

Hancock

Well, it was a mistake anybody could make.

A mistake? An important murder case and you turn up at the wrong court! You spend three hours making an impassioned plea for a life sentence on a man accused of passing betting slips in Hyde Park!

Hancock

How dare you! I shall sue you for libel!

Don't you mean 'slander'?

Hancock

Do I? Hang on a minute, no I don't, you can't catch me - 'slander' is setting fire to people.

Hancock

You remember that nine hundred thousand pounds I won?

Sid James

Oh yeah.

Hancock

Well I want two bob of it - I'm hungry!

Sid James

Hancock, we've been all over this before, boy - it's all tied up.

Hancock

I know it is! In little bags in your bedroom!

Hancock

When you were a boy weren't you ever taught table manners?

No.

Hancock

Why not?

We didn't have a table.

Hancock

Well well, look who it is. The Thing from Outer Kitchen. I gather from the clouds of blue smoke the sausages are ready?

I'm employed as a secretary, not to provide breakfast for you two as soon as I get here. If you don't like my cooking, do it yourself. Here you are. [clatter]

Hancock

What are these then?

Sausages!

Hancock

What, these little shrivelled up things with two black knobs on each end?

They burst out of their skin.

Hancock

And pleased to get out, by the looks of things!

Hancock

I can't eat these, even if I wanted to I couldn't. You'd need a pair of nutcrackers to break these open.

I'll have yours, Tubb, if you don't want them.

Hancock

Here we are, the old waste bucket 'ere. I'm sure if you trod on his foot the top of his head would fly open.

Ooh look! It's started raining!

Hancock

That's all we wanted. You watch, it'll go dark in a minute, we'll have to switch the lights on. I think I'll go to bed.

[reproachfully] You've only been up an hour...

Hancock

That is by the way and nothing to do with it. I might just as well be in bed, there's nothing else to do. I wish I hadn't got up now. Your dinner wasn't worth getting up for, I'll tell you that for a start!

Well I don't know, I ate all mine.

Hancock

That is neither here nor there. You also ate Bill's, and Sid's, and mine! I thought my mother was a bad cook but at least her gravy used to move about. Yours just sort of lies there and sets.

That's the goodness in it!

Hancock

That's the half a pound of flour you put in it!

Not a very nice afternoon, is it?

Hancock

No.

It's raining you know.

Hancock

[sarcastically] Oh so that's what's making the roads wet.

Hancock

One can rush one's savouring of the classics of world literature - Rome was not built in a day and its decline and fall cannot be read in one.

But you haven't got Gibbon's Decline and Fall there.

Hancock

That's got nothing to do with it - I've got The Love Lives of the Caesars here and that tells me everything!

Hancock

Do you mind? I'm trying to read, don't interrupt! I'm on the edge of me seat here.

Sid James

Good, is it?

Hancock

Good? This is red hot, this is, mate. I'd hate to think of a book like this getting in the wrong hands. As soon as I've finished this I shall recommend they ban it.

Where are you going?

Hancock

To have my tea and biscuits.

I thought you came here to give some of your blood!

Hancock

You've just had it.

But this is just a smear!

Hancock

It may be just a smear to you, mate, but it's life and death to some poor wretch!

Hancock

How much do you want then?

Well, a pint, of course?

Hancock

A pint? Have you gone raving mad? [...] I mean, I came here in all good faith, to help my country. I don't mind giving a reasonable amount, but a pint? Why, that's very nearly an armful!