How was the, erm, interview?
Not sure. I might have used the words "job", "stick", "up", and "arse" all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?
Well, I think tone of voice is very important.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You and me are not an item. Never have been, never will be. What have you got to say to that then, eh?
I.
What?
"You and I" are not an item, not "you and me."
Listen to I. I'm not in a relationship with you no more.
[Having been dumped by Joanna, Alan has commandeered a milk float, and is driving it down a street, while throwing empty milk bottles at nearby pedestrians]
Sod off, you... you Jezebel whores! Go on, you slutty tarts! Go on, with your slitty, slutty, slitty, slutty slots! Go on, sod off, you're... you're all the bloody same!
Your reward will be in Devon.
Devon?
Oh, no, sorry. It's heaven isn't it? Yeah, that's right. I used to get them confused as a kid. You know, when people die, they got to Devon.
[Laughs] That's funny.
Well, not really, no. Ruined my summer holidays—I thought my whole family was dead.
That part of the day we’ve all been looking forward to. Nurse Richardson, perhaps you'd like to choose: movie genre, or regional accent?
TNTheatre Nurse
Regional accent, please.
Excellent choice. Dr. Todd, perhaps you'd like to pick today's regional accent.
GGuy
Surrey. Buckinghamshire. Er, Swiss.
Northeast, Newcastle.
Tricky, but always very funny. Good choice. [Geordie] All reet, then, shall we get on and start the operation?
[Boyce has stuck a Star of David on Alan's pointer.]
I don't think you understand. That's soldered on. It's never gonna come off.
Yes, quite. Remarkable—all achieved in apparently under five minutes. [Alan hits Boyce under the chin with the point, knocking off the star and hurting him badly.] Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal...
TTeacher
Now... Robbie. Is there any history of mental illness in the family?
No.
TTeacher
Are you sure?
Yeah, I think so.
TTeacher
You know about the penguin with the chainsaw?
Yes. Oh, but every child has an imaginary friend.
TTeacher
Are there any major problems at home?
Erm... He does like to eat bread straight from the freezer. "Bread lollies," he calls them. But we thought that was kind of sweet.
[Martin confronts Joanna in the car park.]
You let me down. You weren’t there for me, Mum.
Shut up! Not here!
I needed you to make my packed lunches, I needed you to pick me up from swimming and I needed you to make me that Incredible Hulk costume for Halloween.
Shut up! Shut up!
I've got an angry penis!
Can I ask your advice about something?
Your shirt tucked into your pants doesn't really work for you, Martin.
[Martin pulls his shirt over his underpants.]
No, look, it's not about clothes, it's about something more serious.
More serious than clothes? I don't understand.
[Mac commentates on Guy's attempt to chat-up Joanna, in the style of David Attenborough]
The hunter spots his prey. But there is a problem. The herd of tottie is sticking together, making it hard to target any one individual. [Joanna walks to the bar.] He's in luck. The herd has split, leaving one creature alone—
Double vodka.
—and vulnerable. She's old, and weaker than the rest. This, surely, is his best chance.
GGuy
Fuck off!
The hunter will tolerate no interruption to his meticulous preparations. He waits, like a coiled spring, and then... he strikes.
Oh my fucksy, there's a field in the road!
[Guy has brought a kitten in Mac’s room. He then takes out a gun and points it at the kitten.]
GGuy
Wake up, or the kitty gets it. [Pause, followed by the kitten meowing quietly, then he talks to the kitten.] You said it would work.
Guy, did you take a cat and a gun into Mac’s ward?
GGuy
It was a replica.
[Gasps] You brought in a replica cat?
GGuy
[slowly] A replica gun.
You're trying to get fully reinstated, how stupid can you be?
GGuy
Not stupid enough to ask whether or not someone has brought in a replica cat.
Martin is puzzled about Guy's choice of lunch
You don't like curry.
GGuy
No. Ah, not usually, no. But it's Ramadan! [waves the curry under the noses of two nurses] A time for fasting. Yum yum yum! Smells so good!
NNurse
We're Hindu, you nipple!
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