Dean Learner quotes from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Dean Learner

I warned Garth, erm, I said, "I'm not an actor". And erm, he said, I'll always remember this, that he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth. So erm, here is, er, Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed. Not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.

(Learner stares blankly into the camera whilst playing Reed) Listen up ladies, we've got a situation. A little lass has just cracked her nut, and if she croaks,(pauses while he bangs his fist on the desk) my arse is grass.

(voice over) That was Thornton Reed, my boss (cuts to Reed nodding). Head of the department - a ball-buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.

She's here on the express say-so of Won Ton, a star pupil you might say, and one that Darkplace has high hopes for.

So far we've given her some Lucozade and that seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions - blood, guts, a real horror show.

Garth Marenghi

I do not believe that any form of life, be it human, animal, or plant, should be hurt in the making of a television programme. So I personally feel really bad about that cat we killed.

Dean Learner

I had a cat once. I dropped a sofa on it, it was a write-off, so I stood on its head.

Dean Learner

Art isn't a commodity that you haul in and out [pauses]-

Garth Marenghi

No.

Dean Learner

-like dildos.